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Saturday, August 18, 2012

The elephant that hides in the room

When I ended my marriage it was hard. Not hard to leave the marriage, but hard emotionally knowing that going forward I would always have a problem to deal with. A problem that most likely would not go away and would affect any future relationship. Well my entire life going forward to be honest. It’s the elephant in the room that I have to carry around with me for the rest of my life, or until it kindly decides to piss off and leave me alone - which I’m hoping it chooses to do. Usually it sits contently in the back of my mind without making a sound, but occasionally it gets restless and determined to be heard. One day I hope it will run away and join the circus where it belongs. The elephant is my infertility.
In a way I’m glad and also resentful that I have fertility problems. Sounds weird right?  Allow me to explain, I’m glad because it meant that I never fell pregnant during my marriage. Whilst I would have loved my child or children unconditionally, I would have felt sorry for them having my ex as their father. I’m glad that we don’t have a child linking us together; I am free to go off and live my life completely separate from him. A child would have tied me to him forever. Again, I would've loved that child dearly, but I’m immensely happy that any children I may have in the future will have a loving father, not an a-hole as their dad.
I’m also resentful for the infertility because it means that I can’t just decide I want to have a baby and go ahead and get pregnant. I’ve mentioned before about my incessant need to plan, so the fact that I can’t control this really annoys the crap out of me. I was born to be a mother. My heart aches so much that I can’t experience it for myself. Thankfully I have my two beautiful nieces so I get to live vicariously through them as an aunty and I love being an aunty. In fact I would go as far as to say I’m a pretty dam awesome aunty. My brother might disagree, but in the eyes of a two year old girl I’m pretty sure I’m cool.
The elephant in the room has reared its ugly head of late. I think it’s because I’m at the age now where all my friends are having babies.  Three friends have all had babies in the last month and my close friend is also pregnant. There are babies all around me and yet none are mine. I hate that infertility makes me think I’m missing out. I’m still so happy for them all, but there is a tiny part of me deep down inside my heart that is sad.
I think the elephant has also appeared again because I've found T and he is so dam awesome. Somehow I managed to find a man who wanted children as much as me, but is just as happy if it remains the two of us. I never thought I would get this lucky. How did I possibly find the perfect guy who understands my issues and still loves me anyway? That was my biggest fear when I was by myself. Now I’m scared. What if we can’t have kids? It would be so cruel; to finally find the one who I know is perfect for me and not be able to make the most beautiful gorgeous babies together. I almost feel guilty in advance, like I’m pre-empting that I’m going to shatter his dreams. I’m over thinking I know. I can already hear him telling me off for worrying about this; in fact I know that’s exactly what he will do when he reads this. Its making me second guess writing this, but I need to get it out of my head. I feel a brain dump is in order and if I get it out onto paper (or the computer screen in this case) then maybe it will make sense. My feelings will suddenly become logical and I will be able to analyse them without going around and around in circles. Maybe I need therapy? Maybe I need to sleep. More than likely I need to not write about these things when I’m over tired.
So anyway, that’s my elephant in the room. It’s a part of me and I accept that. It doesn't mean that I won’t challenge it and I certainly intend on beating it. It annoys me that it keeps coming up at random times even when it’s not an issue in my immediate life at the moment. I didn’t choose it, I don't like it and I can’t control it. I just need to get it out of my head right now.
Thanks for letting me vent. I already feel better.
Toni x

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  1. xoxox Lots of love and Hugs Toni!!! You will be an awesome mum xoxox

  2. Ah we battled secondary infertility and it's a struggle of emotions! I totally understand where you are coming from!