As parents all we ever want is the best for our kids. I always knew her life wouldn't be perfect, no-one's is. I just didn't want her to have to go through the things I did. I want her life to be better than mine, easier. Isn't that the way its supposed to be?
Before she was born I was super paranoid that she would have eye problems. My dad wore glasses, her dad wears glasses and I was born with a turned eye, had surgery and still wore glasses until 17. I knew the odds were against me, but I was hopeful that she'd be spared.
I was over the moon when she was born and her eyes were straight. They were perfect. She was perfect.
I've been hyper sensitive when it comes to her eyes since birth. I notice the tiniest turn in her eye. It happened here and there every now and again, but never anything consistent and never anything to worry about. In fact other people probably wouldn't even have noticed. Until about two months ago.
It started happening again. More frequently. It became obvious and not just to me. Others started noticing. I had a gut feeling that it was turning like mine when I was younger. I kept trying to brush it off like my family was, but deep down I knew. I didn't want it to be real, but it was and it is.
Today she was seen by a specialist and they confirmed it's the same condition I had.
First step is glasses and then possibly surgery in a few months. The thought of having to put my baby to sleep for an operation is beyond scary to me, so I'm pretending it wont happen for now.
My heart is breaking. It's breaking knowing that not only does she have to deal with her allergies, she now has to deal with this too. It's breaking because I know what its like to live that life. I know how cruel kids can be to others who are different. It's breaking because I feel partially responsible.
I know on the one hand I'm over-reacting (an anxiety disorder tends to make you do that) and glasses aren't that bad. There are much worse things that could happen to her and I know I should be grateful that its nothing worse. But on the other-hand, shes my baby. Shes my poor helpless little girl and there's something wrong with her and I can't fix it, no matter how much I want to, and I really really want to be able to fix it.
I just have to let it all play out how its going to. Which is really hard for a control freak, and really hard for a mum. I have to trust the doctors and the technology and hope it will work. I know there have been many advances in technology since I was younger and that's comforting, but there's still that part of me that wishes I was a fairy godmother and could click my fingers and make it all go away.
Linking with Grace, Sonia and Bel.