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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I need a holiday from the holidays

Is anybody else seriously over Christmas? I know its not a very positive way to start a post, but I seriously think I need a break from the holiday season. Or even better if I could actually ever take a holiday during the holiday season that would be awesome (even though everywhere would be over priced at this time of the year). I blame my job for my current mood.

After 12 years of working in retail Christmas really is a non event for me. Like all the other 'events' in the retail calendar it starts weeks, and in this case months, before the actual day. Christmas decorations have been for sale since September (yes September - don't know why you would need to rush out and buy a tree or box of bon bons that early, but in the event you do you can be rest assured you will be covered). Christmas trees have been on display since November and the Christmas chocolates have been for sale on the counters for about two weeks now (yes Christmas chocolate - there is a way to commercialise every possible thing during the holiday season). Carols have been playing since the end of October and on continuous repeat since November. Can you imagine how annoying they become when you hear them on repeat over and over and over for eight to ten hours a day five days a week  o.0

Argh I just need to escape.

I miss the days when I was younger and I looked forward to Christmas. I could not wait until the 1st December, not only to put up the tree and decorations, but mainly the Christmas lights. I absolutely loved Christmas lights and I still do - although I really cant fathom going out looking at lights after working all day. I used to draw sketches of our house covered in lights so that mum would know where to put them so it looked exactly the way I wanted it to. There was a whole bunch of us in the street who all used to decorate our houses with lights and each year the displays got bigger and better (much to mums disgust Im sure as she had the job of putting them up). We used to walk around the neighbourhood to look at all the lights on display and there was a real sense of excitement and community. I miss the magic and wonder of Christmas.

I'm hoping next year will finally be the year I get the magic back. The plan is I will no longer be working in retail so I wont be bombarded over and over with propaganda all day. I'm sure in shorter more spaced out spurts that Christmas time at the shops would be bearable. I want to get excited about putting up the tree and cover it with as many lights as possible. I want to actually send out christmas cards for the first time in ages. I want to watch the christmas carols on the tv. I want to co-ordinate my presents with ribbon and labels and bows and all the cute and pretty things. I want to have the big family get together with all the yummy food. Most of all I want to be able to sleep it all off the next day instead of working the craziest day of the year. I want to do Christmas my way - full of wonder, excitement, joy and magic.

How are you celebrating Christmas this year? 

Is it exciting or do you just want it to be over?

Toni x

Friday, December 14, 2012

He is my happy ending

After I separated from my ex-husband I never thought that I would have a happy ending. My first attempt at marriage wasn't happy and was far from perfect. How was I ever going to find the perfect man or perfect relationship? I didn't even know what perfect was. All I knew was what I didn't want to do again.

I was horrified (ok horrified is a strong word, maybe really scared) that I would never find anyone again, let alone find someone who was perfect. Even though I felt this way I was also realistic and wasn't going to settle again just in order to have someone in my life. I would rather be alone than to be with someone who treats me badly (I still firmly believe this today). So, off I went on the journey of the rest of my life alone and happy to be that way. Not looking for anyone. I was on a journey of rediscovery, focusing on me and my loves and needs - for the first time in my life.

You know what they say.... you always find what you're looking for when you're not looking for it. We met totally by chance and there was some tiny niggling little part of my subconscious that made me decide to go there. To open myself up. To be vulnerable again. Still I had no expectations - I wasn't going to get high hopes and be let down, not after all the crap I had already been through. After a few weeks I came to the realisation that yes we were infact dating (I guess you can call it that?) or boyfriend and girlfriend even though that sounds so highschool. I really don't know what the correct term is for two people in their mid twenties who see each other four or five times a week, but don't go on official dates because its too awkward (and nerve-racking). Whatever it is it fit nicely into the "in a relationship" status on facebook which I finally succumbed to after about 6 or 7 weeks.

Sometime after that we moved in together then days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. Then after a while you forget how long its been, you forget everything that came before and you cant imagine life ever being anything other than what it is now. Its amazing how the mind can block out bad memories from the past and allow you to focus solely on the good happening right now. Its also amazing how despite having no clue what my perfect relationship would be, I managed to find it. I somewhat accidentally went from being happily single to happily in a relationship and now to happily engaged.

He is my happy ending, or rather my happy beginning (because I certainly don't want this to end). This is my perfect relationship even though he is not a completely perfect man. He has his drawbacks, like snoring and spending too much time playing play station. But, you know what, I wouldn't have it any other way because then he wouldn't be who he is. He is my T, my love, my everything, my future and my happiness (at least a big part of it).

This is what my happiness looks like

Our relationship is ever evolving and I think for the most part we are just making it up as we go along but that seems to be working fine for now. Being free of expectations and plans and living in the moment is working very well. Everyone has the opportunity to be happy again, no matter what has happened in the past. Happy endings (or beginnings, however you want to see it) really are incredible and so very special.

Toni xx