Monday, June 29, 2015

I'm not fine

This week's topic for I Must Confess with Kirsty is the biggest lie you've ever told. At first I wasn't going to join in because I couldn't think of a big lie I'd told. But then I realised I tell the biggest lie of my life all the time. Every time I say I'm fine.

Truth is I'm not fine.


I'm not fine with my daughter having allergies, eye problems and now possible sensory issues. I'm not fine with the fact that her life will always be different from her peers. I'm not fine with the fact that she'll always have a harder life. I'm not fine with all the hospital and specialist visits she has to go to. I'm not fine with people not understanding any of it and giving me unsolicited advice. I'm far from fine about all of it, but its the hand we've been dealt so I'm getting on with it and being the best mum I can. She's spent far more time in hospitals than any almost 2yr old should have, but my one consolation is that she doesn't know any different. That's the one consolation about all of it, she will never know any other way, this is her normal. She is special and she is loved and she won't know any different.

I'm not fine with the fact that she doesn't have a proper grandfather and both her grandmothers are pretty much absent from her life. I'm not fine with the fact that in order for them to spend any time with her I need to instigate it. I'm not fine with the fact that she doesn't have a close, loving relationship with her grandparents like other kids do. I'm so far from fine with this, but I'm also so worn down from trying to change the situation that I feel there's nothing more I can do. If they want to have a relationship with her they can get off their butts and call me and arrange to do something for once. Until then T and I will do everything we can to provide her with a loving, safe and wonderful immediate family so she never feels like she's missing out.

I'm not fine with the fact that everything in my life has been a struggle. Nothing has ever come easy. I have worked my ass off for everything and then some and yet I'm still faced with struggles such as infertility. I'm not fine with the fact that it may take us months or years and fertility treatment to have another child. Sometimes its just not fair and no I'm not fine with this, but what other choice do I have.

I'm not fine with feeling like I'm doing everything alone. I'm not fine with having no family support. I'm not fine with getting no days off and no break. I'm not fine with being emotionally exhausted all the time. I'm not fine with giving everything of myself to other people and feeling like I get nothing back. But I do love being a mum and this is the life I've made for myself so I'll keep going regardless. 

Pretty much every time I say I'm fine I'm telling one big fat lie and I'm going to keep on telling that lie because its easier. 

Its easier than asking for help from people who continuously disappoint me. Its easier than making other people depressed by telling the truth. Its easier than letting my guard down and feeling vulnerable. Its easier than admitting I can't do everything. Its just easier.

Do you ever say you're fine when you're not?

Toni x

linking with Kirsty, Alicia & Eva

45 comments:

  1. Hugs Toni. This post resonates with me, especially the bit about no support and no breaks. Being a mum is the toughest job ever. All I can say is you're doing such a great job, and, yep. Totally get you. X

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    1. Totally the toughest job ever and I love her to death, I just wished others loved her as much as I do. You're doing a great job too Jasmine {even if our toddlers are little terrors haha}.

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    2. Aww thanks Toni. And terror is totally the right word! :)

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  2. I think "I'm fine" just slips out before we even think about what's actually happening in our lives. It's a tough gig this parenting thing, and doing it without any support makes it even tougher.
    #TeamMM

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    1. Yep feeling alone makes it seem so much harder x

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  3. Massive hugs. I can really relate to this post, on so many levels. You are doing a great job with your daughter.

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  4. I'm fine is the biggest lie. I'm so not fine with things in my life. For the longest time I've felt like I need 6 months off. Just off. I can do as much or as little as I like. And I still want to work towards getting that because I really feel like I need it. Of course, HOW to do that when I'm the income earner - NFI!

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    1. Oh god 6 months off would be amazing!

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  5. Ahhh yes - I say I'm fine a lot when I'm not too! Being a mum is a tough gig - much tougher than we realise going in! You're doing a great job Toni! :-) x

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    1. Yep no-one ever tells you how hard it is. Of course its totally worth it, but man is it draining. Thanks Min.

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  6. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. Good on you for admitting that you aren't fine, even though I'm sure it was hard. I don't understand immediate family who choose to not spend time with their family (other than when their is abuse present of course). I'm sure you know this, but it's their loss. It's their loss that they don't get to know your gorgeous little girl better. It's their loss that they don't have her to light up their day. Most of all it's their loss that they won't get to watch her grow and learn.

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    1. Yep totally their loss. They're missing out on so much more from not being in her life than she is from not having them around.

