Monday, November 23, 2015

I'm falling to pieces on the inside

Please don't worry about me I'm ok, I just needed to get this all out of my head, because I'm sick of all the noise my thoughts are creating when I try to sleep at night. And maybe by releasing my thoughts into the world I may allow someone else who's going through the same experience feel less alone.


I don't want to be here.

It's different, but its the same.

I put off this journey for so long because I knew I would end up here. In this desperate place where I feel like I'm drowning in a black hole devoid of all hope. I hate it. I just want something to go right for me for once. I'm sick of everything being such a battle. I'm sick of fighting with every fibre of my being for something that should come naturally. It shouldn't be this hard. It isn't fair.

I feel like I'm on an express train zooming towards a destination that I'll never reach. And I can't get off, because once you start this journey you have to keep going because stopping means giving up and I refuse to do that. I'm going a million miles an hour and yet time is standing still. My mind is being pulled in a million different directions yet nothing is moving. Its all so stationary. Same shit, different day. Everyone else gets to move on with their lives and here we are stuck in this bubble. The problem with bubbles is you can see through them, you can see the outside world. You can see everyone else achieving their dreams and yet here we are stuck unable to achieve ours.

I'm slipping into the darkness. Infertility is slowly sucking me into the vortex of despair and sucking the joy out of me. It has a way of doing that, regardless of how prepared or strong you think you are. On the surface I am fine, and in many ways I truly am fine. But at night when I'm alone with my thoughts, the darkness creeps in. I can't help but dislike myself. How can I love myself when I'm the one stopping myself from getting what I want? Its my own body that's stopping me. I feel so disconnected from myself right now.

I feel trapped in this useless shell of a body. An imperfect vessel that just won't do what I want it to no matter how hard I try. The problem is most of this battle is internal. Its literally being fought within my own body. On the surface there's nothing wrong, but on the inside everything is broken. And I don't know why. I don't know what I did to deserve this fate a second time round. There has to be a reason. Because simply being unlucky doesn't console me at night when I'm crying for the life I had planned. The one filled with children. The one where I was able to do what others can.

Yes, I'm one of the lucky ones who did have a baby. We have a beautiful little girl and I feel incredibly blessed that we have her. But I'm also one of the unlucky ones who can't seem to have another. I'm in a weird desolate limbo. I hate that infertility makes me feel this way. I hate that I feel stuck when every other aspect of my life is the same and I should be happily going about my days as before. Instead I'm longing for all the things I don't have rather than enjoying the things I do have.

But I keep on keeping on, because what else can I do. I can't give in to my desire to hide in my bedroom for days and shut out the rest of the world. I just can't {no matter how much I want to}. Because there's a beautiful little girl who needs her mum. She needs me to remain strong and be the mum I've always been. She still needs my love and attention, and she doesn't deserve to miss out on these things because I'm fighting an invisible battle she's unaware of. To her everything is the same as usual. So I put a smile on my face and get on with things. I put one foot in front of the other and keep going even though I'm falling to pieces on the inside.

Toni x

Linking with Kirsty, Alicia & Eva

38 comments:

  1. I know that bubble (albeit on a different topic). It's so frustrating. Sending hugs.

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  2. Night time is always the hardest as you actually allow yourself to stop and feel it. Big hugs chickie

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  3. I feel for you so much, as I've been through some infertility issues too - for many years, and thought I'd never have children. It's all-consuming! Fortunately, I found a wonderful naturopath who helped me in a way the doctors couldn't, and I now have two healthy children. The experience is different for everyone. I hope things improve for you soon. Take care Toni - be kind to yourself.

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    1. Thanks Lyndall. I'm glad you managed to find the answer that worked for you x

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  4. Hugs my friend. I wish you and so many others didn't have to travel this road. I echo Lyndall's comment above - be kind to yourself and know we are truly here for you if you need a laugh, a cry or just some understanding x

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  5. I want you to know that writing this post you've helped someone out. Although it's not for the same reasons, I'm currently struggling sleeping and find night times the most lonely. So much so, I started blogging because of it. In fact last night, I wrote a post at 3:30am to stop me from tossing and turning. You're doing so well and know that writing/sharing/blogging is a wonderfully cathartic way of dealing with things. xx

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    1. Thankyou! I definitely find writing very cathartic.

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  6. It sucks. Have you thought about seeing a psychologist, sounds like some counselling or support wouldn't go astray to help you not get stuck in the hole xxx

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    1. We're seeing a fertility specialist again soon which will perk me up again about it all. I probably should see a psychologist too, its just so hard with bub because I have no-one to watch her and taking her with me isn't really an option.

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  7. Thank you for putting these words out there. So we'll written so painful but honest. Life never turns out how we imagined. Xx

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    1. No it doesn't turn out the way we imagine it will, unfortunately. Thanks for reading Druime'.

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    2. Couldn't agree more. Massive hugs.

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  8. Be kind to yourself, and big hugs. xx

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  9. Sorry to hear you're facing these challenges Toni.

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    1. Thanks Eva. Heading to the fertility specialist soon so hopefully it all works out soon.

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  10. Sorry to hear this, Toni. Have faith that you're still young and they can work wonders these days. Don't lose faith. There is always hope. Hugs.

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    1. That's the one good thing, I'm still considered relatively "young" fertility wise :) Not sure I could handle going through IVF while looking after a toddler though, but hopefully we won't have to.

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  11. Beautifully written post. I don't like that your dream of falling pregnant isn't happening at the moment. I totally believe you need to have faith. But it's so hard to be positive. Hang in there Toni. Sending hugs your way. xx

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    1. Thanks Bec. I still deep down believe we will have more children. I'm just getting really frustrated that it isn't happening on my own terms when I want it to, if you get what I mean. It'd be nice to be able to make the decision to have a child and be able to do it. But we'll get there eventually.

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  12. I know the feeling exactly Toni... wanting to be happy with what you have but wanting so much more.
    Take care... xo

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    1. Yep its so hard because you feel guilty for not being completely happy.

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  13. Beautiful post and I can certainly relate. For me it's not just the no children and no partner thing (when I just assumed I'd have a family) but also the way I feel about myself and my body.

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    1. Its so hard when life doesn't turn out the way we expected it would x

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  14. I can relate at the moment. I have been falling apart on the inside a bit lately too, feeling like I am trying to climb up a slippery dip lined liberally with soap. For me it is about coping with the struggles that come with my little boys autism, and how it affects all of us. But I do know the infertility struggle. We tried for 2 years to have Boodi, and it seemed so unfair, it just made no sense to me that it wouldn't happen. I hope that you get there in the end, it felt like it would never happen for us x

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    1. My niece has autism so I can imagine what you are dealing with. Yea the really crappy part about it is that it feels like it'll never happen, but you have to keep chugging along anyway because there is no option. Glad you guys got your bub x

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  15. Beautiful post and certainly one that anyone who is or has experienced fertility can relate to (myself included). Sending strength.

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  16. Such a raw and honest post. Sending big hugs to you and hope things start falling into place for you soon xxx

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