Boys and their toys

Most men seem to think that it's a right of passage to have a man cave somewhere in the house. Like they deserve some kind of reward and it should be an entire space that is their own. I don't get a room just to myself so I don't see why they need to, but anyway thats just one of the many differences I don't understand between men and women. T doesn't really have a proper man cave. Technically the garage is kind of his, but you cant walk into it without fear of causing serious personal injury (or maybe thats just me and my unko-ness being nine months pregnant). So, instead he has kind of claimed the backyard. His prized possession being his new bbq.

Somebody is seriously proud of his bbq

This bbq is massive. I honestly always thought bbq's were just another one of those things that men buy bigger in order to overcompensate for other things. Apparently not. Apparently its like a status symbol or something. He's obviously way more of a man than others now that he has a HUGE bbq (ha, *cough*). I have no idea why we need a 6 burner bbq with side plates and a rotisserie when there are only two of us and we hardly ever have people over, but apparently it was an essential purchase.

Funny thing is the bigger the bbq doesn't necessarily mean the food turns out better. When he first got it we went through a phase of only eating bbq food - so that he could show off his cooking prowess each night. Didn't really bother me cos it meant I didn't have to cook (and being pregnant and suffering morning sickness that was a big win). 

One night he decided to go all out and cook a roast chicken. He even went and bought a motor for the rotisserie. He was so excited. Unfortunately the first mistake was buying a huge chicken which only just fit onto the rotisserie (and that was after some fiddling to get it to stay on the dam thing). Again, no idea why we needed such a huge chicken when there are only two of us, but it must just be another man thing I dont understand. The problem with the size of the chicken meant it unbalanced the rotisserie and even though it was turning automatically it meant that it didn't turn properly - so unevenly cooked chicken ensued. That wasn't too bad as T was counteracting it every few mins in a hope to save it. The real kicker was about half an hour into cooking the chicken there was an epic downpour. Like the heavens opened and it was torrential rain. Problem with that was that the bbq is in the backyard and happens to not be under the pergola. Bbq's don't work so well when they are completely drenched. I totally saw the funny side of it, T not so much. So in the end we had roast chicken in the oven and only ate about a quarter of it. First bbq fail. His confidence took a bit of a hit that night, but lucky for him we didn't have guests so it was only little old me who got to witness the epic fail unfortunate incident that was the roast chicken.

I am happy to report that it did not dent his desire to be the new king of the bbq. A few weeks later he cooked a roast pork. This time buying an appropriate sized roast for the rotisserie. He even managed to get perfect crackling. I'm really fussy when it comes to meat and I don't particularly like pork, but this night I went back for seconds so it was really good. Lucky for him because that night we did have guests over, one of which is an executive chef (no pressure). So, T has definitely redeemed himself on the bbq front, which is good because I'm hoping he will go through another bbq phase once bubba is born (because god knows I'm not going to want to cook every night).

Does your man have a weird obsession with his bbq? 

Toni xx

Linking up to The Lounge to talk about bbq's with RoboMum

The nursery

So this is my incredibly late post for Wordless Wednesday - the reason being I've spent all day thinking its Thursday (thankyou baby brain). A lot of people have been asking about the nursery so I just took a few quick snaps. It was originally going to be a Winnie The Pooh theme, but it proved too hard to find matching items (especially for a little girl) so it has turned into a bit of an eclectic mix of all the things I love.

Theres still a few bits of Winnie

I LOVE Willow Tree

This is my favourite

Love these cute little blocks

Yes she already has way too many clothes

I still need to finish colour co-ordinating the hangers and clothes (because I'm insanely OCD about this) and her cot  currently looks like a display shop (it has all her toys stacked in it), but other then that we are just about done.

Toni xx

Linking up for Wordless Wednesday with

Trish from My Little Drummer Boys

Bree from Twinkle In The Eye

Ai from Sakura Haruka

Waiting, waiting, waiting....

My belly @ 24 weeks

So here we are at 38 and a half weeks still patiently waiting (well maybe not patiently) for bubba to arrive. I honestly never thought that I would make it this far. I was so convinced that she would come early because of family history on my side. The fact that my body started breaking down around 30 weeks just reaffirmed my belief that she would be here early.

Her official due date is July 26th which is a date very close to my heart. It was my great grandmothers birthday and I was extremely close to her. We share a lot of personality traits and so I always loved the fact that my daughter was due to come into this world the same day that she did. Like in a way they are somehow connected, and maybe in a way it was a sign from nan that she's still watching over me.

