Infertility hurts

A handful of people know that we've been trying to have another baby. Others have probably guessed, but I've kept it pretty close to my chest. I was really hoping that this time around it would just happen. That somehow my first pregnancy would've flicked a switch in my body and it would just know what to do to get pregnant this time around. I was hoping, actually wishing, my infertility would've gone away and I wouldn't have to go through all this pain again. But here we are after trying for almost 6 months and we're no closer to being pregnant than we were when we started.

It was at this point when trying for bub that I pretty much had a breakdown and went to the fertility Dr to start treatment. I spent 3½ years prior to that trying to conceive with my ex-husband so I knew after 6 months of nothing happening that I didn't want to waste any more time. I didn't want the roller-coaster of emotions to go on any longer than it had to. This time though it's felt different, at least I thought it did. I thought I was coping.

The last few months I've felt much more relaxed than I did the first time around. Already having a child now I haven't been as desperate as I was before. I know its possible for me to get pregnant and I already have a gorgeous little girl who I get to hang out with every day. My life hasn't been hinging on pregnancy tests each month like it was the first time. There have still been pregnancy tests every now and then {thanks to my body being all over the place and giving me false hope}, but there haven't been as many. Because I know how heartbreaking it is watching that ink run across the test window, hoping and praying for a second line to appear. Those 3 minutes seem like a lifetime and then just like that they're over and that one single line is the most depressing thing you've ever seen. Its amazing how a bit of ink on a piece of paper can so vehemently crush you. Well not this time round. I've taken a few tests, but I've rarely allowed myself to get my hopes up. Only once did I actually think I might be pregnant, but I convinced myself I wasn't so the negative test wasn't as hard to swallow.

I thought I was handling it. I thought I was stronger than last time. I have a thicker skin afterall. I've been there, done that and most of all I know it can work. I know there can be success and I thought that knowledge would be enough to get me through. But its not. It's becoming so apparent that its not.

This week I burst into tears after seeing a pregnancy announcement. It wasn't because I'm not happy for them, I'm so so happy for them, it was just a {completely unexpected} knee jerk reaction. Reality smacked me over the head. For some reason that single moment made it glaringly obvious to me that no matter how much I want to get pregnant I can't just decide I want it to work and have it happen. Other people can decide they want a baby and have a baby, and I just can't. And I'm not ok with that. Suddenly, in a split second, all of the feelings came rushing back and the only way I can process that is by crying. The emotional floodgates have opened. I can feel it.

I'm back to feeling inadequate. I'm back to feeling like I'm not a real woman, because I know my body can't do what its meant to be able to do. And that hurts. It hurts so much. It hurts just as much as the first time. I thought it was different the second time around, but its exactly the same, I'd just built up much higher walls around my feelings, but right now they're crumbling all around me and I don't know what to do.

I don't want to be here again. I don't want to be on this roller-coaster. I don't want to feel helpless. I don't want to look at bub and just see time ticking away and realise that there might be a huge age gap between her and a sibling, or that she might end up being an only child. I don't want to be seeing the world this way again, but I don't want to get off this ride either. I don't give up and I won't. I can't. I have to hold onto the hope that we will still have another baby, even if it means more fertility treatment. I just wish I still had rose coloured glasses on and could pretend it wasn't hurting so much.

I know it has nothing to do with the pregnancy announcement either, that was simply a catalyst to something that would've happened eventually. Apparently you can push your feelings down as hard as possible, but eventually they find a way to bubble back up to the surface.

But, I know things are never as bad as they seem and there's always hope so I'll put a smile on my face and keep holding onto that {and cuddle all my friends adorable babies until we can have another one ourselves}.

Toni x

Dairy free banana muffins

I love baking savoury recipes, but I've never really had a desire to bake sweet things, with the exception of cupcakes for birthdays every now and then. However, since having a toddler I've realised savoury just won't cut it all the time. Even though she doesn't get sugar that often {because she doesn't eat much processed food due to allergies} she's still managed to work out what it is and decided that she LOVES it. So naturally to keep her happy I've had to come up with something sweet that's ok for her to have every now and then, so banana muffins it is.

Of course I still had to keep them allergy friendly so I came up with a recipe that is dairy free, soy free and egg free. For this recipe I've used nuttlex, oat milk and egg replacer powder to substitute the butter, milk and eggs. You could also use almond milk instead of oat milk if you want to add a bit more sweetness {although I think they're sweet enough as they are, but it all comes down to personal preference}.

I've made the muffins quite a few times now and have used 2 large cavendish bananas each time which gives them a subtle banana flavour, but if you want them to be a bit more in your face banana then use 3 bananas. You can of course use lady-fingers if you prefer them. I make the muffins as mini patty cake size muffins for bub and normal ones for us {although lately she's been eating the big ones too}.

