When motherhood doesn't go the way the baby books say it will

Having a baby is meant to be one of the happiest times of your life. That's what I thought. That's what the media {well everyone really} tells us. All of the images in the baby books are of happy mums and smiling bubs. The pamphlets they give you at the hospital are full of the same. And everyone always talks about the overwhelming surge of love and happiness you will feel when you meet your baby for the first time. What's not to be happy about?

I didn't have the easiest road to motherhood, but once I was pregnant I never doubted my ability to be a mother or to love my child. I'd looked forward to motherhood my whole life. I wanted nothing more than to bring new life into the world and have the privilege of raising a little person. I knew I'd love my baby with every ounce of my being. I just knew it.

I've always been drawn to babies. I had a very strong maternal instinct from very early on. I was always looking after my friends and making sure everyone was ok. I was very much the mother hen. Nurturing was in my nature so there was no reason why I should question what lay ahead. My dream was finally coming true. I knew labour was going to hurt {like a bitch}, but it'd be worth it and after that everything would be perfect. Why wouldn't it be?

Unfortunately I ended up being as far away from the perfect mum depicted in the books as I could of been. Through no fault of my own, my initial experience of motherhood wasn't warm and fuzzy. The first time I saw my baby I wasn't overwhelmed with love - I was in complete shock that I'd just undergone an emergency c-section. I was spaced out on a concoction of drugs that had been pumped into me in an incredibly short period of time. My teeth wouldn't stop chattering and my whole body was shaking. I was trying to comprehend the fact that I'd just gone through major surgery {and that it was over before I'd even had the chance to process that it'd be happening in the first place}. 

There was no lovingly staring into my babies eyes. No skin on skin contact and surge of happy hormones. Only shaking and disbelief. I couldn't even hold her because I was shaking so badly (a side effect of Pethidine). Then she was whisked away to recovery while I was stitched back together. I'd just given birth in a whirlwind of activity, people {so many people}, drugs and on a sterile cold table and then she was taken away from me a few minutes later. It didn't even seem real.

That's when the sadness started creeping in. I was mourning the fact that I didn't get the natural birth I wanted. I didn't have a preconceived idea of how I wanted my birth to play out, just that I wanted to at least try and have a natural birth. Going into labour there was no reason why this wouldn't be possible, so to end up having an emergency c-section without even being allowed to attempt pushing was a real shock. I felt robbed of my evolutionary right to birth my own child. I muddled through all the midwife checks under a thin veil of mock happiness whilst keeping my sadness hidden inside. Sleep deprivation and plummeting hormones weren't helping. The whole time I kept thinking "I finally have my baby I always wanted, how dare I be unhappy".

I was desperately seeking the strong bond that everyone says is natural. For some reason it just wasn't there. How could I not feel an instant bond to my baby when she was my own child? I most certainly loved her, that was never a question, but I just didn't feel that bond that I was supposed to feel. Because of this I felt incredible guilt. I thought I was cheating her out of the mother/daughter relationship she deserved. I'd only been a mum for a few days and I already felt I'd failed at it. I was certain I was a bad mum. I didn't dare tell anyone incase they thought I was a bad mum too.

I eventually opened up to one of my closest friends and admitted that I thought I couldn't cope, that I didn't know what I was doing and that I felt horrible. She didn't tell me I was a bad mum. She didn't brush me off either. She came over and helped me. She listened to me. She saw me at my lowest and hugged me while I cried. She didn't judge me, she supported me. She played a pivotal part in helping me to deal with my depression.

Over the next few weeks I sought help from numerous people and professionals and I went back to feeling like me. I now have an incredibly close bond with my baby. It wasn't instant, but it grew very, very strong over time. She's an extension of me and I don't feel whole without her.

{Photos taken by Katharine Maree Photography}

I want other mums to know sometimes you don't feel an instant bond with your baby. It doesn't mean you're a bad mum. We shouldn't feel pressured to live up to social stereotypes and expectations, or feel bad when we don't. Life doesn't always go the way the books say it will. And that's OK.

