Dear dad

Those of you who have been following my blog already know that my dad died when I was only ten. If you didn't know and want to read the story you can find it here. After dad died my brother and I kind of made it a habit to write letters to him. We have always thought if we wrote down what we wanted to tell him then even though he wasn't here any more, somehow the message would get to him. My brother used to write letters and then burn them and I used to write letters to him in my diary and later on my website. It was a nice way to feel like we could still communicate with him and maintain a connection.

Today marks the 18th anniversary of his death so I thought it would be appropriate to again write a letter to him.

*****

Dear Dad,

I miss you so much. I feel bad that I haven't written for so long, but I think about you everyday. Even more-so now that I am older and on the verge of becoming a parent myself.

I wish that you could see how happy I am right now. I wish that you got to meet T and see how good he treats me. Maybe you can see it from up there? I still strongly believe that you had a hand in sending him to me. I think its more than a coincidence that he has your name as his middle name, shares your birthday and drove the same car as you. I really hope it was your way of sending me signs that he was right for me. He makes me happy Dad, happier than I have ever been. I never thought I would ever be this happy. All of the other stuff I've been through has been worth it in order to get to this place. I cant believe how lucky I am. He takes care of me so you don't have to worry. I am going to be ok. I often wonder if you were here whether you would have tried to run him off with a riffle in order to protect me or whether you would have got along. I think you would have got along.

I really wish you were here to see me pregnant. It finally happened. After years of being depressed about my infertility I am finally here. Some days I am still in disbelief. I still catch my reflection in shop windows when I'm walking and don't believe that I am the pregnant woman staring back at me. Its so surreal. I cant believe in a few weeks I will have a baby.

I wish you were here to meet your granddaughter. I am a little sad that she wont have a real granddad, but its ok she wont know any different so it probably wont affect her. I never really knew any different as a teenager without a father, I just learnt to adapt. She will have lots of people who love her so I'm sure she will be just fine. It would have been nice to see you two interact together though. I loved my relationship with Pa and I wish she could have something like that too. At least she will have a father to look after her. I am a tiny bit jealous that she will have such a loving father in her life when I didn't get to experience that for myself. I am so glad that I have been able to create that for her as it has been my life long dream. I am not angry at you for leaving, I understand your reasons at the time. I hope you are at peace now. I just wish you never had to leave us to find that peace.

I haven't seen you in my dreams for a long time now. I really wish you would come back and visit me. It feels very real when we have conversations in my dreams. If you are able to could you please visit me again. I have lots of questions I want to ask you. I like to think that you are still able to check in on me every now and then to see how I'm going, and that you look over me somehow. It gives me great comfort believing this.

I really miss you and as always I wish you were here. I cant believe its already been 18 years. Know that I will never forget you or stop loving you even though you've already been gone from my life longer than you were in it. In a way you have shaped everything about the life I lead and the person I am today. I hope you are proud of the woman I have become.

Love you.

Toni x

*****

RIP - M.A.S.

09.07.55 - 05.06.95