Monday, July 11, 2016

This is my life now

Daddy's just arrived home from a twelve hour shift, he walks in the door greeted by an overly excited bub, but before he's finished saying hello to her my alarm starts blaring from my phone. We look at each other from across the room, we know exactly what it means, so we start planning our secret escape. We make an excuse to go upstairs and try to scurry away hoping bub doesn't follow us. Thankfully she doesn't. She remains blissfully unaware caught up in the latest PJ Masks episode on the iPad {which she's watched 456 times now, but still isn't bored of}, so we sneak away for a few minutes. She doesn't even notice we're gone, she's too engrossed by Owlette and Cat Boy to care, but the whole time I feel like I'm neglecting her leaving her alone for five minutes. Then before we know it, it's all over and we're back downstairs, business as usual getting on with our night. This is our life now, every evening plays out exactly the same.

Fifteen months ago, when we began our journey trying for baby number 2, I never even contemplated that we would be where we are today. I wasn't completely naive, I knew there would be fertility treatment of some sort in our future before we managed to get pregnant again {despite holding onto the hope that by some miracle it might happen naturally this time around}. I knew there would be months of waiting. I knew there would be ups and downs, swinging from anticipation to disappointment. I knew there would be countless appointments, tests and ultrasounds. Infertility is not new to us, we know how it works. And of course all of these things happened, but unlike last time they haven't worked. We're still not pregnant.



Even though it took years to have bub, it was a relatively straight forward process in the end. Once T and I decided to go see a specialist we were unbelievably lucky and got pregnant with very limited intervention. I have no idea how, because given all the fertility issues we have it shouldn't have been that easy {I still find it ironic that I refer to months of trying + tests + medication as easy}. But nevertheless it was easy and it did work, we got pregnant and we had a baby. Because of this I've always believed in the back of my mind that it would happen again.

Clearly last time was a major fluke, or divine intervention, or fairies sprinkled their magical baby dust on us.... whatever it was it's not happening now. Instead of smiling on us the universe is giving us the proverbial finger behind our back and the fairies, well I can only assume they've moved into their new fairy house and forgotten we even exist. The reality is this time its going to be a lot harder and take a lot longer.

The rollercoaster has gotten a lot bumpier and scarier. The uncertainty is overwhelming and my anxiety is revelling in it. Yet we continue on this ride, because as usual getting off would be harder than holding on.

I never thought we'd get to the point where I'm being injected with needles each and every night like clockwork. Voluntarily laying down while a needle is stuck into my belly for ten seconds was never meant to become my reality. It wasn't even on my radar. I'm petrified of needles. I'm talking completely and utterly petrified. My hands go clammy, my heart rate goes nuts, I feel dizzy, I get pins and needles {oh the irony} and I sometimes even see spots because my body has such a huge meltdown. Talking about needles {and even writing this paragraph} is enough to make me feel woozy and start hyperventilating. I'm that scared of them

Yet each night at 7pm, while other people are probably having dinner, I'm lying down on my bed gritting my teeth, closing my eyes and willingly being injected. I honestly never thought we'd be doing this because I didn't think I had it in me to go through with it. More than a week into it and I still have no idea how I'm doing it, but I am. Surprisingly enough it's become quite routine. What sort of fucked up reality is this where storing needles in our fridge and being injected with hormones by my partner each night feels like a normal thing to do? Excuse my french, but seriously this is not what they teach you making a baby will be like in sex ed classes at school.

But this is what making a baby is like for us, whether we like it or not. So we accept it while secretly hoping each month will finally be our month and we can be done with all this.

Funnily enough I'm actually grateful that this journey is making me face my fears. Sometimes you don't realise how strong you really are until you face your fears and come out the other side.

If you're about to embark on this journey and are petrified too, know that you can do it. Somehow you will find the strength inside you to get through it. And hopefully we'll both come out of it with our precious miracle babies.

Toni x

14 comments:

  1. you are amazing. And so is he. I'm sprinkling fairy dust for you.

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  2. I admire your courage and determination and wish you all the very best as you continue on this journey. Take comfort in knowing that you are very strong!

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  3. I wish I could say something to help with your fear - but all I can say is that it's amazing what we have the capacity to deal with. The year my husband spent being told he was a T1D was full of needles and blood tests. It was hard for 3-6 months as things got adjusted, then just something that was for us.

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  4. Massive hugs. I have a complete needle phobia after a nurse broke one off in my arm. I had to have treatment recently that involved daily injections. I just couldn't do it and almost wanted to be knocked out cold with someone else doing it. I had a terrible reaction as well which did not help the anxiety.

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  5. We used to be very thankful for shows like Thomas the Tank Engine and the Wiggles ;-) ... Wishing you all the best x

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  6. Hopefully that fairy saved your address on her fairy GPS and will be dropping by soon xx Sending you all of my best x

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  7. Fingers and toes and everything crossed for you Toni - I hope you can get off this ride very soon x

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  8. You are strong enough and you will get through it. Hang in there x

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  9. you're incredibly awesome. I so hop this is over for you soon. I'm keeping everything crossed for you guys.

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  10. Sending you lots of baby dust. the rollercoaster is no fun at all so hoping that it ends for you soon. xoxo

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  11. Sending you lots of love. I'm so sorry that things are so much harder this time around for you xx

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  12. Your story is hard to read and that's just reading it..I am not living it as you are. I think you are doing incredibly well in the face of so many challenges...and thank goodness for iPad taking your little one's attention for some time! Thinking of you. D xx

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  13. I hope that fairy has just been on a long vacation and hurries back to your house soon. I know it's hard right now, but it's going to be totally worth it. Hugs for you xx

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  14. Toni I so hope it's not much longer to wait. I think you're being incredibly brave. Praying for a miracle for you . xx

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