Friday, April 10, 2015

The toughest day of my life as a parent.

Before I had kids I thought the hardest day of my life would be the day I gave birth. Granted my birth experience wasn't great and for a long time I have very much thought it was one of the hardest days of my life {apart from the fact that I got bub at the end of it}, but I was wrong. Yesterday was most definitely the toughest day of my life, and everything else pales in comparison.

Yesterday I had to watch my baby be put to sleep. Then I had to watch her endure through hours of pain when she woke up. Her surgery finally happened. We got through it, but its something I hope we never have to do again.

Last week my anxiety was going back and forth between having major internal freakouts and being ok with the operation and accepting that it was going to happen. Its not like I really had a choice, it had to be done, but that didn't stop me freaking out about it.

I was mainly worried about putting her to sleep. I'd heard from other parents how horrible it is watching them go to sleep and I wasn't looking forward to it. Deep down I knew it had to be me to go in as she always wants me when she's upset. I spent the week beforehand trying to convince myself T could take her in and it'd be fine and then I wouldn't be left with the memory of her going to sleep. In the end though I decided I had to do what was best for her and minimise the trauma for her rather than me. 

So I put on my big girl panties and got on with it. In the end she was so tired from being awake and waiting around all day she actually wanted to go to sleep anyway. She was relieved she could finally lay down on a bed and have a sleep. It helps that the surgery was booked for when she'd normally have her day time nap. In the end it wasn't anywhere near as traumatic as I thought it was going to be. 

During the operation I just kept telling myself she was having her nap so I didn't worry as much. I only started clock watching when it got to an hour which was how long the operation should take. Fifteen minutes after that I was getting a bit antsy and posted this photo...

Waiting, waiting, waiting... longest day of my life. #hospitalssuck
Posted by Finding Myself Young on Wednesday, April 8, 2015

About ten minutes after that photo was taken the surgeon called me to tell me everything had gone well {while I was sitting on the toilet, of course, stuff like that only happens to me}.

After that I was relieved and thought the stress and worry was all over. I was so excited to see her in recovery.... until I got there. I was expecting her to be half asleep lying on a hospital bed still groggy. How wrong was I. 

Walking into recovery I could hear her screaming her head off from three aisles away. When I got to her she was bright red and shaking {as well as screaming her head off}. She was beside herself and the poor nurses were super happy to see me because they couldn't console her no matter what they tried. Thankfully mummy cuddles and mummy's voice went a long way towards settling her down, but she was still really unhappy. Once they gave her more pain meds and they finally kicked in she calmed down and went to sleep from utter exhaustion. Poor thing would've been so scared waking in a strange room hurting and not knowing why. I felt worse seeing her like that in recovery than I did watching her go to sleep. I really hope she never experiences pain like that again.

She stayed sleeping on my chest for three hours on the ward. Snoring and whimpering every now and then. Even though I was busting to pee and couldn't feel my right arm, I was exactly where I needed to be. 


The hours on the ward passed surprisingly quickly because we were being thoroughly entertained by the other kids asking the nurses questions - Do you have kids? What's their names? Do you have a husband? Kids really surprise me how upbeat they are even when they're in pain. 

Just before 7pm we were allowed to go home and she was beyond relieved to have her cannula out and the monitor off her foot. And I was more than happy to leave the hospital after ten hours. I sat in the back of the car on the way home to hold her hand and she had another little nap.


We were expecting a sleepless night {well I was because T never hears her during the night}, but she surprised me and slept from 8:30 to 6. It broke my heart when she was trying to cover her head with pillows when she went to sleep to stop the pain. Poor baby.


This morning she's been pretty much back to her normal self already, walking around pointing at everything saying "dere, dere, dere". In the car on the way to the specialist check-up everything was woooooowww and when we went down a hill or over a bump it was wooooooooaahhh. Such a difference to last night when she was dead silent or crying in the car.

It really is amazing us how quickly she's bouncing back. Even though its only day surgery these days, I still remember how painful it was from when I had it done and they only operated on one of my eyes whereas they did both of hers. She's such a little trooper.

Hopefully in 2 weeks when we go back for another post-op check it's improved enough that we won't need to contemplate surgery again in the future. Because I really don't want her or us to go through this again.

Pre kids I never knew just how emotionally challenging it could be.


Toni x


48 comments:

  1. That sure sounds like a tough day Toni. I would have felt terrible too not being able to be there to comfort her when she woke up. I can understand why your heart dropped when you heard her so distressed in recovery. Poor darling heart. A tough day, but one passed and fingers crossed not to be repeated again. Well done mumma x

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    1. Yea it's probably the worst I've felt as a mum in that moment in recovery {and the following half an hour trying to calm her down while she was screaming and thrashing in pain}. I'm so glad it's over and I'm hoping we'll never have to do it again. Thankgod she won't remember it.

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  2. Oh bless Toni. It Is Sooo hard isn't it. Give your brave little munchkin a big proud hug from me xx

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    1. I'll add you to the list Sonia :)

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  3. Nothing worse than knowing your baby is in pain.

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  4. Brave mumma and brave babe! I don't think there's anything worse than seeing someone you love in pain, especially when that someone is your baby. I hope she recovers quickly and that she can look forward to a surgery free future!

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    1. She's doing so well already, hopefully in 2 weeks all the redness from her eyes will have gone too. Crossing all my fingers that she doesn't need any more surgery in the future.