Unfortunately out of all the months of the year that I could have picked to have a baby, I picked the one with the most family birthdays. Accidental fail there. I've had to avoid birthdays on the 8th and 9th and still have to avoid the 16th and 17th. Since the false labour on the 6th I've been on edge that she would come on one of these days. Thankfully she didn't come on the 9th because that was T's birthday. This week we have the cousins birthdays, my nephew is on the 16th and niece is on the 17th. Originally our baby was due on the 18th before they updated my due date and it would be kind of cool if she did come on the 18th - I mean how many families have all the cousins born in a row? Fingers crossed she doesn't come today or tomorrow now that I've posted this.

I would still love it if she came on the 26th, but to be honest I don't know if I want to wait around another week and a half. I'm ready to meet her now (or at least after Thursday). Its becoming increasingly uncomfortable and from all the poking and prodding I swear she is running out of room. I will miss the kicks and hiccups, but at the same time we are eager to meet her. T has been exceptionally eager the last few days, its kind of cute.

I cant wait to see what she looks like. To discover her personality. To get to know her on the outside and forge an even closer bond than what we already have. I cant wait for T to meet her. I am looking forward to that the most, seeing the man of my dreams as the father of my child.


Toni xx

Pregnancy after infertility

Infertility is a hard process to go through. It makes you feel like a failure, an outcast, like you don't belong. You don't have a child so you don't fit in with those who already have children and yet its not that you don't want a child, so you also don't fit in with those who choose to be childless. Once you get to a certain point in life its like everyone is divided into categories, either you're those with children or those without. There seems to be no place for those who want children, but for whatever reason can't have them.

I'm very lucky that I have battled with infertility at this point in time. At a time where there are medical procedures available to overcome it, or at least give hope that it could be overcome. I'm also thankful for the internet. My saviour from the stress and sadness of infertility was the fact that I made so many connections with others online who were going through the same thing. Infertility is still very hush hush in society, despite it being more and more prevalent. I couldn't talk to those in my family about it as they didn't understand, I couldn't talk to friends as they didn't understand and its not really a socially acceptable thing to discuss. Plus, most people don't want to air their 'dirty laundry' in a public forum. I found I could talk to strangers online more than people in my real life as they understood what I was going through. They knew the types of treatments, they understood the emotional roller coaster. They could offer constructive advice and support when things didn't work out. I had finally found a community, a place where I belonged. A place where I could tell the truth and not hide. 

Now that I'm pregnant it doesn't mean that my infertility is cured or that I am no longer infertile. I still have the same problems that I had before I got pregnant and they'll stay with me forever. There is no guarantee that we can have more children. I'd like to think that because the medication worked this time it will work again, but that's not always the case and I'm very aware of this. I still relate to the infertile community and sympathise with their struggles. Infertility will always be a part of my life.

I have found however that once I got pregnant I was somewhat cast out of this community. Essentially I felt shunned, like I was no longer one of them because I happened to be very lucky and get pregnant. It was like I was a traitor to those who were still trying to conceive. I had something they didn't have and because of that they no longer wanted to talk to me. I was no longer a part of the group. I have even been attacked (along with other pregnant people in these groups) by members saying that those of us who are pregnant are not grateful enough and have no idea how much of a gift we have been given compared to the other girls who are still trying. I'm sorry, but just because I happened to get pregnant doesn't mean the last four years of stress, disappointment, sadness and depression didn't happen. According to these girls though it has been wiped out and now that I have got what I wanted I can no longer relate to them. In fact some of them act like I'm the enemy. I cant believe how quick they are to turn on you. I understand that they feel left out because they're still waiting for a miracle, but its like they want me to feel guilty for succeeding.

In a way infertility not only affected my life for the past few years, but it's tarnished my pregnancy as well. In the beginning I was so scared of something going wrong. I spent the first few months on edge and not enjoying the fact that I was pregnant. Instead I spent each day wondering if that would be the day it would be taken away from me. I didn't announce my pregnancy until later because I was aware of other friends who were still trying to conceive and I didn't want to upset them with my news. I didn't post belly photos as often as I wanted so I wouldn't offend others. I've spent the majority of the time curbing my behaviour that I've forgotten to sit back and enjoy my pregnancy. I felt guilty for getting pregnant and now I feel guilty for not enjoying it enough. I once again feel like I don't belong.

