I had been so defeated after years of being knocked down by
continuous verbal and emotional abuse that I felt I had completely lost myself.
My confidence was totally shattered. After being told how bad you are at
everything every day no matter what you do you tend to give up. I stopped doing
anything that I loved (mainly because I wasn’t allowed to anyway) and just
started doing everything that he wanted to do simply to avoid the arguments. In
the process I lost my friends, my dreams, my career, my passions in life and
finally I thought I had lost myself entirely. I still felt like, or at least
hoped, I was me somewhere deep down but essentially I was just living a
completely meaningless life inside my shell of a body going through the motions
everyday trying to avoid being yelled at. I had given up on everything because
what was the point? That was my life and I couldn’t see any way out of it.
I am so excited that once I left and as my confidence slowly
started to come back I started to realise that I was still me on the inside and
now I could show it on the outside too. The young girl full of hopes and dreams
who was once determined to take on the world and succeed was still there! Each
time I did something new (or that I hadn't done in years because I wasn't allowed
to) I felt like I unlocked another piece of my heart and I was finding myself a
little more.
I also felt as though I had lost 7 years of my life. On the
inside I was still the same girl I was when I was 19. Its like time had stood
still and my soul just pretended the last 7 years didn’t exist. I felt like I
was young again! Hence my blog is called finding myself young because thats exactly what Im doing. Its better than
any age defying cream for sale thats for sure! I went from feeling like I was
50 because I was so emotionally beaten down to feeling like a teenager and I
still feel like a teenager a year and a half on. Maybe just a little more worn
on the outside.
At first I was a bit worried. I felt like I had lived my
life backwards compared to everyone else. I had got married when I was young
and was now single and getting divorced before I was 30, meanwhile my friends
were all single in their early 20’s and are now getting married and having
babies. I felt completely out of sync with everyone else and I struggled with
that for a while. Im over it now though because there is no point comparing
yourself to other people. Everyone is at a different stage of their life and
everyone values different things so who is to say that its wrong to be where Im
at? I am still rediscovering myself and I am absolutely loving my journey
(despite originally being afraid of change I am now embracing it!).
You have no idea how invigorating it is to rediscover your
passions and start doing the things you love on a regular basis. Especially
when someone has stopped you from doing it for years. I urge you all to look
inside yourselves and rediscover what it is you really want in life because the rewards really are amazing.
Toni x
Love is not a license to tell someone else how to live. So often parents and spouses think it is, and try to control every move their loved ones make, instead of letting them be free to discover themselves and their own world.
ReplyDeleteTrue. It's very sad. I think I partially allowed myself to get into the situation because I didn't have a father figure growing up so internally I probably craved being told what to do in a way. At least at the beginning. Then (thank god) I realised it wasn't normal.
DeleteI really enjoyed reading this post, it reminded me of my past. I totally agree with Nothing Profound's response here as nobody has the right regardless to how much they claim to love you, to make you live how they want you to live. Very well written post.
ReplyDelete