Friday, November 7, 2014

Into the storm

Yesterday afternoon I went to the movies with my mum while T looked after bub. I've been told I need to get out more without her and do more normal things (I guess that means things without a toddler tagging along). I got sent movie tickets for my birthday so it seemed like the perfect way to escape from the world for a few hours and turn my mum brain off. For once I actually didn't worry about her when she wasn't with me. 

Mum actually asked me to take a selfie of us in the cinema {because shes so hip now lol}

I always feel like I've escaped to an alternate universe when I'm at the movies. Its so easy to disconnect and focus on one thing when I'm sitting in a dark room looking at a massive screen with my phone turned off (ok not off, but on silent and out of sight). Of course being hidden from the world in a dark room totally screws with my mind when I come back out into the daylight. It was worse this time because we went in during the daylight and came out when it was dark. And we didn't just emerge into the darkness, we happened to come out in the middle of the most epic storm we've had in ages. Watching the movie meant I hadn't been on the net for the last few hours to know that there was a storm coming, let alone a psychotic one. Lucky T was driving me home because I was petrified and would've happily hid in the underground carpark for as long as it took for the storm to pass just to avoid driving in it.

It was quite surreal driving home. The road and view directly in front of us was like a typical night, but when we looked just above eye level the whole sky was lighting up. It wasn't like a normal storm centred in one part of the sky, it was everywhere, like a 360 degree storm happening in every direction at the same time. Obviously a number of different storms happening at once. It was strangely beautiful and terrifying at the same time. 

The closer we got to home the more defined the lightening strikes became and the louder the thunder got. Awesome, that meant the storm was pretty much directly above our house. It was about that point I started to believe we were definitely going to get struck by lightning before we got home. I was even playing different lightning strike scenarios out in my head, that's how certain I was. Because you know if you're going to be struck by lightning its always best to be prepared for it, because that's going to somehow make it less traumatic, at least that's what my brain was thinking.

It's probably the first time I've let my anxiety and fear control the way I've acted in front of bub, although technically she was behind me in her car seat. I'm always super conscious to control my own anxieties when I'm with her because I don't want her picking up on them and taking them on herself. I'm usually really good at this. I can be freaking out on the inside, but cool as a cucumber on the outside. It's actually been really good for me and has helped me to get over a lot of my unrealistic anxieties. But not this time. This time I lost it (in the most controlled way I could).

Everything that isn't brown or blue is a storm. FYI red is really bad

I was totally panicking that we were all going to die before we got home. Panicking that we'd be struck by lightning. Or lightning would strike power lines and they'd fall on our car and we'd be trapped. Or worse still I'd be able to get out and bub would be trapped and I couldn't get to her. Seriously all this shit was flashing through my mind over the course of about ten minutes. In the midst of it I turned around to check on her thinking she'd be freaking out because shes never really been in a bad storm before and instead I found her almost asleep.

Kids really do blow me away with their ability to cope with situations that make us adults crumble. Here I was a grown woman losing my shit meanwhile she was just chilling looking at the pretty flashing lights. When we finally got inside almost soaking wet from running through the torrential rain, I finally felt safe, and recovered enough brain capacity to mask my anxiety for her sake. She thought all the lights streaming in from the windows were pretty cool, but then quickly got distracted trying to shove all her fingers in my mouth. So I let myself get distracted by it too. We pretty much just mucked around with each other until the storm passed over.

She taught me so much in that half hour. It'd be totally awesome to be able to live as a child again without fear, not being scared of something simply because you don't know you should be scared of it. I realise fear is a good thing in most cases though because it stops us from doing stupid things and keeps us alive, but it'd be lovely to live without the irrational fears. She taught me that my irrational fears are all in my mind. She taught me that I have the power within myself to control them and switch them off, or at least push them to the back of my mind, by focusing on something else. Seeing the world through her eyes each day is teaching me so many lessons, big and small.


Have you overcome any fears since becoming a parent?


Toni x


P.S. - We weren't watching Into the Storm, but wouldn't that have been ironic!

Linking with Grace, Ann, Sonia and Bel


33 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness! That would have been so scary! I hate big storms too. We've had some crazy weather here recently too!

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    1. Its the worst storm we've had in ages, but we did need rain. We were commenting the day before about how it hasn't rained in ages, then mother nature goes and makes up for that in a big way.

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  2. When I was a kid I hated storms so much I used to hide and or freak out. As I got older I slowly got over it and having kids made me in into full mummy mode now trying to explain what I storm is and never will I drive in one. If I know a storm is coming and I have to or Adam needs to go out I always try to do it before a storm hits.

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    1. I think it was driving in it that freaked me out the most. If we were already at home when it hit I don't think I would've been as worried, but driving home in it made me get all worked up.

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  3. What a storm! I think you did really well coping like that. I'm not as scared of spiders as I used to be since being a parent. Normally I would scream and run and hide, but now I actually have to kill them!! And pretend, it's okay. I don't want to put fear into them (the kids, not the spiders!)