I still love her more than anything and she loves me and that's all that matters.

Did you feel an instant bond when you gave birth?

Toni x

Globber My Free 4 in 1 kids Scooter Review

Unlike most of the other kids in mothers group bub wasn't really interested in any ride on toys until well after she could walk. Because of this we never bothered buying any of the cool baby ride on musical toys or trikes {much to my disappointment, but T is thankful}. In the last few weeks however she's finally started showing an interest in ride-ons. She's still a bit unsure, but she's willing to give them a go, which is good timing because we got a Globber scooter a few weeks ago.

The Globber My Free 4 in 1 is an awesome little scooter that's perfect for toddlers right through to approximately 6 years old. Like the name suggests, it has 4 different functions in the 1 product so it grows and adapts along with your child. It starts out as a parent controlled ride on balance bike, then the handle can be removed so it becomes a balance bike, then the seat can be removed to turn it into a mini scooter and as your child grows the handle can be adjusted to turn it into a proper scooter for big kids.

Please note this scooter has since been renamed as Globber Evo 4 in 1 Scooter and the most recent version is the Globber GO UP Sporty Scooter. The functions of the scooter remain the same with some hardware upgrades.

As bub still isn't quite 2 yet we've only used the scooter in the balance bike positions, both with and without the handle. At first bub was a bit wary of it {like she is with all ride ons} so I let her play with it how she wanted before making her sit on it. She actually likes pushing the scooter around herself with the handle at the back {yep she likes to do things her own way, even if its not the way its supposed to be done}. So when we take it out anywhere she spends as much time pushing it around as she does riding it.

She does ride on it as well, but for some reason she mainly likes riding on it at home. Perhaps she feels safer at home, or maybe she just doesn't want the other kids to watch her incase she falls off {although she's never fallen off}. I'm sure she'll get used to it more and be zooming around the park in no time. For now she's having fun burning off energy zooming around the lounge room and backyard.

Even though she hasn't used the scooter in all 4 settings yet, I can see the many benefits the scooter has. And to be honest if it was big enough for us to use it T and I would definitely have given it a go ourselves by now. Since bub can't talk enough to answer my questions about what she thinks of the scooter, I've put together a list of my favourite features.

My favourite features of the Globber My Free 4 in 1 scooter {Globber GO UP Sporty scooter} are:

Easy to assemble & use

I'm not going to lie, I handed it over to T to put together assuming it'd be way too hard {and frustrating} for me to put together. It turns out its actually really easy to assemble. Of course he did it without reading the instructions properly like all men do {and he didn't screw it up, which is a surprise and a testament to how easy it is to put together}. It's also really easy to change between the different modes, you literally just click the handle bar section in and out of positions.

Also being a scooter {aka not a bicycle with pedals} its really easy for kids to use and they can also control the speed which is great while they're learning balance. The brake is also easy to apply over the back pedal, for both kids once they've mastered it and parents who may need to stop it for the younger kids.

Safety features
The scooter has a number of safety features built in including the parental control handle when used as a balance bike so you know they can't zoom off when they're not confident enough. There's also a steering lock for the front wheels which can be used in conjunction with the parent handle as they're learning. When its unlocked steering is controlled by leaning on either side of the scooter not turning the handle which again helps children to learn balance. The brake is also really easy to use which provides peace of mind. The scooter deck is also specifically designed lower to the ground to cater for younger children.

Adjustable seat + handle height
The adjustable seat and handle heights are great because kids don't all come in the same shape and size. They all grow at different rates and times so being so adjustable means the Globber My Free 4 in 1 caters for all kids within the age and weight restrictions regardless of their height.

Ergonomic seat
The seat isn't just a standard flat uncomfortable seat, its ergonomically shaped for the most comfort. It also has a smooth, soft touch feel to it {well as soft as plastic can get}.