I have finally realised you can't please everybody. Its ok for me to sit back and think about me for a while. It's time for me to be selfish. Its time for me to enjoy my pregnancy and my baby. I'm sorry if I offend some people by doing this, but this is my time. I don't want to look back and only have regrets, especially if this ends up being the only time I get to experience it. I'm still here to support my fellow ttc friends, but I'm not going to let it dictate the way I act. Hopefully people don't think less of me for being this way.

Toni x

Maternity photoshoot x 2

T and I just received our photos from our 35 week maternity shoot. All I can say is wow. I am so beyond thrilled with them. Ive mentioned before that I am my biggest critic when it comes to photos of myself and yet when I first looked at these instead of psycho analysing each and every photo I just burst into tears. Happy tears. Admittedly hormonal tears, but never-the-less very much happy tears. I have never loved photos of myself as much as I love these. I cannot thank Jane enough for taking them. They really are precious memories that we will cherish for the rest of our lives. Im so excited I just had to share a few with you.

(c) Jane Gilbey Photography

I love this one because I look so happy. In reality it was freezing (its winter here) and I had countless pieces of grass and twigs sticking into me. But I love the fact that it looks so effortlessly comfortable.

(c) Jane Gilbey Photography

I know this one is your typical cliché maternity photo, but I have to admit I am a sucker for cliché photos!

(c) Jane Gilbey Photography

I love this one for numerous reasons - T is in it, hes touching my belly, we're on the beach and we look content. What more can you ask for really.

This is only a tiny selection of the awesome photos we have. I am so glad that we got a professional photo shoot done (well technically this is our second one) and now we have all these wonderful photos to share with our daughter in the future.

Toni xx

* Photos are all subject to copyright and may not be redistributed

Linking up for Wordless Wednesday with Trish from My Little Drummer Boys

False starts

Image source

You know when you're about to start a race and they say Ready, Set, Go and someone goes on set and they false start the whole race and you have to do it all over again? Yea well thats been my life the last three days. And I'm still yet to compete in or complete the actual race! I'm talking about false labour.

I didn't know that false labour existed before this weekend. I assumed that once you start getting contractions that actually hurt that it is labour. The process has begun, get comfortable and get ready for the pain to get worse. Pretty much. At least thats how everyone has described it to me. With the added back pain and period like cramps.

So, Saturday morning at 1:30am I instinctively woke and while I wasn't sure why, I had a strong feeling I needed to be awake because something was going to happen. No idea how I knew that. I was right though.  Within ten minutes I started to have back pain and then cramps. Within half an hour the contractions started. They came roughly twenty minutes apart. It took me about an hour to work out whether it was actually happening or whether I was just making it all up because I was half asleep. It continued for a few hours, but the contractions weren't getting closer together, just a little stronger. I decided to try and sleep because the midwives tell you that in early labour in the middle of the night you should try and rest before it becomes more intense. I fell asleep about 4am and then woke again just before 5am. By then the cramping was still there but the contractions seemed to have stopped. They didn't come back.

At which point I thought I was a freak of nature. How in the hell did I manage to sit out labour for four hours and then make it stop? I didnt know it could just stop? Id been told it could slow down like if you go to the hospital too early, but it had fully stopped. I thought there was something wrong with me. I must be the first person in the world this had happened to, because nobody had ever mentioned that it can just stop all of a sudden. Then for a second I thought omg have I blown my one chance at this and now shes never coming out? Ha, sounds completely ridiculous now (but for some reason made sense in the early hours of the morning).

Since then I have discovered there is such a thing as false labour. It is essentially the same as real labour, but it doesn't progress from early labour. Contractions do not get closer together. They can stop completely in false labour simply by changing positions, resting or walking. Unlike real labour - which does not end, until you get the baby. Its not really fun, its like going through all the pain and not getting the prize at the end. I feel a bit ripped off. I got myself all motivated and excited and then got nothing. Apparently 20% of all first time mums will experience false labour at least once before real labour (yes it can happen more than once). Of course I would be in the 20%. If there is a chance of something out of the norm happening, it will no doubt happen to me.

Since then I've had a couple of painful contractions, but nothing that lasts longer than an hour. Im hoping that the next time I get contractions it is actually the real thing. I'm ready. I didn't want her to come out early last week, but after this I am now very ready and anxious to meet her. At physio today I was told I probably wouldn't make it to my appointment on Friday, so for now I am just waiting for something to happen. Watch this space.

I am ready at the starters block, I'm just waiting for someone to say GO.


