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Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mum to be

Mothers Day in the past was always a particularly sad day for me. It was a reminder that I wasn't yet a mother and that I might never become one. Everyone else was always out celebrating and posting photos of themselves with their babies and it was a big reminder that I wasn't a part of that club and there wasn't anything that I could do about it. It was always filled with mixed emotions, I was happy for everyone else, but a tiny part of me was jealous. I didn't resent my friends for what they had, I just desperately wished that I could have it too.

This year it has been different. I am somewhat in limbo. While I am not technically a mum yet, it is definitely a work in progress. This year the reminder is different too, it is a reminder that very soon I will be a part of that club. It is not in the form of other people's photos in my news feed, but a very big round reminder front and centre that I get to carry around with me everyday. It is real, and she is nearly here. It is the best feeling to know that something I longed for and dreamed about for so long is actually happening.

To be honest I have felt like a mother since I found out I was pregnant. I already had the protective feeling as soon as I knew that there was a tiny life growing inside of me. More-so since I saw her at the 12 week ultrasound (even though I didn't know she was a she then). It grows stronger and stronger each week and as her kicks get stronger my love for her grows more and more as well. I am nurturing her from the inside and I cant wait to care for her once she is here. I am excited for her future and I worry about being able to protect her from life as well. I wonder what her hopes and dreams will be. I hope that she loves me as much as I already love her. It is already an emotional roller-coaster and she is not even here yet. I may not be a mother to the rest of the world, but in my heart I already am.

So, this year Mothers Day has been very different for me. It has not been sad, but instead exciting and full of anticipation. I still remember the hurt from previous years, but this year for the first time it has been replaced with happiness. While technically today is not my first official mothers day, I did receive the best present of all - being able to carry my baby around with me and feel her move inside me. That is priceless.

Happy Mothers Day to all the mums out there - including the foster mums, adoptive mums, step mums, mums to be and those who have beautiful angel babies watching over them. To me this day is not about material things, but remembering the most important thing - the incredible bond between you and your baby (no matter how it came about). To those who are still desperately waiting to become mothers, don't give up hope, one day all the hurt will be worth it I promise.

Toni xx

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