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  7. Toni I had no idea. I'm sorry you haven't been fine. Being a mum is hard isn't it? And then to add the issues you've been facing.... You're one incredible woman. I have no advice. But I do hope you can find some support or at least the grandparents will want to get more involved. In thread they are missing out on some incredible moments with their granddaughter. Xx

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    1. I hope they will get more involved too. I just have to work on being more ok with it if they dont.

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  8. What a great honest post. It takes courage to be honest and as mum's we often try and hide the truth - that it is hard. It isn't fine and thank you for putting it out there. Big hugs to you. No family support is terribly hard but I'm sure you are doing a great job

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    1. It took being emotional at 10pm at night to let it all out lol, but yes lets call it courage :) And a lot of pent up frustration. Thanks Caroline.

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  9. Hugs. Parenting is hard. Let alone having no support, no time out. Then hearing the news that your daughter has eye and sensory problems I hear you but, sometimes being heard is not enough. I hope from being honest and getting this out you may find a Mary Poppins to give you a bit of help. Zoe xx

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    1. I would love a Mary Popping to come along :)

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  10. Hugs Toni. I can really relate to this. I put on a brave face a lot. Thanks for sharing your deep thoughts. I am sure it has helped a lot of us realise that we're not alone in feeling isolated. x

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    1. I imagine you feel similar a lot of the time Karen x

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  11. I say I'm fine all the time, even when I am not. It is easier, and sometimes no one cares anyway! You are doing a fabulous job, your are enough for your family. All this being fine will one day come around and give you a huge life hug. It will come, you'll deserve every single bit of that goodness x

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    1. Yes sometimes nobody cares, exactly. Hopefully it does come back. As long as bub grows up happy and realises how much I love/d her then thats enough.

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  12. Your post resonates a lot. I hope some people close to you will read it and move their ass to help you without asking anything. I know what you feel. I ve been there. A lot. Last week only i decided to stop hiding. Lots of hugs. Xx cathy

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    1. I hope so too {but so far nothing}.

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  13. I say it all the time too... Your beautiful daughter is lucky to have such a devoted... Caring and special mum...

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  14. What a fabulous post and I do the same thing. It's just easier than having to tell everyone what's really going on. I feel for you watching your precious girl go through so much. My son has seen way too many specialists, hospitals for my liking too but this will continue for years to come and I suppose it's also our normal. x

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    1. Yep unfortunately it will continue. I thought about you and your son heaps when bub was having surgery.

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  15. I can totally relate. It is often so much easier to just tell people what they want to hear. I have often felt like a "A Pill" - hard to swallow. But we keep putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that tomorrow will be better. Go gently Toni. Mel xx

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    1. Definitely. You just have to keep going regardless x

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  16. Wow you're so right, saying "I'M FINE" is if not the biggest lie we tell, it's also probably the most frequent. My heart aches for you, I completely get the grandparent thing. I used to go shopping with my kids and cry when I saw other young mums out and about with THEIR mums, it hurt so bad. Nearly 20 years down the track, my daughter (and son) and I have the relationship I was never able to have with my mum, and one day I get to be a really cool grandma!

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    1. PS isn't it funny how we both went down the parent path on our blog's today x

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    2. I used to stand at work {in the shops} and watch other mums and daughters shopping together and wishing it was me and my mum. I hope I'll have the relationship with my daughter that I always wanted with my mum.

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  17. I hope that it get's fine-r, somehow.
    I hear you, I'm not fine with my just turned 3 year old having autism either, or that he hurts my just turned 1 year old every day. There is a lot that I'm not fine with :(

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    1. Its hard isnt it and its more frustrating that there's not a whole lot we can do about it.

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  18. Ahh Toni. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all of this and are lacking the support you need and deserve. I wish I could do something to help you. Your little girl is the luckiest little girl in the world because she has you as her mum. And you know what?! She's going to be a little fighter. She's strong and will take the world by storm. You won't need to worry about her at all xxoo

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    1. I'm not too worried about her. Just sad that she'll have extra hurdles to overcome really. But she'll be tough like her mumma. Wish you lived closer the girls could have play dates.

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  19. Lots of hugs to you, Toni.

    I'm not fine either xx

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    1. Hugs right back to you Francesca.

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  20. What a brave post to write, I had no idea you were going through so many struggles. As if motherhood isn't hard enough to deal with, you have all the extra challenges too. I'm really sorry.

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    1. Its certainly an interesting ride, but I just keep on keeping on {and occasionally have brain vents like this to make it more bearable}.

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  21. One of the bravest things we can do is to admit to our vulnerabilities. Thank you for sharing them with us but I also hope that by writing all this out, it gives you some release too. Big hugs to you, Toni and your gorgeous little one x

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