Monday, August 7, 2017

Goodbye fourth trimester

Everyone's been telling me for weeks to enjoy the newborn stage. Soak up every second of it and be in the moment because it goes past so quickly. I know everyone means well, however I dare say my well meaning friends and family have never had a newborn who was tongue tied and allergic to multiple foods.

You see the last 3 months didn't fly by in the blink of an eye, they dragged on and on and on in an endless sleep deprived groundhog day cycle of mind-numbing repetitiveness. And it wasn't repetitive lazy naps on the couch, or long moments spent lovingly staring into my beautiful new baby's eyes wondering how I ever created something so wonderful, although I admit there were a few fleeting moments of this {thankgod or I probably would've fallen head first into postnatal depression again}. No, our fourth trimester felt like 4329 days of continuous screaming, streams and streams of tears {hers and mine} and me wondering repeatedly why did I do this to myself? 

Maybe my infertility was the universe's way of telling me I should've never had another child?

I hope my relationship will survive this baby...

I hope I'll survive this baby.

I've spent many nights desperately clinging to an invisible ledge hoping I wouldn't be swallowed up whole into a big gaping abyss of postnatal depression and anxiety. I honestly don't know how I didn't fall off that ledge and plummet into a canyon of darkness. I know this may sound overly dramatic to anyone else who has 2 kids and you're probably thinking I'm an overreacting nutcase at this point in time, but let me assure you having a baby who seems to be allergic to the world is definitely no walk in the park. and most definitely not what I was envisioning when I tried and tried for months to fall pregnant again.

Our fourth trimester has been hours and hours of non stop screaming. Weeks and weeks of little to no sleep. Not being able to put her down because she's either screaming or finally sleeping, in which case I dare not move her or she'll revert back to screaming. It certainly hasn't been a bed of roses and loved up happy hormones. In fact I kind of feel like I've been cheated out of the experience I should of had. Where are my happy hormones? I want the euphoric high everyone goes on and on about, although as a second time mum I know babies don't always do what the books say they will, and lucky me I got 2 babies who've completely broken the newborn mould. I guess allergy babies do that though.

I've had to give up basically all food that tastes remotely good so I can continue breastfeeding. I could've easily gone insane from not eating food. God how I long to be able to go to the fridge or the cupboard and be able to just pick something up and eat it, and actually enjoy it, instead of having to read through every single ingredient or resort to making meals completely from scratch. I feel like I have some kind of foreign eating disorder. The good thing is though the longer you do it, the more it becomes normal, so even though I'm avoiding 95% of foods I once ate, it doesn't feel as hard anymore.

I honestly feel like I was teetering on the edge of insanity quite a few times during the past few months, but somehow we've muddled through and here we are three and a bit months later.


Three months is such a glorious age. It's like something just clicks and all of a sudden these tiny defenseless babies turn into little teeny people with personalities and abilities of their own. They start learning at a rapid rate and interacting with the world. Suddenly she allows me to put her down to explore play mats and toys {not for too long though, we don't want to push the envelope too soon, but I try and stretch it out a little more each day}. She can grab and hold her hands, toys, books and her sister's hair, all of which are insanely delightful to her {her sister not so much}. She's learning so many new things each and every day.

I feel like I'm finally enjoying motherhood again. I absolutely adore watching her experiencing things for the first time. I love our little chats, even during the early hours of the morning. I love watching her facial features slowly change over time. I love seeing her grow {but hate it at the same time because it means my teeny baby is already growing up}. I'm really appreciating and loving having the privilege of caring for this tiny little person and helping her to grow into the woman she'll one day be.

Life is good. It's certainly not perfect, her allergies still exist and everything is still a bit up and down there, but life is still good.

Now we just have teething and the four month sleep regression to deal with.

That's the awesome thing about babies, as soon as you think you have them figured out, they go ahead and change things again.

Toni x

3 comments:

  1. So glad things are finally getting better for you now!!! She is such a cutie :)

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  2. I am so glad things have settled. I honestly swear the newborn stage was a blur here. I blinked and it was gone in a swirl of sleeplessness, rocking, crying, sleeplessness (did I already say that?) I know what you mean, watching them learn and grow is amazing but just stop growing. It is worth it in the end. We've also done teething and hit the sleep regression spot on 4 months. Your little girl is gorgeous, that smile. Hopefully you can indulge in some baby staring and enjoy those happy hormones now.

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  3. So true! As soon as you start to get it down, they go and change or something new develops. Glad things are finally calmer :-)

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