Monday, July 6, 2015

Does infertility ever go away?

The topic of when to have another baby has been on and off the table a lot in this household over the last few months. We have no doubt we want more children. In fact I already have it strongly engrained in my mind that I want 3 children. But there are fears holding me back.

If T had his way I would've been pregnant immediately after having bub. Of course having sex, let alone making an actual baby, was the last thing on my mind having just been literally ripped apart {ok cut apart}. My body also apparently doesn't do pregnancy well so I wasn't in any hurry to jump back on that bandwagon. 

However, now that bub's approaching 2yrs old the discussions around having another baby are starting to become more serious. T is reminding me every chance he gets. Friends and family have also started asking about when another baby will be coming along. It seems once the first baby gets close to 2 everyone decides you need another, whether you've decided you do or not.

And then there's a handful of my friends who've just had the most gorgeous little babies. Teeny little squishy babies who just have to glance at me and my ovaries explode.

Truth is I don't need any encouragement to have another baby.

My heart is screaming at me to create another little person.


I long to see a little heartbeat flickering up on the ultrasound screen. To feel little legs and arms kicking and poking around inside me. To be able to rest my hand against my belly and know there's a little life in there just waiting to come out.

I want squishy newborn hugs. I want to sniff a newborn head and inhale that oh so perfect scent that only newborns have. I want it all. To be honest I wanted it a long time ago too, but I'm scared.

I'm so scared.

Having battled with infertility for years before finally falling pregnant with my daughter after 4 yrs of trying, I'm all too aware of the relentless roller-coaster of emotions infertility can bring. I'm scared to get back on that roller-coaster. Because I know once you're on it, its hard to get off.


I don't want to feel like I'm not in control of my body. I don't want to go back to despising my body for not doing what I want it to do. I don't want to go back to feeling like I'm less of a woman than everyone else. I don't want to go back to the black hole I was in when I was trying to have bub. I really don't.

Of course just because I don't want to go back on it won't stop me from having another baby. I know lots of other ladies who've faced infertility and overcome it and gone on to have subsequent babies without needing fertility treatment. I know it can happen. 

I just need to believe it'll happen to me.

I have to believe it can happen. I just have to.


Toni x

19 comments:

  1. Don't let fear stop you Toni! The road you travelled last time is not necessarily the same road you will travel for the next. Since you know you want another child, I say just start trying with an open heart, faith & trust. It took me 7 years to get pregnant with my boys (and I had to have help for it to happen) and it took me a blink of an eye to get pregnant with my daughter. What is meant to be, will be! :-) xo

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    1. I won't let it stop me Min don't worry. Its just this niggling voice in the back of my head that's all.

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  2. I started to write this to say 'don't worry it will happen'....However we all know that sometimes doesn't happen though. So I instead I will say if you really want it, it is worth a shot. You can always pick a point that it is getting too hard to give it s rest or decide to put a 3rd child to bed altogether but sometimes chasing your dreams like a 3rd child is worth it and at least you know what you are getting yourselves in for this time xxx

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    1. Yep I think a baby is worth all the pain and sadness that could possibly come along the journey. Still have my fingers crossed I wont need treatment again though x

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  3. I'm not sure what to say ad nothing d re really helps. Just don't be scared... Be the wonderful mother of one beautiful girl and keep learning as that's all that is important

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    1. Yea one of the things I fear is that I'll get so bogged down in infertility sadness that I'll forget the amazing gift I already have being her mum. I don't think she'll let me forget though. I don't want to miss out on fun times with her because I get depressed over another baby that doesn't exist yet. Will just have to keep it all in check I guess.

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  4. All the best with it all, I have watched (and tried to support) my sis when she went through this, so I have some idea of just how emotional it can be xxx

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    1. So emotional Janet. So many highs {when there's hope} and then such low lows when its all gone for another month.

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  5. I really hope it happens for you without needing fertility treatment. It happened for me, so I'm always optimistic that it can happen for some one else. I'll keep my fingers, legs, arms, eyeballs crossed for you! xo

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    1. Glad it happened for you Ness. The more stories I hear the more confident I am that it can happen to us too.

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  6. Fear is such a hard thing to get past, I too have my own fears regarding a second child around infertility and PND but I have to keep reminding myself to be positive. I think our bodies know when we are fearful but when they know we are positive, it makes all the difference. Good luck!

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    1. Yep I just need to try not to think about it.

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  7. I want to give you a big hug. I can only imagine your fear right now and your worry at losing yourself in that process again. Have faith in yourself and in your body. It won't guarantee the result you want but it will hopefully give you the strength and courage you need to overcome the fear x

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    1. Yea thats the biggest fear Kirsty, losing myself in the process. Hopefully it'll be different this time.

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  8. When your heart is screaming at you, it is hard to ignore. Don't let fear set your back, the pain of regret for not trying will eat you as much xx I hope it comes easy this time round. You deserve a break xx

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    1. Yep the regret would be worse than the fear I think.

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  9. I hope bub number 2 happens for you xx
    #TeamMM

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  10. Hoping you don't need to have the treatment this time and it happens just as you want it to x

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