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Sunday, August 18, 2013

Overcoming obstacles - pre birth

I know I've been MIA for a while now as I've just found it impossible to blog with a newborn, especially one that has colic and is constantly unsettled. However, I've decided that its about time I tried to conquer my birth story because I am still having dreams about it and I think maybe getting it out of my head might help me to process it all.

Below is a post that I wrote before I gave birth (at about 38 weeks?), but never ended up publishing as I went into labour before I got around to it. I've decided to publish it now as it gives an idea of where my head was at prior to birth. Reading it now and knowing what actually happened makes me really sad, but its all part of the process. I will follow with the actual birth story later.



I am hoping for a natural birth. I don't have a birth plan at all except to try to have as limited intervention as possible. I want to be able to give birth naturally because I haven't been able to do anything else without intervention so it would be nice to be able to do this one thing myself. It would be nice to have one part of this process play out the way it should. I have had numerous obstacles thrown up at me throughout this pregnancy that could have prevented this, but so far we have been able to overcome all of them.

Low lying anterior placenta - most people have a posterior placenta (attaches to the back of your uterus) so yay me for being in the minority of having mine at the front and on top of this mine was low lying. Too low to my cervix which could have been a big problem. It would have meant a certain c-section if it didn't move. I had to wait until a scan at 30 weeks to determine if it would move or not. Thankfully the 30 week scan showed it has moved far enough away to enable a natural birth.

Gestational Diabetes - my original test at 28 weeks came back as waaay too high. Part of me expected this with pcos. but I didn't actually think I would have diabetes. Cue freak out about needles and testing for insulin and holy crap a huge baby! Gestational diabetes would have put me at higher risk and also more likely to need a c-section. However, the second test came back within normal range so I didn't have to go down that road.

Breech baby - she has always been head down at all appointments then at the 30 week ultrasound she decided to move breech. You know just to give me a heart attack and another reason for maybe needing a c-section. This was at the ultrasound where I was also finding out if my placenta had moved, so I was already kind of stressed. I ended up having a vasovagal episode because of the stress. So at the one point in time I found out one problem was overcome, but another one had now come up.

This pregnancy has been a constant rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. Thankfully at 32 weeks the midwives assured me she had switched back to ceph (head down) and hasn't moved since. In fact shes been engaged since about 35 weeks so hopefully we are all good now. She certainly has been testing my limits before shes even come into the world.


Toni xx
Friday, August 9, 2013

Thanks for messing with my hormones Offspring

Image source

Unless you have been living under a rock somewhere, if you're in Australia and you watch tv you will have heard of Offspring. Right? It's only my favourite show ever (mainly because I relate a little too well to Nina's inner monologue of anxiety and self doubt - although I'm not as socially awkward thankgod). Anyway, if you had never heard of it before you should have in the last few days as it has caused a huge shitstorm on the news, internet and social media since they decided to kill off Nina's love interest Patrick.

I think the reason why it took so many by surprise is because they seemed to be setting Billie up to be killed off the last few weeks. I mean you know shes lost her job, having an emotional breakdown, having marital problems and her husband is about to go off on a tour over in Europe so like many other people I assumed that would be the easy way to write out a character. Of course they obviously wanted us to think this so that no-one would be prepared for one of the main characters to die unexpectedly. Exceptionally good writing on the shows part, but really bad for ones emotions! Especially if you're hormones are still all over the shop from having a baby not too long ago like me. Cue sobbing like a baby (even before he actually died).

The thing that made it so much worse for many people was that Nina is about to give birth to their baby. Add the fact that shes never been lucky in love and we all thought this was finally her happy ending and you have the recipe for a complete emotional disaster.

For me this episode was particularly hard. Ever since dad died when I was younger and I watched mum have to all of a sudden raise us as a single parent and a widow I have been inherently scared of that happening to me. I grew up with it so the fear that the cycle will repeat itself is engrained in my mind. This fear was heightened when I was pregnant. I was constantly worried that something would happen to T and I would be by myself having to deal with my emotional heartache and look after our children. I eventually pushed my fears aside as much as possible because I was just worrying about something that wasn't even reality instead of enjoying what was. Since I've had the baby I hadn't even thought about this fear at all. I think because I have been so exhausted, busy and pre-occupied with taking care of a tiny human everything else has taken a backseat (including this blog - sorry!). Also T has been home with me since the birth so there really hasn't been many times we've been separated where my fears could creep back. Yea until I watched that episode of Offspring!

It made me confront my biggest fear, stare it in the face and try to comprehend it - all while dealing with rapidly depleting hormones which already cause random breakdowns as it is. Thanks for that. Thankfully I wasn't holding the baby at that point or she would've picked up on my distress. I'm already paranoid that something is going to happen to my baby and now this has just added another layer to that paranoia. Seriously I don't know how I sleep at all (oh wait I forgot I pretty much don't now anyway).

After a few days to digest the episode I feel much more ok with it. More-so because I found out the reason for it is that Matt Le Nevez (who plays Patrick) wanted to leave the show. It makes you realise it is only a tv show and hes not really dead, but there is still part of me that mourns his loss alongside of Nina. I really want to go up to her and hug her and cry with her and try my best to comfort her. Yes I know its not real, but it still feels real to me.

I'm a little scared to watch next weeks episode, but I think we all need to for closure. At least this time I will be a little more prepared for the emotional breakdown before it happens.

Have you ever mourned a tv characters death? Are you as upset about this as me?

Toni xx

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Finally shes arrived

So you have probably guessed from my lack of posts over the last week that something may have happened on the baby front. 

Bubba finally made her appearance last Thursday at 11:32am. She weighed in at a healthy 8lb 9oz (3885g). I seriously have no idea how i managed to fit her in my belly. Birth was nothing like what I expected, in fact it was the total opposite. I would even go as far as to say it was the worst case scenario, but its over now. I will write about the birth once I get over the trauma and am at a point where I can re-live it. Right now I cant bring myself to go there again just yet.

Its true what they say about how you forget all the bad parts of pregnancy as soon as the baby is out. I have already forgotten what it feels like to be pregnant and its only been a week. That may be our bodies way of making us want to do it again or it could be a combination of the lack of sleep, copious amount of drugs I've had in my system and general chaos a newborn brings. Either way its quite odd. I cant remember what life was like before her.

It seems normal for us to be 3 now. T is such an awesome dad like I knew he would be. In fact hes even better than I imagined. I'm so lucky to have such an awesome little family.

Promise I will do more posts soon once we get into the swing of things a bit better. Right now I cant stop staring in awe at my baby.

Toni xx