BANANA MUFFINS

INGREDIENTS
* 2 overripe bananas {mashed}
* 2 cups self-raising flour
* 1 cup caster sugar
* 2 tablespoons Nuttlex
* 1 egg {using egg replacer powder}
* 2 tablespoons oat milk

METHOD
1. Pre-heat oven to 180 degrees celsius.
2. Beat wet ingredients together using an electric mixer.
3. Slowly add in dry ingredients while mixing until well combined.
4. Fill muffin cases and cook in oven for 15-20 minutes until risen and skewer comes out clean.

Interview with Tina Harris from Lah-Lah

We're a little obsessed with Lah-Lah at our place. Bub loves to get up and dance to all the songs and I have to admit I don't mind them either. I particularly love Brush Your Teeth because it helps me to get her to brush her teeth at night {which for some reason is always more of a challenge for me than daddy?}. We also love to dance around the lounge room to Shake it Like This.

Lah-Lah, Buzz the Bandleader {and Lola double bass}, Mister Saxaphone, Squeezy Sneezy the piano accordion and Tom Tom are welcomed into our home numerous times throughout the week thanks to their ABC KIDS show Lah-Lah Adventures. We also have a Lah-Lah dvd which makes an appearance at least once a week {and always has to be played more than once because bub demands more Lah-Lah!}. If that wasn't enough Lah-Lah, we're also going to see them live in concert in Brisbane at the end of September - woohoo I can't wait, I mean bub can't wait.

I know we're not the only Lah-Lah mad household so I asked you guys on facebook if you had any burning questions for Lah Lah and of course you did. I was lucky enough to interview Tina Harris {aka Lah-Lah} via email to get all your questions answered. I also discovered her and Mark once lived in Paris, how cool is that?

TINA HARRIS INTERVIEW

Hi Tina,

Thank-you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to do this interview for the blog. 

Lots of my readers are big fans of yourself and the band and would love to get to know more about you and the other band members. I put a call out on social media and these are the questions my readers wanted to ask you. 

When did your love of music first start?

I think I’ve always had a love of music but it probably all started in grade 3 when our primary teacher started a band program. He had a sign up sheet and you could take any instrument home for 2 weeks until you found a match. I started on the trumpet and ended up on the alto saxophone. That was my instrument for years before I picked up singing in high school.

When did you first come up with the idea of Lah-Lah and the big live band, and did you always want to be a children's entertainer?

I had no idea this is the path my life would lead. In fact for many years I studied trained and performed as an opera singer. Mark and I even moved to Paris after I finished my Masters of Performance at the Con in Sydney. I was in love with French music so we moved to France, crazy but true. When Lily and Emily were born life shifted gears and I was really looking for something that fit with family life and my love of music so we started a little class which ended up being a school....then Lah-Lah :)

Did you always plan on having a tv series, or did that evolve over time?

It was after we made our first DVD with Nickelodeon that the idea of a TV series became a possibility. Before that it was a dream of mine but Mark thought I was crazy (this is a regular thought in our family:) but the actual TV series was created with our director Deb Ryan, Mark and myself. It took 18 months to make and was a real love project.

How many instruments can all the band members play in total?

Well Tom Tom plays drum and percussion (so lots!) and Mister Saxophone plays: Saxophone, flute and clarinet. Buzz is bass and Squeezy is piano and accordion.

How do you come up with song ideas?

I’m usually the ideas girl, I sing my thoughts into my phone usually, send them to Mark who works his magic and then we argue about how it should go for a day or so and then usually end up with something we both love. On Sing it Loud the new album all the boys in the band wrote songs for the album and we just love that.

Do you have a favourite song? We're very fond of brush your teeth here as we sing it each night while she's brushing her teeth.

One of my favourite songs is one Squeezy (Gary Daley) wrote called Natures Song. He actually wrote it 20 years ago for his kids when they were little but never recorded it. When he brought it to the band we all just loved it.

Do you have any advice for kids who have a passion for music and drama?

To just go for it, join a group at school or one after school and explore. It really is such a wonderful way to grow your creativity and this really is such an important part of anyone’s education. Thinking creatively heaps to solve problems in all disciplines of life :)

Is there a Lah-Lah movie planned or would you consider it in the future?

Wouldn't that be fun? Our main focus is to get the funding and plans ready for series 2. There’s a new DVD released last month and a new one coming out in November. For now that will keep us plenty busy :)

Tina is so down to earth and lovely to talk to, I can't wait to meet her and the other band members in a few weeks time. Lah-Lah's Big Live Band are currently on tour playing live shows across the country. They're coming to QLD later this month and have shows in other states up until December. 

Are your kids obsessed with Lah Lah too?

