Life is a rollercoaster

One of the first things people say to me when they find out I'm having trouble conceiving is you just need to stop thinking about it then it'll work. I'm not even going to get into the logic behind that comment, because medical conditions generally don't have a habit of just disappearing by themselves if you stop thinking about them, but I know they kind of mean it from a good place. However, not thinking about trying to conceive is not as easy to do as people may think.

You see I try to stop thinking about it. I try really, really hard. There are even some days where its not consciously on my radar, but its always there in my subconscious. It becomes quite hard to not think about something when your whole life revolves around it.

Now I can hear people chomping at the bit to chime in with "but its not your whole life, there are so many other things in your life. You already have a daughter you should be thinking about her not a baby you don't have".... and various other well meant, but severely ill thought out responses, {yes this is my life, seriously}. They're all right to an extent. There are many other things in my life and my daughter does pretty much consume my whole day {all day, every day}, but that doesn't stop my mind wandering.

The reason I can't stop thinking about it is because days, weeks and months are no longer just arbitrary calendar days to me, they're now days before or after ovulation, weeks of a cycle and months since we started trying to have another baby. Every single day is a reminder of our struggle to conceive because we now live life cycle to cycle.

So while others may look at the calendar and see today as the 29th of May, I see it as day 4 of my cycle. This is week 1, otherwise known as depression week, a reminder that the last cycle didn't work. During week 1 I'm usually an emotional wreck for the first two days. I allow myself a day or two to wallow in the unhappiness of being unsuccessful again, then I need to start taking more medication and switch my focus to this new cycle. The rest of this week and next are filled with daily medication and specialist appointments. Even if I wanted to forget about it, I have physical reminders each day. 

After I finish my medication for the month I then enter the two week wait, where I wait {completely not patiently} to see if this month will finally be our lucky month. Ironically while the two week wait is devoid of pill taking, pathology tests and specialist appointments, its during those two weeks that I think about my maybe baby the most. Because these two weeks are full of renewed hope.

Experiencing infertility is like being on a rollercoaster that never ends, the peaks and troughs just keep coming, over and over again. During week 3 and 4 I'm climbing ever so slowly up to the peak and as much as I want to get excited that someone will come and rescue me off this godforsaken fearful, yet adrenaline filled ride; in reality I'm bracing myself for the inevitable huge drop that is to come. And then it comes, and around and around I go on this continuous ride. 

Did I ever mention I'm shit scared of rollercoasters? Yet I've been on this one for over a year now.

One day I will get to week 4 and instead of facing the huge emotional fall at the end, I will get off this rollercoaster ride and it will all be over. Only then will I be able to not think about it.

Please don't ever tell anyone experiencing fertility issues that they just need to stop thinking about it and it will work. Because we can't.

Toni x

Linking with Grace

*Image used with permission from Cate