Everybody has an innate desire to find a meaning in life. Some people spend their whole lifetime searching for the ever elusive meaning of life. It's why people turn to religion, or believe in fate and destiny. There has to be some sort of purpose. It has to mean something. It doesn't matter what the meaning is as long as there is one.
I've always had a huge drive to find meaning in my life. The need to find meaning got overwhelmingly stronger after dad died. My psychologist recently told me people who've suffered trauma or lost a loved one have an even stronger desire to find meaning in life because they need to find a reason to go on while in the midst of intense grief. I'd never really thought about it before, but it makes total sense. Dad dying was one of the most pivotal times in my life and certainly the most pivotal up to that point. Ever since he died I've always seen everything in my life as either before dad died (when everything was good) or after dad died (when everything went to shit, for lack of a better word). Whether its a complete coincidence or not everything bad seemed to happen after he died and I can't help relating everything back to that point in my life.
For a long time after dad died I decided that my purpose in life was to be someone elses punching bag. I endured abuse, a controlling relationship and continuous emotional abuse because I took on the role of the victim. I had horrible self esteem as a result of only really being told negative things most of my life, so when people continued to treat me that way I accepted it. I found meaning in life by deciding there was no meaning to my life. I had a core belief though that if I was the one taking all the crap from everyone that at least I was stopping someone else from enduring it. In a twisted way I thought I was helping others by putting up with being treated badly. It stemmed from feeling that I was indeed worthless.
I look back on those years now and I feel so sorry for that girl. Part of me wants to shake her and knock some sense into her and part of me wants to hug her and tell her she is worth it. I can't believe I spent so many years that way. I wasn't really living, more drifting through the in and outs of day to day life.
Thankfully though I woke up. I spent years suffering in silence desperately hoping someone would save me from my daily hell. Of course it never happened. In the end that didn't matter though because I decided if anything was ever going to change I needed to be the one to save myself. I didn't have anyone to stand up for me so I had to stand up for myself. So I did.
I no longer feel like the meaning of my life is to take shit from everyone else. I no longer feel like there is no meaning to life. I honestly still don't know exactly what the meaning of life is, or if there is one big overriding meaning, but it doesn't matter. For now my desire in life is to make sure I leave a footprint on this world. I need to feel like this was all worth it. I need to know that I went through all the crap for a reason. It has to mean something, anything. So I'm trying to use my story to help others, to let them know that there's more out there for them. That you can change direction no matter how hopeless your situation may feel. This blog is one of the biggest ways I'm making sure to leave my footprint. There's so many cases where a digital footprint can be seen as a bad thing, but this, this is a very good thing.
{Find similar prints here}
Even if the only footprints I leave behind once I'm gone are this blog and my family then that's enough meaning for me.
Toni x
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