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  5. Toni I'm glad you're on the other side of the operation now. Your poor little poppet. I've only had to witness one anaesthetic so far,it was for our 2nd born 18 months ago when she was 6, she had her tonsils and adenoids removed, only that another Mum had given me the heads up of what would happen that I didn't race around the operating theatre in a major panic as she went under. I don't think anything prepares us for how emotionally challenging being a parent will be.
    Hope your little poppet continues to have a speedy recovery. thinking of you guys xx

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    1. Thanks Dannielle. I think if bub wasn't so tired at the time it would've been a very different scenario when she went under the anaesthetic, we we're really lucky there. She's recovering so much quicker and better than I thought she would.

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  6. I felt every word. Hope she's feeling much better and in even higher spirit. She's a trooper and you're doing great mum!

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    1. She had an unsettled night last night, but I think overall she's still feeling pretty good.

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  7. Oh this is my worst nightmare. I don't think I'd be nearly as strong as you were. Hope she's feeling so much better already. I'm sure she's been getting all the mummy hugs she needs to make her happy again. xxx

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    1. Yea she's been getting a lot of mummy hugs and kisses.

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  8. Fingers crossed she doesn't have to go through it again. You did a fab job, you almost made me tear up with the needing to pee bit and being where you needed to be. She will forget about it all in time x

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    1. I almost cried cos I was busting lol.

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  9. That does sound like a hard day. The poor pumpkin. I'm glad you both got through together and I hope she is feeling better as each day passes. Nothing beats the sound of mums voice and her hugs. Well done for being so strong. xx

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    1. She keeps feeling better, but I'm feeling worse each day that I have to give her eye drops :(

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  10. Poor thing! Little ones are tougher and more resilient than we give them credit for. I've had to be in the operating theatre when Miss T was put to sleep last year. Luckily my bestie had told me exactly what to expect and I had some lovely nurses there for support. Nothing is worse than waiting for them to wake up but I just had to trust in the experts who were there to do their job (tonsils out, adenoids out, grommets in). Lots of mummy cuddles, special treats and rest does wonders. Bravo to you for being there for her and staying strong! xx

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    1. She's so much tougher than I expected. Trent and I both said heaps of times if it was either of us we'd still be in bed crying.

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  11. I'm glad it's all over now and you can try to get your life back to normal. You must be physically and mentally exhausted. I hope you get some time out this weekend x

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    1. I wish I could sleep for a week.

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  12. It sure is tough - but you and bub both got through it, be proud of yourselves! Big love xx

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    1. I am happy we got through it ok, I'm just really hating this month of eye drops that I have to deal with now :(

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  13. I am so glad she seems to be recovering so well. What a heartbreaking day for you, Toni. Or days, more like! Your brave little girl has battled and won. x

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    1. So heartbreaking, I hate seeing her hurting. Just wish we could stay cuddled up together in bed forever.

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  14. What a tough day for you Toni, my heart goes out to you. My three year old had to have general anaesthetic for stiches recently and I can relate to the heart-wrenching screams once they come round! It took me ages to settle her. Hoping your little one has a speedy recovery.

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  15. I'm so glad she's doing so well. What a thing to have to face. Love to all x

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    1. Yea I keep saying if we have another baby I'd like one who doesn't have allergies or eye problems :) I really can't imagine going through it again with another child.

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  16. I hope she continues to recover well. It is so hard watching our babies in pain! give her a big hug and one for yourself too mumma!

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    1. I know SO hard watching them in pain. She seems to be recovering well so far :)

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  17. Oh my goodness I can only imagine! So glad she is doing so well and you are so so brave! Big girl panties indeed!

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    1. Haha yes I only bring out my big girl panties for special occasions!

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  18. Oh, Toni. So glad to hear that she got through it and you stayed strong. There's nothing worse than seeing your baby in pain. Glad to hear she was in good care, though x

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    1. Yea the team were really great and she seems to have come through it ok.

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  19. It's horrible seeing your child in pain no matter how old they are. Miss 18 had her tonsils out last year and woke up crying and disoriented in recovery, she too just needed her mum! What followed was 10 days of hell - terrible pain for my girl, and she kept throwing up from the anaesethic, which didn't help her throat - we ended up back in hospital. She's glad NOW she had it done but at the time it was pretty darn awful. Glad to hear your girl is now on the mend xxx

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    1. I still remember when I had my tonsils and adenoids out when I was 6! I remember how much it hurt, the only good thing was the ice cream and jelly I got to eat after. Glad she's happy she had it done even though it was horrible at the time.

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  20. Sadly I've been there and through that about 8 times. The worst was when his 2.5 hour operation dragged on because of complications, I get goosebumps just writing it. Hugs and get well vibes to your princess.

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    1. The whole time leading up to it and on the day I kept thinking about when your little boy had his operation :(

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  21. I have just take a big breath.. It is heart breaking when your child needs surgery but such a relief when it is over. I am so happy for you and proud of you for coping so well (yes it sounds like you coped amazingly well).
    My no.3 was born with a condition called hypospadias where his penis had 2 holes. He needed surgery at 10mths. I was sick in the waiting room but it was the recovery that killed me. He wanted me to cuddle him but the pain was too much. A very long night. Thanks for linking up with us for #imustconfess

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    1. Yea I'm really surprised the recovery was worse. I thought it'd all be over once she came out of theatre. Thankfully they bounce back rather quickly {compared to us adults}.

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  22. So glad to hear that it all went well and fingers crossed neither of you have to go through it again. As an adult I don't handle coming out of anesthetic very well so can't imagine what it must be like for a young child.

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    1. Oh god I hope we don't need to do it again!

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  23. I could never have imagined the emotions of having a sick baby. It is all consuming. Big hugs!

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    1. Yep aren't we lucky we got the special ones :)

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