Monday, September 21, 2015

Infertility hurts


A handful of people know that we've been trying to have another baby. Others have probably guessed, but I've kept it pretty close to my chest. I was really hoping that this time around it would just happen. That somehow my first pregnancy would've flicked a switch in my body and it would just know what to do to get pregnant this time around. I was hoping, actually wishing, my infertility would've gone away and I wouldn't have to go through all this pain again. But here we are after trying for almost 6 months and we're no closer to being pregnant than we were when we started.

It was at this point when trying for bub that I pretty much had a breakdown and went to the fertility Dr to start treatment. I spent 3½ years prior to that trying to conceive with my ex-husband so I knew after 6 months of nothing happening that I didn't want to waste any more time. I didn't want the roller-coaster of emotions to go on any longer than it had to. This time though it's felt different, at least I thought it did. I thought I was coping.

The last few months I've felt much more relaxed than I did the first time around. Already having a child now I haven't been as desperate as I was before. I know its possible for me to get pregnant and I already have a gorgeous little girl who I get to hang out with every day. My life hasn't been hinging on pregnancy tests each month like it was the first time. There have still been pregnancy tests every now and then {thanks to my body being all over the place and giving me false hope}, but there haven't been as many. Because I know how heartbreaking it is watching that ink run across the test window, hoping and praying for a second line to appear. Those 3 minutes seem like a lifetime and then just like that they're over and that one single line is the most depressing thing you've ever seen. Its amazing how a bit of ink on a piece of paper can so vehemently crush you. Well not this time round. I've taken a few tests, but I've rarely allowed myself to get my hopes up. Only once did I actually think I might be pregnant, but I convinced myself I wasn't so the negative test wasn't as hard to swallow.

I thought I was handling it. I thought I was stronger than last time. I have a thicker skin afterall. I've been there, done that and most of all I know it can work. I know there can be success and I thought that knowledge would be enough to get me through. But its not. It's becoming so apparent that its not.

This week I burst into tears after seeing a pregnancy announcement. It wasn't because I'm not happy for them, I'm so so happy for them, it was just a {completely unexpected} knee jerk reaction. Reality smacked me over the head. For some reason that single moment made it glaringly obvious to me that no matter how much I want to get pregnant I can't just decide I want it to work and have it happen. Other people can decide they want a baby and have a baby, and I just can't. And I'm not ok with that. Suddenly, in a split second, all of the feelings came rushing back and the only way I can process that is by crying. The emotional floodgates have opened. I can feel it.

I'm back to feeling inadequate. I'm back to feeling like I'm not a real woman, because I know my body can't do what its meant to be able to do. And that hurts. It hurts so much. It hurts just as much as the first time. I thought it was different the second time around, but its exactly the same, I'd just built up much higher walls around my feelings, but right now they're crumbling all around me and I don't know what to do.


I don't want to be here again. I don't want to be on this roller-coaster. I don't want to feel helpless. I don't want to look at bub and just see time ticking away and realise that there might be a huge age gap between her and a sibling, or that she might end up being an only child. I don't want to be seeing the world this way again, but I don't want to get off this ride either. I don't give up and I won't. I can't. I have to hold onto the hope that we will still have another baby, even if it means more fertility treatment. I just wish I still had rose coloured glasses on and could pretend it wasn't hurting so much.

I know it has nothing to do with the pregnancy announcement either, that was simply a catalyst to something that would've happened eventually. Apparently you can push your feelings down as hard as possible, but eventually they find a way to bubble back up to the surface.

But, I know things are never as bad as they seem and there's always hope so I'll put a smile on my face and keep holding onto that {and cuddle all my friends adorable babies until we can have another one ourselves}.

Toni x

Linking with Kirsty, Alicia & Eva

34 comments:

  1. What a brave post! Wishing you all the luck in the world!

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  2. Massive hugs. I honestly don't know what to say. I know when we struggled with our first, I found all the well meaning thoughts and comments directed our way rather dismissive. Thinking of you. xx

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    1. Yea they can feel that way, which is kind of why I kept it all on the down low this time. Kind of ruined that with this post though.

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  3. I know that no words can ease the pain and anguish so I am just going to wish you all the very best Toni. xo

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  4. Big hugs for you. Nothing can change how you feel and always remember your honesty with these feeling make you stronger.

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    1. I don't feel very strong right now Natalie, but I get what you mean x

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  5. Thanks for your honesty Toni - you have no idea how many others will read this and be feeling all those same, very natural emotions. And they are natural - don't beat yourself up about feeling them. Like everyone else, I wish things were different and not so hard for you right now. I have nothing to say to make a difference or to make you feel better but i am thinking of you and here if need to vent or cry or just let things out x

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    1. Hopefully others will feel less alone because its an incredibly lonely journey. Thanks Kirsty.

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  6. Hey Toni if need be I'm happy to donate some of my eggs for u or surrogate like I've always said I would,but u must let me know as I'm booked for a full double hysterectomy in may!!!!

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    1. Its all good he doesn't want to have another baby if we can't do it ourselves {i,e, me carrying the baby}. We've still got a few options, they'll just take time and $$.

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  7. It is funny the way feelings hit you, suddenly, out of the blue. Sometimes a good cry helps for a bit. I am glad you put your feelings out there, it makes them feel normal. I can't even imagine the immensity of the feelings you are having but I do know what it is like to be on emotional roller coaster. I don't think there is really anything any of us can say to make it better but I will say, keep enjoying what you have and hoping for what you want.

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    1. I had to get them out of my head or I would keep crying. Its the quickest way I can process my feelings without stewing on them internally for weeks. I spent most of today playing with bub and laughing, so much laughter, and we had so much fun. It was good to remind myself of how lucky I am already.

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  8. Living with medical conditions or medical uncertainty is so all consuming. I know the feeling (on different topics). I think it's great that you acknowledge that you're not ok with it - and I don't think you ever have to be ok with something that is difficult.

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  9. Thinking of you Toni, and thanks for sharing such a heartfelt and honest post.
    #TeamMM

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  10. I watched my sister go through all of this, it's heart breaking xxx

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  11. This is really difficult and I am so sorry. I really hope that your body allows you to grow and bring another child into your life. You responses are normal and we can never know when they will strike. Go gently. Mel xx #IMustConfess

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    1. I hope so too. Even though I had heaps of complications when I was pregnant I still really enjoyed being able to carry my baby and I really want to have that experience again.

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  12. Big hugs x It's never good to keep feelings down. They come out twice as bad, like an exploding volcano x

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  13. I'm so sorry that you're going through a hard time. We tend to think we are ok, we are coping until there is something that reminds us of the tough times and that's when it all comes flooding back. Allow yourself to cry, to feel. You are human. Sending you all the best wishes in the world! Hugs! xx

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  14. Good on you for being brave enough to write this post. I hope it's been a great release for you. It's good to let it all out every now and then and not bottle it up. Sending positive vibes and baby dust your way.

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    1. It kind of just exploded out of me onto the computer screen :)

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  15. I really, really, really hope it happens for you, Toni. It would be so unfair if it didn't. Crossing everything for you. x

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  16. Sending huge hugs- this must have been difficult to write, very brave of you to share xx

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    1. Thanks Amy. It was one of those posts you write and then question whether to publish it or not, so I just hit publish real quick and then ran away from the computer screen lol.

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  17. Oh Toni - sending you so much love lady and I have everything crossed for you, I truly do xx

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