Monday, June 6, 2016

You made a mistake

If you're new around here you may not already know that my dad committed suicide when I was little. I was 10 years old when he died and it was a huge shock and changed the course of my life forever. If you want to catch up on the story quickly read this post and if you want to know more you can read all my posts about him here when you have more time. 

Each year I used to write dad a letter after he died, whether it be on a piece of paper or on my old website. Although I don't necessarily believe in heaven, I did feel deep down inside that if I released my words and feelings out into the world somehow he would find them and be able to read them. I haven't written one for a while, but this year I need to get everything out of my head. Although part of me hopes he can't read it because he probably won't like what I have to say.


Dad,

For years I've had nothing but empathy and sympathy for what you did. I defended you against people who questioned your intentions or spoke badly about you. I reconciled myself with your decision. I told myself it had to be done. It was necessary for you to be happy. It was what you needed to do, and I accepted that.

But this year I don't sympathise with your decision, this year I have nothing but anger.

I'm grieving all of the moments that we missed out on experiencing together. I'm grieving that you weren't there to celebrate the good times in my life. I'm annoyed that I didn't get to share all of that with you. Even more than that though I'm annoyed that you're missing out on knowing your granddaughter and that she's missing out on knowing you. I'm annoyed that she won't have a loving grandparent relationship with you like I did with Pa. You'll never teach her to fish, you'll never teach her to play board games, she'll never have a sleepover at your house. You'll never comfort her when she's hurt. You'll never spoil her and give her all the things I say no to like other grandparents do. I'm so sad for her that she's missing out on that. You didn't only take moments away from me, you took them away from her too.

I don't think you realised just how permanent suicide was when you did it. Of course you did on the surface {because that was the whole point}, but I really don't think anyone can understand the concept of forever. Because nothing really truly is forever except death and nobody knows what death feels like, so how can you possibly fathom what forever is, until it's too late. Most people don't want to die. Most people don't want to leave their family. Most people don't want to miss out on all the good experiences in the future, but you did.

Perhaps the only gift this whole experience has given me is that no matter how depressed I am I would never ever do what you did, because I know what its like to be a child of suicide. I know what it's like to miss someone every single day for the rest of my life. I know what it's like to wish everything was different. I know what it's like to question whether my parents ever really loved me. I know what its like to imagine all the things we could've done together, but can't. Because of you I know what all of that feels like. I don't want my daughter to know what any of that feels like.

I know you only did it in order to end your pain and suffering, however I don't think you ended it, I think you merely transferred it onto your children and other people in your life. The pain that plagued you isn't gone, it's just manifested itself into a different form and it's continued causing your family hurt and anguish for 21 years after your death. I think perhaps if you knew that would happen you wouldn't have done it.

I don''t know what life would of been like for you if you never made that decision and I don't know what type of person you would have been today, but I do think you made a mistake, and I wish you never made it.

Toni x

40 comments:

  1. Oh Toni. I knew you'd had a tragedy but I'm not sure I knew (or remember) it was suicide. I have no words. Just a hug. x o x o

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  2. Oh Toni. It is such a difficult state of mind. I've had a friend commit suicide last year and the impact has been like a tidal wave. Very sad and hard to understand.

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    1. I don't think anyone who commits suicide really understands just how much devastation it leaves behind.

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  3. What a powerful and generous post. I hope writing it helped you (and others)

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    1. It certainly made me feel a bit better Lydia, I had a good cry while writing it. I hope sharing my stories will help others.

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  4. Such powerful words. Your Dad really did miss out by not being in yours and your daughter's life. Such a tragedy. I hoped it helped to get this out. I'm sure it will help others xo

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    1. Thanks Ness. He is definitely missing out.

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  5. Hoping this has helped. Thinking of you. xx

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  6. Letters are helpful aren't they? I know my dad wrote loads of letters to mum after her passing some 9 years ago. He used to tell her all sorts of things and it is/was a great connection. How you are grieving is how you are grieving. There is no timeline. Seeing your daughter in play and learning knowing you'd have loved to have your dad's kindly support and care is very hard. And in you, she has a very loving and wonderful parent. Love is all around. Denyse xx

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  7. So sorry for everything you have gone through and continue to go through x

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  8. I'm sorry for every thing you've missed out on Toni. I have no other words. xx

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  9. This is an incredible piece of writing. I'm so sorry for what has happened but I know that putting this out there will help others going through the same thing. Big hugs.

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  10. So raw and with feeling, Toni. I'm so sorry for your loss, Toni, and for everything that you and your family have missed out on. Sending love and hugs xx

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  11. Oh Toni, I am sorry you are going through this. Important though you do share, and well done, in the hope this saves someone from passing on their pain to anyone else.

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    1. I really wish I could talk to people who were contemplating suicide so I could give them some insight into how it feels for everyone else left behind. Hopefully they stumble across my posts and it does stop some people.

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  12. Oh my. Thank you for sharing this. I don't know if it helped, but I hope it did. It's angry but not vindictive. You're allowed to be hurt and angry. Hugs hugs hugs to you. x

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    1. It did help to get it out. I still feel slightly guilty about it, but I feel much better getting it all out of my head.

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  13. Oh gosh Toni, your Dad would be proud of you. If he knew what he was missing I suspect he'd agree that he made a huge mistake.

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    1. I hope so Claire. Also, your comment made me cry, but in a good way :)

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  14. Toni, I had found out that tears were already flowing from my eyes as I read your post. I'm not sure what to say and how to react. All I can say is that I felt your words deeply inside my heart that it caused me to weep. After pouring out your feelings, I hope you're feeling a little better now, Toni. Hugs.

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    1. I am feeling better, thankyou. Sorry I made you cry x

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  15. I think your anger is justified; it doesn't mean you aren't sad or empatheitic- it's part of grief and I do get it xx

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  16. Oh Toni, this broke my heart. You've articulated it so well though... on saying that the pain has been transferred to his family. Sending you virtual hugs. Xx

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    1. It's definitely transferred, I really wish the pain ended once and for all, but unfortunately I don't think it ever does in these situations. Thanks Shannon.

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  17. I understand your words. I am so sorry. x

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  18. Hello Toni, I am new here but realizing the pain you must be feeling. My Father was away for his job for so many years and I could feel his absence in every phase. You are right when you say the pain was transferred.He should know this. I hope his soul rest in peace.

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    1. I hope he does too Upasna. Thankyou for reading x

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  19. Big love to you. As someone who has battled anxiety and depression for years and reached that rock bottom point several times, it is my girls that stopped me doing anything. I realised exactly what you described. I would have ended my pain but given them a lifetime of pain instead. So I kept fighting but I know how hard that is so imagine your dad loved you - he just had not reached the clarity of thought that connects to the implications of suicide. I Hope writing to him helped. I may use this technique myself so thank you again xxxx

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    1. I think you're right I really think he had no idea what the implications would be x

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