Pregnancy after infertility

Infertility is a hard process to go through. It makes you feel like a failure, an outcast, like you don't belong. You don't have a child so you don't fit in with those who already have children and yet its not that you don't want a child, so you also don't fit in with those who choose to be childless. Once you get to a certain point in life its like everyone is divided into categories, either you're those with children or those without. There seems to be no place for those who want children, but for whatever reason can't have them.

I'm very lucky that I have battled with infertility at this point in time. At a time where there are medical procedures available to overcome it, or at least give hope that it could be overcome. I'm also thankful for the internet. My saviour from the stress and sadness of infertility was the fact that I made so many connections with others online who were going through the same thing. Infertility is still very hush hush in society, despite it being more and more prevalent. I couldn't talk to those in my family about it as they didn't understand, I couldn't talk to friends as they didn't understand and its not really a socially acceptable thing to discuss. Plus, most people don't want to air their 'dirty laundry' in a public forum. I found I could talk to strangers online more than people in my real life as they understood what I was going through. They knew the types of treatments, they understood the emotional roller coaster. They could offer constructive advice and support when things didn't work out. I had finally found a community, a place where I belonged. A place where I could tell the truth and not hide. 

Now that I'm pregnant it doesn't mean that my infertility is cured or that I am no longer infertile. I still have the same problems that I had before I got pregnant and they'll stay with me forever. There is no guarantee that we can have more children. I'd like to think that because the medication worked this time it will work again, but that's not always the case and I'm very aware of this. I still relate to the infertile community and sympathise with their struggles. Infertility will always be a part of my life.

I have found however that once I got pregnant I was somewhat cast out of this community. Essentially I felt shunned, like I was no longer one of them because I happened to be very lucky and get pregnant. It was like I was a traitor to those who were still trying to conceive. I had something they didn't have and because of that they no longer wanted to talk to me. I was no longer a part of the group. I have even been attacked (along with other pregnant people in these groups) by members saying that those of us who are pregnant are not grateful enough and have no idea how much of a gift we have been given compared to the other girls who are still trying. I'm sorry, but just because I happened to get pregnant doesn't mean the last four years of stress, disappointment, sadness and depression didn't happen. According to these girls though it has been wiped out and now that I have got what I wanted I can no longer relate to them. In fact some of them act like I'm the enemy. I cant believe how quick they are to turn on you. I understand that they feel left out because they're still waiting for a miracle, but its like they want me to feel guilty for succeeding.

In a way infertility not only affected my life for the past few years, but it's tarnished my pregnancy as well. In the beginning I was so scared of something going wrong. I spent the first few months on edge and not enjoying the fact that I was pregnant. Instead I spent each day wondering if that would be the day it would be taken away from me. I didn't announce my pregnancy until later because I was aware of other friends who were still trying to conceive and I didn't want to upset them with my news. I didn't post belly photos as often as I wanted so I wouldn't offend others. I've spent the majority of the time curbing my behaviour that I've forgotten to sit back and enjoy my pregnancy. I felt guilty for getting pregnant and now I feel guilty for not enjoying it enough. I once again feel like I don't belong.

I have finally realised you can't please everybody. Its ok for me to sit back and think about me for a while. It's time for me to be selfish. Its time for me to enjoy my pregnancy and my baby. I'm sorry if I offend some people by doing this, but this is my time. I don't want to look back and only have regrets, especially if this ends up being the only time I get to experience it. I'm still here to support my fellow ttc friends, but I'm not going to let it dictate the way I act. Hopefully people don't think less of me for being this way.

Toni x

Pregnancy Survival Guide: 10 Ways to make pregnancy easier

Now obviously there are a million books you can buy that will supposedly tell you every little thing about pregnancy. I know, I have a few of them. I also know that as much as you intend on reading them, you will more than likely never get around to it or at least never finish them once you start. I have books beside my bed and the last part I remember reading was week 19 and I'm now 33 weeks. It seems kind of pointless to go back now and read about all the weeks in between when I've already experienced them. And to be honest, I'm kind of scared to read ahead about what's coming. I've managed to avoid having a labour freak out so far and don't want to give myself a huge number of reasons to have one now. I've kind of taken a go with the flow attitude for this pregnancy (which is not what I thought I would do).

