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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Deja vu

Do you ever get the feeling that you've done exactly the same thing before? Remember a few months ago when I wrote about my car accident and how it was the first car accident I'd had in nine years of driving? Well fast forward seven months (yes thats right a mere seven months) and you guessed it, its happened again. Talk about bad luck.

Here's the clincher..... the second accident was again on the way home from work, again on a Friday, again at about 6pm at night, again on exactly the same road as before (albeit a bit closer to work) and again I was rear ended whilst completely stationary in traffic! WTF? Seriously there were at least a hundred cars on the road just in between the two closest sets of traffic lights to the accident, how in the hell did I manage to be the only one who got hit???? I swear my car is a magnet for stupid people and I'm not sure why.

Once again I got to go for a ride in the ambulance to the hospital. No sirens or lights though, ripped off. I was only there for a few hours for observation as my blood pressure and heart rate were high. I didn't actually get injured this time although I did hit my head in the collision again, but it wasn't as bad as before. The doctors tried and failed twice to put in a drip because my veins are like invisible. By the way I am super scared of needles so that was probably more scary than the accident. I have a huge bruise to show for it too. Thankfully after that some other doctors came past and said I could go (before the evil doctor could come back with the needles again). Four hours in the hospital again, but this time the doctors actually seemed to care about me - it was a different hospital than before. Still I am thankful that I didn't get hurt, it could have been a lot worse.

So again I am without a car for I don't know how long. On the upside it will be shiny and new again once it comes back. The funny part about the phone call to the insurance company was when she asked if there was any previous damage. I think my answer went along the lines of "well seven months ago my rear bumper was all smashed in the same as it is now, but you fixed it for me before it got hit again today". Oh yea and exactly the same tow truck driver towed my car! And he magically turned up out of nowhere like before. I swear I will be on a first name basis with the tow truck driver and everyone at the insurance company soon. Thats not to say that I want it to happen again. Are you listening universe?? Keep the stupid people away from me when Im driving and especially in heavy traffic.

I am slightly sceptic that by writing about this it may cause it to happen again....

Lets hope I'm not right.

Toni xx

Monday, January 14, 2013

Miss independent

I could sit here and dwell on all the things in life that I wish had turned out differently. However, there is no point in crying over spilt milk. Wishing things turned out differently is not going to change anything . Instead, I choose to focus on the lessons learnt and good things that have come from the bad times. The main benefit I have gained from numerous points in my life is my independent streak. It's not so much an I am woman hear me roar type of feminist independence or a selfish inflated sense of self importance, but just the fact that I am able to take care of myself. I want to take care of myself, I can rely on myself and I don't want to be a burden on other people. This is one of the qualities that I like most about myself, regardless of how it came about.

There is no doubt that I had to grow up quicker than most children given what happened when I was young. This was the start of developing my own independence, but it was more in a maternal way. After dad died I took on an adult role. I helped with the cooking, cleaning and shopping because I wanted to help out. I wanted to show that I could be an important part of the family. That I could step up. Most of all I wanted to help make everything easier for mum. Doing these things from an earlier age helped develop life skills which enabled me to take care of myself a lot sooner.

My desire to be independent really grew as I watched mum be a single mother for years after dad died. She could do anything. She didn't need a man. She didn't need help. At least never in front of us. She didn't whinge about it, she just got on with doing everything she needed to do. She took care of herself and us. I wanted to be like her. I wanted to make sure that when I was older I could take care of myself too. I didn't want to be a burden on society, I didn't want to have to ask for help. I wanted to be able to do it all on my own. I thought she was the strongest person I knew. I wanted to be strong too.

In some ways my desire to be independent also grew from fear. I have always been worried that I would end up in a situation where I would have to take care of myself the same way mum did, so I wanted to prepare for it before it happened. I know its irrational, but its how I grew up. Its the only family life I've ever known so its logical on some level that I would make those assumptions as a child. These days I am taking control of my fears. I no longer believe thats the only way life is going to turn out. I believe that I can and will have a long and happy loving family life.

I am, however, still very grateful for my independent streak. I believe that it has allowed me to get to where I am today. I also think it will make me a better mother and wife. I know T is sometimes frustrated by it as he wants to be the man and provide for me. I am learning to accept his help. To realise it is ok to rely on his support. It's ok to open myself up that much emotionally and be vulnerable and no longer be scared of it.

Sometimes the moments in life that shape our destiny also mould us into better people. Allowing us to grow in ways we might not have done before. And sometimes people come along and allow you to challenge your fears. Life is all about continuously developing, whatever the reason.

Toni x