Friday, April 29, 2016

Life is a rollercoaster


One of the first things people say to me when they find out I'm having trouble conceiving is you just need to stop thinking about it then it'll work. I'm not even going to get into the logic behind that comment, because medical conditions generally don't have a habit of just disappearing by themselves if you stop thinking about them, but I know they kind of mean it from a good place. However, not thinking about trying to conceive is not as easy to do as people may think.

You see I try to stop thinking about it. I try really, really hard. There are even some days where its not consciously on my radar, but its always there in my subconscious. It becomes quite hard to not think about something when your whole life revolves around it.

Now I can hear people chomping at the bit to chime in with "but its not your whole life, there are so many other things in your life. You already have a daughter you should be thinking about her not a baby you don't have".... and various other well meant, but severely ill thought out responses, {yes this is my life, seriously}. They're all right to an extent. There are many other things in my life and my daughter does pretty much consume my whole day {all day, every day}, but that doesn't stop my mind wandering.

The reason I can't stop thinking about it is because days, weeks and months are no longer just arbitrary calendar days to me, they're now days before or after ovulation, weeks of a cycle and months since we started trying to have another baby. Every single day is a reminder of our struggle to conceive because we now live life cycle to cycle.

So while others may look at the calendar and see today as the 29th of May, I see it as day 4 of my cycle. This is week 1, otherwise known as depression week, a reminder that the last cycle didn't work. During week 1 I'm usually an emotional wreck for the first two days. I allow myself a day or two to wallow in the unhappiness of being unsuccessful again, then I need to start taking more medication and switch my focus to this new cycle. The rest of this week and next are filled with daily medication and specialist appointments. Even if I wanted to forget about it, I have physical reminders each day. 

After I finish my medication for the month I then enter the two week wait, where I wait {completely not patiently} to see if this month will finally be our lucky month. Ironically while the two week wait is devoid of pill taking, pathology tests and specialist appointments, its during those two weeks that I think about my maybe baby the most. Because these two weeks are full of renewed hope.

Experiencing infertility is like being on a rollercoaster that never ends, the peaks and troughs just keep coming, over and over again. During week 3 and 4 I'm climbing ever so slowly up to the peak and as much as I want to get excited that someone will come and rescue me off this godforsaken fearful, yet adrenaline filled ride; in reality I'm bracing myself for the inevitable huge drop that is to come. And then it comes, and around and around I go on this continuous ride. 

Did I ever mention I'm shit scared of rollercoasters? Yet I've been on this one for over a year now.

One day I will get to week 4 and instead of facing the huge emotional fall at the end, I will get off this rollercoaster ride and it will all be over. Only then will I be able to not think about it.

Please don't ever tell anyone experiencing fertility issues that they just need to stop thinking about it and it will work. Because we can't.

Toni x

Linking with Grace

*Image used with permission from Cate

26 comments:

  1. Oh this is a hard one as I tried to get pregnant but couldn't. Sadly I wait to find a partner and gave up at 41 and went it alone. At 43 I was on the verge of IVF and got some results that showed my chances were minimal so pulled the plug. I struggled a lot at the time - the unfairness of those who COULD have kids, some people who really SHOULDN'T have kids etc... but think I'm more resolved now... 5yrs later.

    I hope things work out.

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    1. I so appreciate when you read my infertility related posts Deb, I know it must be hard to read and bring up old emotions.

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  2. Oh Toni, I'm really sorry that you are going through this. My best friend is also experiencing this at the moment and it's just heartbreaking. I have all my fingers and toes crossed for you!

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    1. Thanks Sarah. It is a rather shit situation {for those experiencing it and those who don't know how to support their friends}.

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  3. I hope you get to reach for that exciting high and then stay there because it all works out. I know there isn't much anyone can say to help. Just know I am hoping for you too.

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  4. Wishing you all the best, Toni. I'm sure many people mean well but don't realise the effect it can have.

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    1. I think that's the case Eva, I think it all comes from a good place, it just comes out wrong.

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  5. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave for you. I totally get how all consuming this must be for you. I hope things work out and that you get off that roller coaster very soon x

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  6. Hi Toni, thanks for sharing so openly about how infertility is. I know what you mean about people who say things to comfort you that are just plain stupid. One of my kids has a severe medical condition and I had to take him to hospital a few weeks ago. As I was leaving, a weepy mess, one of the nurses told me "don't worry, he'll be a lot better in a couple of days". I felt like taking a swing at him. But I've been that other person too and sometimes you just say something to show you care. All the best during these 2 weeks.

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    1. I'm sure everyone is trying to say something from a good place {at least I hope most of them are}, I just don't think they realise that it comes across as the opposite sometimes :)

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  7. People don't realise that it's actually harder to fall pregnant than not. We dealt with infertility and the thing is, even after your children are born, there's something that still leaves you scarred. It's not an easy journey and simply "getting on with it, not worry about it" is one of the most insensitive things people can say x

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    1. Yep, this has definitely scarred me for life. Even though I have one child I still feel insanely ripped off that I never had the ability to decide I wanted a baby and conceive one simply because I wanted one. I don't think that will ever leave me.

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  8. Beautiful Toni I have no words to comfort your scary rollercoaster ride. I'm always here is you just want to vent or bitch.

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  9. Yup that used to really p!$$ my sister off too xxx

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    1. I'm sure it did ;) Along with a million other things I get told too most likely.

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  10. It's the most common advice isn't it? As if our brains are that easy to control. I feel for you, going through this. It's so bloody hard.

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    1. Isn't it ironic that the people who have no idea what its like think the solution is so simple. Just don't think about it, just relax. Argh, infuriating. I wish I had a dollar every time I'm told them though because then I could afford the IVF haha.

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  11. It is all consuming. We didn't go down the IVF route but did step into a few appointments (we didn't like the practitioner so went a different way) but can completely understand the loss of days, the numbers game and the squinting at the stick willing a second line to appear and sometimes allowing your eyes to see something that isn't there.

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    1. I had an appointment with a different dr while my specialist was at a conference and I wasn't a fan either, I can totally see how the practitioner could put you off. Thankfully our specialist is amazing, if it wasn't for him I don't think I could've dealt with all this. Glad you got your two babies Karin, hopefully we'll get another without having to do IVF.

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  12. I love the honesty of your posts, I think unfortunately that sometimes people don't know what to say so end up saying stupid things, when they would be best just to listen and keep their mouth shut.

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    1. Yep I think that's the case most times. Then there are a few other people who like to think they know everything and want to hand out advice about things they know nothing about, but hopefully most people just don't realise what they're saying is insensitive.

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