I tried the pregnancy books, numerous magazines (I have heaps and after a while they all seem to say the same things), online forums, google, midwife advice, advice from strangers and advice from friends. Given all of this input I decided to ignore at least 50% of it and Ive kind of winged the rest of it. I know I'm no expert at being pregnant (so maybe take this with a grain of salt), but I have come up with my own top 10 pregnancy survival tips based on my experience.

10 EASY WAYS TO PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY SURVIVE PREGNANCY 

1. DON'T GOOGLE PREGNANCY COMPLICATIONS

Seriously do not do it! At the start of my pregnancy all I wanted to do was google everything related to pregnancy and trust me it's a very big mistake. The majority of information you'll find on google is bad, e.g. complications, reasons for miscarriage, problems the baby can have etc. All it did was make me think about everything that could go wrong. I got a huge complex that everything that could go wrong would happen to me. I didn't enjoy the first few weeks of my pregnancy because I was so stressed out. If you have any concerns talk to your doctor first and foremost, not Dr Google.

2. GRAZE LIKE A COW TO BEAT MORNING SICKNESS AND REFLUX

Ok so this sounds a bit degrading and at the time I received this advice from my doctor I was a bit offended that he was referring to me as a cow, but it's definitely good advice. He meant eat smaller meals more often. It was the only thing that got me through my morning sickness {which was actually all day sickness}. I survived that by hiding a box of biscuits in my work cabinet and sneaking two or three every half hour when there were no customers around. I got busted a few times, but I didn't care. Now that I'm at the end of the pregnancy this advice is becoming relevant again. Reflux has become a major issue for me. Everything gives me heartburn and reflux and the only way to minimise it is to eat smaller meals {and if that fails continuously chew on antacids like lollies}.

3. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

No matter how much information you're told by others, the person who has the best connection with your baby is you. Always trust your own instincts, even if you have never been pregnant before. You'll instinctively know when something is wrong. If you're worried about something seek help. You'll also know when things are right. It's amazing how much your instincts kick in and your body knows what to do and think, even though you've never been through it all before. When my baby sat on my sciatic nerve I knew all I had to do was lay down and get her to move, even though the first aid people at work were all freaking out and telling me they needed to call an ambulance. Your maternal instincts naturally take over.

4. FIND A SUPPORT NETWORK

Like I've said above, there are many avenues {and well meaning strangers} that will lead you to the wrong advice. As much as you should avoid these, you'll also need a support network. I originally tried to find this in online forums on baby websites, but like google this just lead me to becoming paranoid about everything that could go wrong. I've found my best source of support has been a facebook group of women who are all now pregnant after infertility. I knew some of them from my infertility journey over the last few years and for me it's been amazing being able to share advice, opinions, fears and milestones with people who understand the journey I've been through. There's no judgement which is awesome (because sometimes you feel like everyone is judging every decision you make when pregnant). Your support network may come in the form of family members, colleagues or close friends. It doesn't matter as long as you have somewhere you can go to when you need reassurance.

5. BUY A PREGNANCY PILLOW

I got mine pretty early on and I'm glad I did. They can be expensive, but well worth it as you'll be using them for some time. Trust me sleep gets quite uncomfortable, especially when you're forced to sleep on your side. Having something to cuddle into and rest on really helps. I guarantee you'll end up snuggling with your pillow way more than you do with your partner. If you don't get a proper pregnancy pillow at least get a pillow for between your legs as it will help with leg cramps and fluid retention.

6. Sleep when you can

I worked fulltime up until my body broke down at 30 weeks so I didn't really get to sleep whenever I wanted to. However, on days off I had the overwhelming need to have nanna naps. OMG Nanna naps are the best thing ever. I advise you to have them whenever and wherever you can. Now that Im on maternity leave even though Im doing less my need for naps has increased, probably because I'm a lot bigger and carrying around this weight is a lot more exhausting. Also sleep at night will soon become a thing of the past as pregnancy insomnia kicks in. I have it bad. Sleeping through the day when you get a chance will at least allow your body to get some rest.

