Monday, October 12, 2015

If only I knew.... everything was about to change

There have been so many times in my life where I wish I knew what would happen. Looking back though I don't think it would've made me change my mind on any decisions, except maybe where my ex-husband was concerned. Most of the other things that I wish were different, and I would of loved a heads up about, I couldn't have changed anyway. But, knowledge still would've been a valuable thing to have, especially when it comes to my dad. There's lots of things I wish I knew when it comes to him.



If only I knew that you would leave me when I was 10... 

I would've tried a lot harder to sear all of our time together into my memory bank so it didn't fade over time, like it did, and continues to do. I wouldn't have taken any of our time for granted. And I definitely would of tried to change your mind and make you stay.

If only I knew the last time I would see your face... 

The last time I remember seeing your face was the morning you walked up to our car as we arrived at school and I asked mum who the strange man was walking over to our car. I didn't recognise you because you'd shaved off your beard. You'd had your beard my whole life and you looked so different without out. I almost feel guilty for not recognising you now {not that it makes much difference in the scheme of things}. I'm not even sure if that was the last time I saw your face, but its the strongest memory that remains.

Well, technically I know its not the last time I saw your face. Because the last time I saw your face was when we saw you lying in a coffin at the funeral home when we went for a viewing mum organised a day or so before your funeral. I remember you looked like you were sleeping so peacefully. Despite the peacefulness, I desperately wanted to wake you up. I asked if I could touch you and they said yes, I'll always remember how cold your face was. I didn't expect it at the time. It was a pretty obvious reminder that you weren't indeed sleeping, although I still tried to convince myself you were. If I'm honest I actually came up with the far fetched theory that you'd run away to Mexico and somehow they'd got someone else that looked like you to lay there and convince us you were gone. It wasn't until Pa picked me up and carried me out of the chapel as we were leaving that it really hit me that it was you and you were gone, and this definitely would be the last time I would see you. I still wish I had of fought to get down and go and see you one last time before we left the building. I wasn't ready to say goodbye, and then when I was you were already gone.

If only I knew how much I would miss you...

I would've tried to spend more time with you. I would've spent more time loving you, instead of resenting you {like I did for the last few months of your life}. I would've asked you all the questions.. so I knew the answers instead of having what ifs.

If only I knew who you were as a person...

I only knew you as my father, and only from the perspective of a young child. I never got to expand our relationship as I grew older like I did with mum. I never got to know you as a person. I never knew what you were like before I existed. I never knew much about your past, or even your family. I really wish I knew who you really were and I wish I could talk to you today, adult to adult. We could talk about so many more things than what we did when I was 10. You could answer so many questions I've had over the years.

If only I knew how different my life would be after you left...

I could've prepared myself for life after you left. I could've put more support in place around us so we didn't crumble as much as we did. Although to be honest I probably wouldn't have been able to do those things because a 10 year old doesn't really think that way, at least not until they have to.

If only I knew you would become the most influential person in my life...


I would've done so much more.


Toni x


Linking with Kirsty & Alicia.

24 comments:

  1. What a thought provoking post, I'm so sorry you lost your dad at such a young age. I struggled with this prompt. I just found the entire exercise of looking back a negative one and in the end couldn't go there.

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    1. Its somewhat negative, but I also find it a bit cathartic in a way.

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  2. This is beautiful and I wish you had more time..

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    1. The problem is you don't realise how precious time is until after its gone. I'm hoping not to make the same mistake with my own kids.

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  3. Oh Toni - feeling for you and really wishing you had've had the chance to know your Dad xxx

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  4. This is something I know my boys will feel as they grow. Their mum (my sister passed away) and they have very few memories of her. It takes a lot of energy to keep memories alive, as the waves of life wash over us. I feel for you and understand some of your despair. Go gently. Mel xx #ultimaterabbithole

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    1. How lovely that you are looking after them for her and filling some of the void she's left behind x

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  5. What a moving post Toni ... alas we never know when those "last times" happen :-(

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    1. Yep, hindsight is wonderful but sometimes its a bitch because it makes you realise all the things you missed out on. If only we were all psychics and could pre-empt these things.

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  6. Oh Toni. Thank you for sharing that. It reminds me to be a more engaged Mum. To enjoy the little things and slow down. You just never know what is around the corner. I hope my kids never lose one of us (their parents) too soon xx

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    1. Yea the silver lining is its made me a really engaged mum and I value all the time I have with her.

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  7. Such a beautiful post Toni. It's so hard losing loved ones and even harder when it's in a manner you aren't prepared for. There are always questions, always if onlys...

    *Hugs*

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    1. Yea I think the fact that it was so unexpected and the fact that he chose it gets me the most. I just wish he had of left a note so I had some small kind of closure.

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  8. Toni, I'm so sorry to read this. I've taken my parents for granted but I can understand why you would feel this way. xx

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    1. I did too before it happened. Although ever since I've been petrified of something happening to my mum. I'm pretty sure all my anxiety started after dad died.

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  9. So sad yet so important. One we should all read ..

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    1. Yea I try not to reflect on it that much because realistically I can't do anything about it, but I still find it a bit cathartic to go there every now and then.

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  10. Such a beautiful post Toni... I know how hard these posts are to write.
    Thanks for sharing.
    x

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  11. This is such a beautiful post Toni - even though it's sad. I'm so sorry you lost your Dad at such a young age. It's a very good reminder to never take those we love for granted! xoxo

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    1. Yes that's at the forefront of my mind every day :)

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