Friday, May 27, 2016

Body vs Soul

Going through infertility makes me feel like I have a split personality. But its not that I have two personalities, there's no Jekyll and Hyde going on here, it's more that I feel like two different people trapped in the same miserable body. And most of the time we're completely out of sync with each other.


There's me, the real me, the one that lives in my mind. My soul, the real essence of who I am as a person. The one who feels all the feels, from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. The me who remembers the pain of the past, but still has hopes, dreams and desires for the future, despite the hardships I've faced.

Then there's the other me, the physical me. The broken me. The me who has all the same parts as other women, but doesn't do what she's supposed to be able to do. The me that makes me hate being me.

Each month there is a constant battle between both of us. At the beginning we start out as friends, allies even, on the same team travelling towards the same goal. Following the same dream and working in unison to make it happen. We think the same, we act the same, and with the help of medication we do everything at the right time and in the right order. Its exciting, and the anticipation is palpable.

However, throughout the month that shifts.

There's soon a clear difference between my dreams and my body's reality.

My body starts to betray me. To sabotage me at every turn. I swear its laughing behind my back at the anguish I'm experiencing inside.

Then some months, like this one, its goes even further and plays cruel twisted jokes on me. It gives me a glimmer of hope, letting me think that finally we may have reached our goal. That perhaps we are on the same team after all. Mocking me that everything I want can actually become a reality. 

And then just when I've succumb to the vulnerability of convincing myself its finally worked, it rips it all away. My world falls out from underneath me yet again, although this time it's much worse. It's worse because I truly believed I might've been at the end of this rollercoaster once and for all. I felt slightly "normal" for the first time in over a year. I allowed myself to be excited about a baby that didn't even exist. And now I have no choice but to remain attached to this body that continues to betray me. I'll even get a week full of physical and emotional pain for my troubles. And then we'll start the journey over again from square one, like we do every single month.

Sometimes I really wonder how the hell I'm ever going to achieve anything when it feels like my mind and my body aren't even on the same team...

But I have to pick myself up and carry on, because as much as I hate it, I have no other choice.

Toni x

18 comments:

  1. Must be so hard - close friends and family members have been struggling with this for years, either to try and have their first child, or a subsequent one. All I can say is you are not alone, there is nothing wrong with you (except for the fact your body's not doing what you would like it to) and so many others are with you on parallel journeys. Oh, and my best wishes − because maybe they'll come true?

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    1. Thanks Al. It's both comforting and unfortunate to know that there are so many others going through the same circumstances.

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  2. What a raw, beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your soul and your words with us.

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    1. You're welcome Kitty. It's very cathartic for me x

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  3. I'm so glad you can write about it. I hope that helps a bit. At the very least, you can take heart in knowing that you're sharing your story with so many people going through the same thing. You're probably helping them more than you realise. Good luck my dear, stay strong xx

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    1. I'm hopeful it helps others in some way, at least then something good is coming from all this heartache.

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  4. I hope writing your feelings helps ease them in some way, as I'm sure sharing them will help others in a similar situation. My heart goes out to you and I can't even begin to imagine how painful and difficult, not to mention frustrating this must be. hugs x

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    1. Thanks Sammie. It does help to write them out, it's an alternative to crying in the shower and scaring my neighbours haha.

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  5. Oh Toni, it breaks my heart reading this. I feel for you so much. It's so hard to go through - and yes you do feel like your body is letting you down or not doing what it's supposed to. I really hope you can find peace with yourself. xxx

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    1. You of all people would understand exactly how I feel. I should be grateful that I at least got to have one baby, but I can't help wanting another. Perhaps if it still hasn't worked in a few years I'll have to come to terms with only having one child although at this point I really don't know how I will do that.

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  6. So beautifully written Toni, I'm sorry you were disappointed yet again x

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    1. Thanks Janet. Don't worry I'm getting used to it. I just made the mistake of believing it had actually worked this month.

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  7. Oh my friend. I'm thinking of you and hoping so badly that you do get to the end of the rollercoaster x

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  8. Trying to sync your mind and body is one of the hardest challenges. Thinking of you, Toni x

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