7. Do your exercises

Yes nobody likes to talk about pelvic floor exercises, but seriously do them. I used to think oh yea it will be easy to remember, but I have still forgotten 80% of the time. Now that I have PSD it is even more crucial for me to do them as my pelvis is already out of alignment and my muscles are already stretching too much. Maybe if I did them more often earlier I wouldn't be in this situation, or at least it wouldn't be as severe.

8. Make lists

Lists have saved my life. After I had a breakdown at a baby shop the only thing that made me realise I could cope was to write out a list of what I needed. Trying to keep everything swirling around in my brain is just too confusing and leads to emotional outbursts when I cant remember everything at the same time. In the first week of my maternity leave I wrote a list of all the organising I want to get done before the baby comes (its 4 pages long) and even though I havent been able to do it all yet, it has broken it down into smaller tasks and seems a lot more achievable now. Yes I am still a planner, can you tell?

9. Take belly photos

I thought I would go crazy with this and do a photo each week just to make sure my belly was growing. I havent been quite that crazy, I take a new one about every three weeks. I feel a bit guilty for not over documenting my pregnancy so far, given that it took me so long to get here. But, I am glad that I will have photos to look back on later. If you get a chance I would seriously recommend a professional maternity photoshoot.

10. Connect with your belly

Take the time to connect with your belly. Right now it is a special bond that only you get to experience with your baby. Talk to your baby (I sometimes do this at random moments when shes kicking or rolling and I get weird looks, but people are used to it now). Touch and rub your belly. I find the best time to do this is when I am rubbing cream into my belly morning and night. Take some quiet time to sit and really concentrate on your baby's movements. I usually put my hand in between my belly and my pillow at night and feel her movements and kicks - sometimes I feel her hand or foot stretch out and push into me. Its amazing like being able to hold her before shes here.

Hopefully some of this advice has been helpful and hasn't been filtered to your ignore it box.

Do you have any other advice you would add?

Toni x

What is the meaning of family?

When I was younger I thought family meant a mum, dad and two kids. Which was exactly what my family was at the time, at least until everything changed after dad died. I guess when I was young my definition of family was quite traditional and probably shaped by my environment. All the advertising back then was aimed at the nuclear family, divorce was rarely spoken about {I don't think I even knew what it was until my parents separated} and I didn't know there was such a thing as single mums. That was again until my mum became one {well technically a widow}. My concept of family was entirely about what I was born into, the blood relationships that I had inherited. It wasn't until I got older that I realised family could be based on relationships with people I wasn't related to.

My family before my brother was born

Through my teenage years when I experienced a bit of disconnection from my actual family I began to build my own family through my network of friends. When I was 16 I started my first real job {you know one where I actually got pay slips} and my "family" expanded further. A lot of the women I worked with were my mum's age and they became my surrogate work mums. I couldn't really understand at the time why I didn't have a close relationship with my own mother and yet I could get along with so many women her own age. I often wondered if she had the same relationship with younger people at her work. I probably also got along with the other women more because they didn't have an authoritarian role in my life, just quietly. Nevertheless they did provide me with advice and give me a place to turn when I felt I couldn't talk to anyone at home. They were my family and I still consider them a valuable part of my extended family now.

As I have grown older the socially acceptable definition of family is a lot more broader. Divorce is not hush hush like it was 20 or so years ago. In fact it's probably more prevalent than the nuclear family unfortunately. Single mums and single dads are a fact of life now too. Although the meaning of family is now a lot broader than it used to be, I still find myself craving the nuclear family. Perhaps it's because I didn't get to experience it for that long? A case of the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence maybe.

