I'm falling to pieces on the inside

Please don't worry about me I'm ok, I just needed to get this all out of my head, because I'm sick of all the noise my thoughts are creating when I try to sleep at night. And maybe by releasing my thoughts into the world I may allow someone else who's going through the same experience feel less alone.

I don't want to be here.

It's different, but its the same.

I put off this journey for so long because I knew I would end up here. In this desperate place where I feel like I'm drowning in a black hole devoid of all hope. I hate it. I just want something to go right for me for once. I'm sick of everything being such a battle. I'm sick of fighting with every fibre of my being for something that should come naturally. It shouldn't be this hard. It isn't fair.

I feel like I'm on an express train zooming towards a destination that I'll never reach. And I can't get off, because once you start this journey you have to keep going because stopping means giving up and I refuse to do that. I'm going a million miles an hour and yet time is standing still. My mind is being pulled in a million different directions yet nothing is moving. Its all so stationary. Same shit, different day. Everyone else gets to move on with their lives and here we are stuck in this bubble. The problem with bubbles is you can see through them, you can see the outside world. You can see everyone else achieving their dreams and yet here we are stuck unable to achieve ours.

I'm slipping into the darkness. Infertility is slowly sucking me into the vortex of despair and sucking the joy out of me. It has a way of doing that, regardless of how prepared or strong you think you are. On the surface I am fine, and in many ways I truly am fine. But at night when I'm alone with my thoughts, the darkness creeps in. I can't help but dislike myself. How can I love myself when I'm the one stopping myself from getting what I want? Its my own body that's stopping me. I feel so disconnected from myself right now.

I feel trapped in this useless shell of a body. An imperfect vessel that just won't do what I want it to no matter how hard I try. The problem is most of this battle is internal. Its literally being fought within my own body. On the surface there's nothing wrong, but on the inside everything is broken. And I don't know why. I don't know what I did to deserve this fate a second time round. There has to be a reason. Because simply being unlucky doesn't console me at night when I'm crying for the life I had planned. The one filled with children. The one where I was able to do what others can.

Yes, I'm one of the lucky ones who did have a baby. We have a beautiful little girl and I feel incredibly blessed that we have her. But I'm also one of the unlucky ones who can't seem to have another. I'm in a weird desolate limbo. I hate that infertility makes me feel this way. I hate that I feel stuck when every other aspect of my life is the same and I should be happily going about my days as before. Instead I'm longing for all the things I don't have rather than enjoying the things I do have.

But I keep on keeping on, because what else can I do. I can't give in to my desire to hide in my bedroom for days and shut out the rest of the world. I just can't {no matter how much I want to}. Because there's a beautiful little girl who needs her mum. She needs me to remain strong and be the mum I've always been. She still needs my love and attention, and she doesn't deserve to miss out on these things because I'm fighting an invisible battle she's unaware of. To her everything is the same as usual. So I put a smile on my face and get on with things. I put one foot in front of the other and keep going even though I'm falling to pieces on the inside.

Toni x

Linking with Kirsty, Alicia & Eva