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    1. Oh yes I've had to kill cockroaches and spiders when Trent hasn't been home. Normally I'd go and hide in a room until he got rid of them, but now my protective mummy instincts take over. I'm still scared of them though.

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  4. We mustn't live far from each other! I closed up the house completely (air is overrated) just to keep the noise down from it all. I am usually freaking out with storms too and was conscious of how I was acting in front of my little man because it was bedtime and Mama was ready for the son to go down!

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    1. It would normally be bed time for her too, but because they came and picked me up she stayed up a little later. We had dinner after the storm then straight to bed. So glad the power didn't go out although I have no idea why it didn't because its gone out in much smaller storms.

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  5. Children are amazing. And what a storm! I'm not surprised you lost your shit. The thing that I'm loving at the moment is how healing I'm finding this parenting gig, somehow in the chaos so many things that have dogged me for years seem to rear their head and slip away. It sounds like the same is happening for you x

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    1. Yes exactly the same thing is happening for me Cybele x

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  6. There are so many fears when you're a parent! The storm kept my boys up most of the night and then in my bed!

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    1. It passed over us within about 40 minutes, but then rained again later through the night. I think I missed a bit of it while I was in the movies (thankgod).

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  7. OMG - I would have been FREAKING out - especially with the baby in the car! Fears escalate when you're a parent. All worse case scenario's enter our heads. It's crazy! I bet reaching the safety of home never felt so good! Min xo

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    1. Yes except when we had to run through the storm to get into the front door - that was probably the scariest part. Once I was inside I was ok, just worried the power was going to go out.

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  8. I am definitely more on edge with things now that I'm a parent. I'm glad you and your family are safe and sound.
    Visiting from SITS :)
    Paula @ Welcoming Spirit

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  9. Kids really are pretty cool sometimes. We have a bit we can learn from them. With that said, I would have been freakin' myself. I detest thunder and lightening shows and it looks like a pretty nasty old storm you had over the top of you there!! Eeeek! Glad you made it back safe and sound x

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    1. I have a weird fascination with it all, but I'm still shit scared of it (especially driving in storms).

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  10. Thank goodness you're all okay! I've overcome my fear of saying no since becoming a parent. It's a must! :) Visiting from SITS!

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    1. Too true! I say no now more than I ever have.

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  11. You are so right, kids have a way of teaching us so many things...how to cope, learning how to enjoy life, and smile even when everything around us seems like a storm. I'm glad ya'll made it through safely!

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    1. Yep we can learn so much from them x

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  12. The only place I want to be during a storm is tucked up at home with the whole family safely with me. I remember I once drove through the most epic storm on my own and I drove straight to my parents house and they gave me a sedative I was that worked up so I can completely relate to your anxiety xx

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    1. I remember when I was younger mum, my brother and I were driving home on the highway (I think from the Gold Coast) and we were caught in a massive hail storm. I was in the front and me and mum both had our hands up against the windscreen hoping to reinforce it so it wouldn't crack because the hail was the size of golf balls. Heaps of cars were pulling over under the overpasses it was complete chaos. Perhaps thats where my fear comes from, but if I was my mum that day I would've been shitting bricks.

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  13. It was an epic storm wasn't it! I was out before it hit, quite a drive from home. My friend showed me the radar on her phone, so I jumped in my car and headed straight home. I didn't want to be caught driving in it on the motorway! I'm sorry you guys were out in it x

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    1. If I knew it was coming I definitely wouldn't have gone out to the movies! Thankgod T was picking me up and driving, otherwise I would've hung out at the shops for another hour. Mind you it was late night shopping so its not as big of an issue if it had've been any other weekday. Even if they were shut though I would've hid in the carpark for an hour.

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  14. Scary! I'd have freaked out a bit too. We're in Oklahoma so tornados happen, and I'm terrified.

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    1. I'd be terrified if I lived where there were tornadoes too!

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  15. My kids have taught me to find depths of patience I never thought possible! I've also become better at dealing with creepy crawlies when I'm around them so I don't look like a complete scaredy cat :)

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    1. I'm definitely learning to be a lot more patient and tolerant now that I'm dealing with a toddler who likes to throw tantrums.

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  16. Oh, I'm constantly trying to overcome difficulties as a parent. For one, my lack of self-confidence! So glad you got to go out and have a good night - despite the storm.

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    1. You know what this just made me realise I never felt bad about going to the movies even though it meant we ended up driving in the storm. That's huge! Normally I would've automatically felt like it was all my fault and how dare I go out and end up putting my family in danger... blah blah. The thought didn't even cross my mind this time :)

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  17. I think i would have freaked out if driving in that. I dont mind so much being at home. I dont know if they scared me as a kid i'll have to ask my mum. Kids are funny like that arent they, i've learnt to relax more having them i can't be in control as much anymore and sometimes the stuff i try and control really doesnt matter :) Thanks for sharing with us for sunday brunch love xx

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