T and I were drawn to each other partially because of our similar dysfunctional families growing up. We know what its like to be on the outside of the norm. We both also have a strong desire to create a stable family life because of this. I want to have a close relationship with my daughter and I really want her to have a relationship with her father. Perhaps our childhood experiences were not entirely bad, in the sense that it has made us into the people we are today. It has fortified our strong desire to create a good family life for our children. Now that we are at the precipice of becoming parents this is always in the forefront of my mind. While I'm forever grateful for those who helped me over the years, I really hope our children will think of us as their family and wont have to find surrogates.

How do you define family? 

Are there people other than your relatives who you consider part of your family?

Toni x

What it feels like to be broken

I have been a bit quiet on here (or at least it seems to me that I have as I haven't been checking the stats everyday or drafting up new post ideas). There is a reason. I have been dealing with some news in my real life and its been taking over all my emotional energy and draining my desire to write about anything else. It has been all encompassing and yet I have been too scared to share it on here. I am starting to feel ok with it or at least accept it so I guess it is time I release the news into a public forum. More-so for myself so that I don't get buried under the weight my mind is putting on myself by going over and over and over it in my head. It seems appropriate and somewhat ironic that today is all about I heart my body and yet the whole reason for my emotional turmoil is because of my body, and the last thing I feel at the moment is love for it.

I was officially diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) recently. For those of you sitting at home wondering what the hell I'm talking about, you can read more about it here (so that I don't have to go through all the symptoms myself). It has been both a relief as such and a curse. It was not a shock, I have suspected it for years since I had fertility problems in the past. It is reassuring (in a strange, twisted way) to know that there is a reason why a lot of things have been and also haven't been happening for me. It is nice to know that I am not imagining or making up all of the symptoms I was experiencing. Everybody used to tell me to just relax when I was trying to get pregnant (FYI worst advice you can give someone who's ttc) and that it wasn't my fault. I started to think I was crazy. That there wasn't actually anything wrong and that I was just looking for excuses as to why nothing was happening. Then, when my marriage broke up everyone was consoling me with "it was all him it has nothing to do with you", "you will be able to have a baby it was just the stress of the relationship". As naive as it sounds I hoped that they were right, but on a subconscious level I knew it was me. I knew this pain would continue. And I was right, but not in a good way like where you want to go running back at people and throw "I told you so" in their faces.

I am having huge issues with my body right now. I have never really had a healthy positive relationship with my body thanks to years of low self esteem and then being told how crap I was by so many people. Then, when I had infertility issues my self loathing deepened. Now, its at a whole new level. I used to think that my body was against me by not letting me get pregnant. Like everybody else could just decide they wanted to get pregnant and their body would follow suit and do what it needed to do to reach the common goal. I have always felt like my body hated me and wanted to punish me, but deep down I knew that was crazy. Now I feel completely disconnected from my body. I feel like my brain and my soul are trapped inside this vessel that is doing everything in its power to work against me and against my dreams. I know that it could be a lot worse and that there are a lot worse diseases, conditions and injuries out there. I am thankful that I don't have anything worse but to me at this point in my life it is one of the worst things that could happen to me as a woman.

PCOS makes me feel really alone. Its not something people want to talk about and its not something that people can easily relate to. I think that I must have got it genetically (as I don't have the usual lifestyle factors) which makes it even harder as nobody else in my family, that I know of, has it. Nobody understands. It makes it even harder to sit here and wonder why me? Why did I have to be the one to get this? Why, when I always thought I was born to be a mother, was I essentially born with a syndrome that causes the exact opposite? It's not fair. But, it is what it is and I just have to deal with it. I have met some wonderful people online in support groups (and of course T is nothing short of amazingly supportive as usual) and without them I know I would be in a much darker place right now. I am so grateful for the relationships I have made with complete strangers and the fact that together we can help each other through this.

Thanks to Mel for this awesome banner

There is no cure. I will never be "normal" not that I ever feel like I have been. The good news is that I can fight it in order to hopefully have kids in the future. I fully intend on fighting it, and succeeding. That is the small light in a somewhat dark tunnel. I have hope that one day sometime in the future, however far away from now, that I will infact be a mother. I will have children. I will never beat this fully, but I will not let it beat me. It doesn't lessen the emotional pain that I am feeling now, but I know it will make me appreciate it much more when I do have children.