Excellent quality

You can tell just by touching the scooter that its not made from cheap materials like other cheap trikes and ride ons available. The seat, base and handles feel nice to touch and aren't scratchy. It also isn't hollow like lots of other ride ons are, its got a decent weight to it. The wheels are also made from high quality, high rebound polyurethane with nylon cores.

Grows with the child

The best feature of the Globber My Free 4 in 1 is that it can be used from when your child's twelve months old right through to when they're at school. The seat position can be used to a maximum of 20kg and then the scooter base can be used to a maximum of 50kg. There's not many other kids products that have such longevity.

Value for money

Although it may seem like a huge outlay at first {$160} I think its a worthy investment over time. Because the one product can be used for so many years and in so many forms it saves having to buy separate ride ons, balance bikes and scooters which can all be around $100 each. I'm also pretty confident that it'll last longer than she'll use it for so it'll most likely be passed down to any other children we have in the future as well.

The Globber GO UP is a great first scooter for younger kids and a great way to introduce them to riding, scooting and learning balance. It allows them to feel independent, while also giving parents piece of mind as they're learning. The innovative design features also puts it leaps ahead of other kids scooters and ride-ons on the market. You can purchase the Globber GO UP in Australia directly from Globber or from Toymate and Amazon AU. It can also be purchased in America from the Globber Amazon store.

Disclosure - All opinions expressed in this review are my own based on our experience with the product, as per my disclosure policy. I received a scooter from Globber for the purpose of review, but did not receive payment for this review. This post contains some affiliate links for your convenience, which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you, should you make a purchase.

An open letter to all the other mums

Dear other mums,

Yes I am the mother of that child.

The child who can be playing happily one minute then having a major meltdown the next. The child who kicks and screams and throws herself around to get her point across when she's frustrated. The same child who doesn't care that she's in a public place when she's having said meltdown. The same child who you, unfortunately, look upon with shock, horror and dismay.

Yes she does all of these things and yes you did just see them, but there are so many things you don't.

Yes you are seeing a very strong child battling with her mum with every ounce of her being, but what you forget in that moment is just how tiny she really is. She's not even 2yrs old. She may be physically strong, but in many ways she's still so so little so please don't expect her to be able to act beyond her years. 

Yes you see me flustered and struggling to control her, and to you that may look like I have no control, but what you don't know is how much I'm actually in control. It takes an immense amount of mental control to zone out everything around me and focus purely on my daughter. To zone out all the judging eyes I can feel piercing into me from all angles. To zone out the sounds of gasps and whispering. To push aside my own feelings {of embarrassment} and focus entirely on hers. It takes an exorbitant amount of self control. So while she may be losing it, I most certainly am not. 

Yes she may be interrupting your nice day out with her loud screaming, but please know she's not interrupting you on purpose. In fact the last thing she has on her mind is the people surrounding her. In those short, albeit intense, moments when she's having a meltdown there's so much going on in her mind that she's no longer aware of her surroundings or the people in them. Her feelings are so intense and she hasn't yet learnt what they mean or how to process them. So she expresses them in the only way she knows how. She doesn't have the capacity to understand sadness or disappointment so she gets frustrated.

Yes I am the mother of that child and I'm glad she's mine.

I apologise for the screaming and the kicking and the interruption to your day. 

What I don't apologise for is having a strong willed daughter who feels safe enough to express herself. While it may seem like an inconvenience now, someday that self confidence and conviction will serve her well. 

Yes I am the mother of that child and yes you see her at her worst, but what you don't see is when she's at her best - which is the other 95% of our day. You're only seeing a tiny snapshot.

So I ask you, if you happen to see me when she's at her worst please simply give me an empathetic smile, like I would to you. Please don't stand and stare at us. Please don't say nasty things about her or me. Please don't be so quick to judge. Because, as we both know, our children aren't at their best all the time and at some point you too will be the mother of that child.

We're all navigating this parenting journey one day at a time and we're all doing the best for our babies, so lets be a little kinder to each other.

Toni x