Toni x

SmarTrike® Explorer 5 trikes in 1 Review

There comes a time in a toddlers life when they decide being in a pram is pretty much like being in jail. We're at that point. How dare we as parents put them in their own comfy little chair on wheels and push them around so they can sleep whenever they want. I really don't know what she's complaining about, I'd LOVE it if someone wanted to put me in a sofa bed on wheels and push me around. I'd lap that up and have a little nap while someone else did all the hard work.

Now days when we try and put her in a pram either at the shops or to go for walks we're met with a barrage of protest. Kicking, screaming, crying... or my favourite "the clingon" - where she wraps her legs around me and hangs on for dear life. Getting things done with a walking 2yr old in tow is sometimes just as frustrating though as she either goes at snails pace, stops to jump every 2 seconds or decides to dart off in the opposite direction. To try and combat our current situation, and find a compromise that she agrees with, we've recently introduced a trike.

Most of the boys in our mothers group have had trike's in varying forms for a few months now and love them. We've been a bit slow to take up the trike phase, but we're making up for it now with the new smarTrike® Explorer 5-in-1. The Explorer is the latest offering from smarTrike® which combines the features and benefits of a stroller and tricycle into one product that carries children through five developmental stages from 10-36 months. The smarTrike® Explorer starts out as a parent controlled stroller with reclining seat allowing babies to sleep while out, just like in a normal stroller. It then transforms through a series of steps to a parent controlled trike and eventually a child operated trike.

The smarTrike® Explorer includes a padded, washable seat cover, a removable UV sun shade, a small storage pouch and a large storage bag that sits above the trike bucket. It also has a drink holder and an inbuilt mobile phone toy that has its own caddy. For added safety it has a foot brake the same as a normal stroller. There's a pedal bar for younger kids to rest their feet on and then proper adjustable bike pedals for when they've learnt to ride the trike properly. The 360° full swivel front wheel means the Explorer can be steered under parental control without interrupting the movement of the front wheel. Once they've learnt to ride the trike properly the parental control handle can be removed giving kids full control of the trike including steering. The trike comes in 6 different colours - pink, grey, blue, green, purple or orange, we've got the dusty pink.

We're currently using the Explorer in stage 3 {recommended for 18m+} with the parental control attached and the bike pedals locked. Even though she's just turned 2 which is the right age for stage 4, she hasn't learnt how to use the pedals because she's never had a non ride on bike before and her legs are just a smidge too short to pedal properly. I've also kept the waist bar attached because it gives me a greater sense of security given she won't let me do up the harness over her arms any more {she refuses to let me strap her arms in her prams too so we just clip the harness around her waist}.

When we took it out for our first walk bub was a bit apprehensive but, being the ever industrious parents we are, an ice-block bribe quickly quashed any fears she had and she couldn't climb into the trike fast enough. Daddy made us walk the back way to the shops so we weren't on the main road just incase I accidentally steered her onto the road {he clearly has faith in my driving skills}. I was actually quite surprised by just how easy it is to steer, even with a 15kg toddler in it. It took her a couple of times of being reminded to "keep her feet up" before she got the hang of not dragging them along the ground, but after that it was smooth sailing to the shops.

The height of the parental control bar is perfect and its super easy to steer, infact I've even done it one handed a few times. The top pouch is the perfect size to keep my wallet, phone and keys handy and it still has space to spare. The large bag at the back actually fits a lot more in it than you'd expect. We went to the chemist and managed to fit all 10 of her formula cans in the storage bag and there was still room left for some of our fruit and veggies. The only downside to the storage bag is the zip in the top isn't wide enough to fit bulky items so we couldn't fit all our fruit and veg in the bag even though there was still room to spare. I hung the bags on the clip at the back of the bar though and it supported them well, although I did remove them after a while and carry them because I was paranoid I'd snap the clip {I'm not sure its designed to have weight swinging directly off it}.

The smarTrike® Explorer allows her to feel like she has more freedom and is involved in the outdoors moreso than when she's in a pram, even though she's just as safe and secure. The trike handles let her feel in control like she's the one driving and deciding where to go even when I'm firmly in control. She also loooooves the toy phone. She's always walking around the backyard "phone where ahhh you?" and when we ride in it she's pressing all the buttons then answers it "helloooo?". It actually saved us when we were in the chemist and she started getting antsy {and we forgot her num num and blankie}. We pretended to call her phone and that kept her entertained while we were waiting for our script, thankgod.

Overall I think the smarTrike® Explorer 5 in 1 is definitely a worthwhile investment given how long it can be used for and how many different functions it includes, especially if you get it when your child is closer to 10 months rather than 2yrs old. Its easy to assemble, use and change between each stage. There's also a 3yr warranty for piece of mind. The smarTrike Explorer can be purchased at Target and Toys R us starting from $199.

Toni x