The part that scares me the most is the fact that my cysts could turn into cancer. I feel like there are these little time-bombs ticking away inside me and I never know when I'm going to piss one off and it will turn into cancer to get back at me. Before I just imagined I might have cysts, but now that I have seen them on a screen in front of me (and there are many) its hard to forget that they are there. It bothers me more-so because the same year my father died the lady two doors down (my friends mum) also died from cancer (from similar causes to PCOS). She was only young and she got very sick. I can reconcile the fact that my father died young because it was of his choosing, but the fact that she died so young, from cancer and she didn't have any choice in it never really sat well with me. Now it really scares me.

I am trying not to let myself go there though, because the thought is too scary. I am trying to imagine the future with me and T and everything that we ever wanted. I mean seriously I think by now I deserve a break. If ever there is a reason for me to live in the moment and not worry about the future this is it, so that is what I am going to try really hard to do.

Toni x

R. U. OK?

If you're in Australia then you've probably already heard about this as its been taking over Facebook all day. Today is national R.U.OK day. Quite simply its about getting people to communicate more and ask their friends, family, colleagues etc are you ok? The theory goes if more people talk about their problems then it will take the stigma away from depression and will lead to more people asking for help and receiving the help they need. Which ultimately reduces the stigma around suicide and hopefully in turn (by people getting the help they need) will lead to suicide prevention.

This is particularly close to my heart. You are all aware by now that my father died when I was 10. What you don't know yet is that he committed suicide.

It was incredibly hard to come to terms with as a child. To have a dad one day and then nothing the next. Its not like when someone is sick and you have time to prepare, knowing that one day they are going to die. In that situation (not that its really any better) you have time to say your goodbyes. Time to do everything and say everything you want to say before the day comes. I never knew it was coming. I didn't get to say goodbye, no last I love you. Nothing.

On top of this, apart from coming to terms with my dad being gone at the age of 10, I had to deal with the fact that he actually chose to die and he did it himself. What on earth could be so bad that he actually wanted to die? Why would he want to leave me and my brother? Were we not good enough to make him stay? Could I have stopped him from doing it if I was there? Was it my fault? Didn't he love me anymore? So many questions went running through my head. For a 10 year old that's a lot of emotional baggage to deal with and make sense of. When I went back to school I was also teased by the other kids - I remember one girl pointed and laughed at me while saying "haha your dad killed himself".

I never really knew he was depressed. I knew him and mum were separated and going through the process of getting divorced. I'm not really sure that I ever thought they would actually get divorced. I could never really imagine life without him or life going between mum and dad's houses and having to split everything between the two. I never really had time to give the idea much thought as three months after they separated he was gone. Those three months were shit though. Going from one house to the other and having both of them asking about the other to find out whats happening. Endless fighting over the house and the bribes to get information. Actually the bribes I liked a bit to be honest, because it was pretty awesome to get ice blocks just for answering a question when we never would have got that before. I feel guilty about it now. But still, overall it was a shit time.

I didn't even know they were fighting until the day we were pulled out of school because we were moving in with grandma and pa. We didn't spend much time around mum and dad together because they were always working and when we were on holidays we would go stay with grandma and pa. So, it was quite a shock to me when we were moving out of the house. The only thing I remember was that there were holes inside the wardrobe doors in their bedroom. I never heard them fight though so I assumed someone must have fallen over and landed into the wardrobe door or something..? I do remember that one day when we were driving down to the gold coast they had a big fight over the radio and how loud it was and dad drove the car off the highway into a ditch because he was pissed with mum. That was kinda scary. Other than that nothing really ever tweaked me to the idea that things were going wrong.

As someone who has been left behind from suicide and dealt with the after affects I can not stress the importance of R U OK day. I wish somebody could have helped my dad. I wish he got the help he needed and I wish he was still here. No matter how shit life might have been growing up as a child of divorce it still would've been much better than growing up as a child of suicide.

So I urge you all to ask your loved ones are you ok? 

You never know how much you might help them just by showing that you care.

Toni x


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