Does infertility ever go away?

The topic of when to have another baby has been on and off the table a lot in this household over the last few months. We have no doubt we want more children. In fact I already have it strongly engrained in my mind that I want 3 children. But there are fears holding me back.

If T had his way I would've been pregnant immediately after having bub. Of course having sex, let alone making an actual baby, was the last thing on my mind having just been literally ripped apart {ok cut apart}. My body also apparently doesn't do pregnancy well so I wasn't in any hurry to jump back on that bandwagon. 

However, now that bub's approaching 2yrs old the discussions around having another baby are starting to become more serious. T is reminding me every chance he gets. Friends and family have also started asking about when another baby will be coming along. It seems once the first baby gets close to 2 everyone decides you need another, whether you've decided you do or not.

And then there's a handful of my friends who've just had the most gorgeous little babies. Teeny little squishy babies who just have to glance at me and my ovaries explode.

Truth is I don't need any encouragement to have another baby.

My heart is screaming at me to create another little person.

I long to see a little heartbeat flickering up on the ultrasound screen. To feel little legs and arms kicking and poking around inside me. To be able to rest my hand against my belly and know there's a little life in there just waiting to come out.

I want squishy newborn hugs. I want to sniff a newborn head and inhale that oh so perfect scent that only newborns have. I want it all. To be honest I wanted it a long time ago too, but I'm scared.

I'm so scared.

Having battled with infertility for years before finally falling pregnant with my daughter after 4 yrs of trying, I'm all too aware of the relentless roller-coaster of emotions infertility can bring. I'm scared to get back on that roller-coaster. Because I know once you're on it, its hard to get off.

I don't want to feel like I'm not in control of my body. I don't want to go back to despising my body for not doing what I want it to do. I don't want to go back to feeling like I'm less of a woman than everyone else. I don't want to go back to the black hole I was in when I was trying to have bub. I really don't.

Of course just because I don't want to go back on it won't stop me from having another baby. I know lots of other ladies who've faced infertility and overcome it and gone on to have subsequent babies without needing fertility treatment. I know it can happen. 

I just need to believe it'll happen to me.

I have to believe it can happen. I just have to.

Toni x