Before I had kids I thought the hardest day of my life would be the day I gave birth. Granted
my birth experience wasn't great and for a long time I have very much thought it was one of the hardest days of my life {apart from the fact that I got bub at the end of it}, but I was wrong. Yesterday was most definitely the toughest day of my life, and everything else pales in comparison.
Yesterday I had to watch my baby be put to sleep. Then I had to watch her endure through hours of pain when she woke up. Her surgery finally happened. We got through it, but its something I hope we never have to do again.
Last week my anxiety was going back and forth between having major internal freakouts and being ok with the operation and accepting that it was going to happen. Its not like I really had a choice, it had to be done, but that didn't stop me freaking out about it.
I was mainly worried about putting her to sleep. I'd heard from other parents how horrible it is watching them go to sleep and I wasn't looking forward to it. Deep down I knew it had to be me to go in as she always wants me when she's upset. I spent the week beforehand trying to convince myself T could take her in and it'd be fine and then I wouldn't be left with the memory of her going to sleep. In the end though I decided I had to do what was best for her and minimise the trauma for her rather than me.
So I put on my big girl panties and got on with it. In the end she was so tired from being awake and waiting around all day she actually wanted to go to sleep anyway. She was relieved she could finally lay down on a bed and have a sleep. It helps that the surgery was booked for when she'd normally have her day time nap. In the end it wasn't anywhere near as traumatic as I thought it was going to be.
During the operation I just kept telling myself she was having her nap so I didn't worry as much. I only started clock watching when it got to an hour which was how long the operation should take. Fifteen minutes after that I was getting a bit antsy and posted this photo...
About ten minutes after that photo was taken the surgeon called me to tell me everything had gone well {while I was sitting on the toilet, of course, stuff like that only happens to me}.
After that I was relieved and thought the stress and worry was all over. I was so excited to see her in recovery.... until I got there. I was expecting her to be half asleep lying on a hospital bed still groggy. How wrong was I.
Walking into recovery I could hear her screaming her head off from three aisles away. When I got to her she was bright red and shaking {as well as screaming her head off}. She was beside herself and the poor nurses were super happy to see me because they couldn't console her no matter what they tried. Thankfully mummy cuddles and mummy's voice went a long way towards settling her down, but she was still really unhappy. Once they gave her more pain meds and they finally kicked in she calmed down and went to sleep from utter exhaustion. Poor thing would've been so scared waking in a strange room hurting and not knowing why. I felt worse seeing her like that in recovery than I did watching her go to sleep. I really hope she never experiences pain like that again.
She stayed sleeping on my chest for three hours on the ward. Snoring and whimpering every now and then. Even though I was busting to pee and couldn't feel my right arm, I was exactly where I needed to be.
The hours on the ward passed surprisingly quickly because we were being thoroughly entertained by the other kids asking the nurses questions - Do you have kids? What's their names? Do you have a husband? Kids really surprise me how upbeat they are even when they're in pain.
Just before 7pm we were allowed to go home and she was beyond relieved to have her cannula out and the monitor off her foot. And I was more than happy to leave the hospital after ten hours. I sat in the back of the car on the way home to hold her hand and she had another little nap.
We were expecting a sleepless night {well I was because T never hears her during the night}, but she surprised me and slept from 8:30 to 6. It broke my heart when she was trying to cover her head with pillows when she went to sleep to stop the pain. Poor baby.
This morning she's been pretty much back to her normal self already, walking around pointing at everything saying "dere, dere, dere". In the car on the way to the specialist check-up everything was woooooowww and when we went down a hill or over a bump it was wooooooooaahhh. Such a difference to last night when she was dead silent or crying in the car.
It really is amazing us how quickly she's bouncing back. Even though its only day surgery these days, I still remember how painful it was from when I had it done and they only operated on one of my eyes whereas they did both of hers. She's such a little trooper.
Hopefully in 2 weeks when we go back for another post-op check it's improved enough that we won't need to contemplate surgery again in the future. Because I really don't want her or us to go through this again.
Pre kids I never knew just how emotionally challenging it could be.
Toni x