Toni xx

Its almost the end - a letter to my daughter

Im not going to lie, years ago when I first started trying for a baby I did intend on keeping a journal and writing to the baby each day as a momento of my pregnancy. Unfortunately that hasnt happened. Life has got in the way and I feel a bit guilty that I dont have that to share with her. I am glad I have recorded my pregnancy on the blog though as it gives us a way to look back on the experience. Tonight while sitting quietly the urge to write to my daughter took over.

...................................................................................................................

I'm sitting here on the couch watching some horribly boring tv while your daddy is at work. Its ok though because all I can focus on is your kicks inside of me. Seems you must have had a nap at the same time as me and now you are well and truly awake. I'm slowly waking up, unfortunately I'm not as alert and active as you are yet. Actually that's probably a very fortunate thing as I would most likely do some major damage if I tried to move around as much as you are right now. I don't think I could manage a fly kick, let alone doing it whilst hanging upside down. You on the other-hand can do it no worries. You are already smarter than mummy. Thats my girl!

We are almost at 37 weeks now. I cant believe we made it this far. I was so convinced that you would come early the same way that mummy and Elouise did. But yet again you are proving mummy wrong and determined to stay safe inside me for a bit longer. Most other mums want pregnancy to be over by now. I'm not going to lie, it is getting quite uncomfortable, but each and every day you stay inside me is a blessing. Another day we get to spend together just the two of us. I love feeling you move around so much. Even when you poke your arm out the side of me or try to put your foot up under my ribs, although I'm thankful you only do that every other day. I love it when you get the hiccups, it is the weirdest feeling for me, but so incredibly cute. Im so grateful to have you in my life already, even though I haven't officially met you yet.

We cant wait to finally meet you soon. Daddy is so excited to be able to hold you soon. We cant wait to look into your little eyes, to hold your hands and tickle your little toes. I wonder if you will look like me or more like daddy? I wonder if daddy will cry. One thing is for sure, we will both love you as much as possible and remind you each and every day. We will do everything to protect you.

I love you so much bubba

love mummy x

Animal instincts

Max snuggling with bub @ 16weeks

Animals really are quite smart. I swear they have a sixth sense and can pick up on changes that you cant physically see. The cats have always been good at responding to my emotions,  they can always instinctively tell when I'm sad or lonely and they make sure they come and sit with me. Its gone to a whole other level now that I'm pregnant.

Before I even knew I was pregnant I went to visit my friend and her cat was acting very strange around me. He's normally very independent and will come up for a scratch but that's about it. That day he was all over me. He was coming and laying on my lap with his arm over my belly and going to sleep. When he wanted to walk to the other side of the couch he would jump down walk around my legs then back up on the couch and continue walking across it, like he was too scared to jump over my belly. Both me and my friend noticed how weird he was acting, but neither of us tweaked that I could be pregnant.  A little less than a week later I got a positive pregnancy test and his behaviour suddenly made sense. I swear he knew.

My own cats have also changed their behaviour. They follow me around a lot more. If I take a nap they have to come and sleep on the bed with me. Shelby is a lot more attached to the baby though. Since the very first few weeks she has snuggled onto my belly at night. I remember the night she sat on my belly and got kicked for the first time. It was hilarious. One minute she was happily sitting there asleep the next her eyes pop open in shock and she had the weirdest expression on her face (kind of like wtf was that and where did it come from??). Then the second kick and she was gone. She has gotten used to it though because now she sits on my belly and when she gets kicked she just purrs and snuggles in closer and somehow always manages to put the baby to sleep. Its kind of cute that they are little buddies already.

Shelby protecting her new best friend

The last few weeks the cats have got a bit more frantic with their behaviour. I think everyday they are on edge thinking when the hell is this thing going to come out. I mean there's a big difference between a nine week cat pregnancy and a nine month human one so they probably think I've been pregnant for years now. Their latest thing is that they wont let me go to the toilet by myself. They take turns watching me each time I go. I have no idea how they work out who's turn it is each time - maybe its whichever one is closest to the toilet or they do a tag your it kind of thing? Some days they are so edgy I get all three of them in there with me. Jasper is usually up on top of the toilet behind me, Shelby stands up against my leg and Max is usually sitting in front of me looking confused. I swear its enough to give a girl a complex. Every now and then Max or Shelby will try and check the bowl after I get up, just to make sure she's not in there. I don't know what they think they're going to do if she does actually fall out into the toilet? Jump in after her? I guess its nice that they care though. Poor little things must be so confused about what's happening.

Apparently they are meant to be able to sense when birth is imminent. So, the day all three of them start following me from room to room throughout the day I will be the one on edge.

Toni x