Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The moment I finally realised I was infertile




Walking into the fertility clinic part of the hospital I was still in denial. There wasn't anything wrong with me. This was just a follow-up by an overzealous dr. Sure we'd been trying to have a baby for over two years at this point, but it wasn't because I was infertile. It had to be something else. Timing, stress... anything. Anything but infertility. Something else I could fix, or change, or eliminate in order to solve the problem, but infertility I couldn't.

Sitting in the waiting room hallway I looked up and down at all the couples lined up against the wall waiting to see the drs and find out their fate. It was like a game of bingo sitting there eagerly waiting for our names to be called out. Each time a door opened and a name was read out a wave of excitement, then disappointment, washed over me.

My mind kept wandering back to the moment at highschool when we had the dreaded sex ed talk. They drummed home the "if you have unprotected sex you will get pregnant" message over and over. Well here I was sitting in a waiting room calling bullshit on that theory. I wanted nothing more than to get pregnant by having unprotected sex. In fact I was actively trying to do it. I felt like I'd been lied to all those years prior.

Its ok though there was still a shred of hope. I'd been taking clomid and I was sure this month was going to be it. This was the miracle I needed. I would go into that room and do a pregnancy test and it would be all good. I would be pregnant. I ignored that tiny flicker of doubt in the back of my mind and tried to reassure myself that this was it.

Finally we got called into the office. I was so eager to tell the dr that I thought I was pregnant. I was practically begging for a pregnancy test. He sent me off to do the test and I envisaged watching the line appear and the huge smile that would come across my face as I saw it. In reality I was told I had to give a sample and then a nurse had to come and collect it and conduct the pregnancy test in the lab. I don't know why I wasn't allowed to do my own test, god knows I was an expert at pregnancy tests by then. It didn't phase me too much though, it just meant I got to live in false hope for a bit longer.

Eventually the test results were in and I wasn't pregnant. It was amazing how nonchalant the dr was delivering the result. It was such a huge emotional blow for me and it was just another test result to him. Its interesting how something that can have such a devastating impact on my life was relatively meaningless to another. After that he went on to explain that we'd gone through all the options we could via the hospital clinic. If we wanted to continue with treatment we'd have to go onto IVF with a private clinic.

And there it was. There was no longer any doubt. I was most definitely infertile. I'd been denying it for so long, but when you hear the words your only option from here is IVF, it kind of smacks you square in the face.

I left that appointment feeling completely deflated. It didn't help that the clinic was right next to the maternity ward so I had to walk past all the pregnant women and their burgeoning bellies on the way out. For the last few weeks I'd looked at them with anticipation assuming I'd soon be joining them. This time I walked out resenting them. I resented that they had what I didn't and might never have. I didn't know them, but I couldn't help feeling like they'd betrayed me by flaunting their pregnant bellies around in public where I could see them. In reality they were just going about their business attending prenatal appointments and I was just being bitter and twisted and redirecting my disappointment into anger.

Infertility has a way of doing that to a person. You become somewhat irrational. Its hard to not become bitter. Suddenly every pregnant woman is having a child just to rub it in your face that they can, at least thats what you think at the time. Infertility is like having a monkey on your back. It's all consuming. Its deflating. Its depressing. But, like other obstacles in life it can be overcome (in some circumstances).

Three and a bit years, a divorce, a new partner and more fertility treatment on from that moment I became a mum. It wasn't without its dramas and a complicated pregnancy, but we got there and that's all that matters. Hopefully we'll be able to do it again in the future.


Toni x


Linking up with Jess, BelSonia and Cat




44 comments:

  1. I like your story. Thank you for sharing this piece.

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  2. I've been down a similar path with IVF, but two beautiful boys later, thankfully it all worked out in the end!

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    1. Its such a great feeling when it works!

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  3. I remember one of my first face-to-face interviews I ever did when I was just starting out as a journo was with a couple who had experienced infertility and then the loss of their first child. I came away feeling so damn lucky. I'm glad your story has a happy ending xx

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    1. Yep you certainly learn to appreciate babies once you've been through infertility or know someone who has.

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  4. Toni , I can relate to this 100 % except we didn't try Clomid. I hope your next fertility treatment is successful.
    I fell pregnant naturally after 14yrs infertility - though it wasn't the happy ending we had in mind.
    After Charlotte's still birth ; 7-8 months we moved straight to IVF due to my age. Cycle 2 fresh blastocysts transfered and twins ...that have lit my world for almost 8 yrs.

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    1. So glad that you got your boys after Charlotte Trish.Infertility seems to be increasingly common these days unfortunately. So horrible that so many of us have to go through it. Thankfully I've never lost a child, I just can't imagine.

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  5. I'm so glad it all worked out for you in the end, Toni. The roller coaster ride of trying to fall pregnant and having to go through treatment is not easy. I hope things go smoother for you next time around x

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    1. I have my fingers crossed that it may happen easier next time.

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  6. It must have been such hard news to get, I have a friend who has one child but would LOVE another but after 5 years it's just not happening. So glad you have your precious child now, and maybe another, or not. I'm sure you're just so stoked to have one.. thanks for sharing you story.

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  7. So eloquently said. Unfortunately, I relate to this but I've been lucky enough to have 2 gorgeous girls. I'm back on that awful roller coaster of meds, tests and results (have been for a very long time now actually) and am fairly fed up but I know all I can do is persevere. Soo happy you got your gorgeous girl.

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    1. Yea unfortunately all we can do is persevere and hold out hope that one day it will happen. It took me almost four years to get bub (if you add up treatment with my ex-husband and T) and I have no idea when to start trying for another. The fact it could take years is playing on my mind a lot, but Im also worried if we try too soon and I by some miracle fall pregnant straight away that I'll have two little ones really close together to run after.

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  8. Oh that must have been so hard! I remember feeling so guilty when I fell pregnant easily when friends of mine had been having trouble trying. I didn't say anything for ages because I felt so bad about it.
    Looking back though, are you glad it didn't happen then? You're partner now is so much better for you, and is no doubt a much better dad. It could have been really hard if you had a baby with your ex and all his dramas. xxx

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    1. Oh god yes Jess! I'm so glad that I didn't have children with him. It still sucks, but I kind of think its all happened for a reason to bring me to where I am today. I just hope we'll be able to have some more babies in the future.

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  9. I am the same as Jess, I fall so easily and have 5 sons. I have a friend that is unable to have children and have tried IVF for years. I just hated telling her each time that I was pregnant.. again.. and then again etc. I am so glad your story has a happy ending and I hope you do get more babies in the future. #teamIBOT

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    1. I can understand it in a way from both sides. When I was pregnant I dreaded telling my friends who I knew were still struggling to conceive and in some ways I felt guilty that I had something they didn't have yet. To be honest infertility kind of took the joy out of pregnancy because I was either guilty or worried something was going to go wrong most of the time. I wish I was one who could've just fallen pregnant because I wanted to (mainly so that I didn't know all of the things that could go wrong). I have nothing against those who can have babies easily though.

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  10. What a tough journey to have to go through. It's good now to be able to look back on the road you've travelled. but I can imagine how difficult it must have been, especially during those dark moments when hope seems so far away.

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    1. It was difficult at the time especially not knowing if it was ever going to happen.

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  11. This was a great read Toni and my heart breaks reading it. It's such a cruel fate for a woman to have, especially the ones that never get a child. Thank you for sharing. I have't had this issue, quite the opposite but having a beautiful child I now can appreciate the desire for a child. It's just to sad that it doesn't happen for easily for everyone.

    http://mummygoesmad.blogspot.com.au

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    1. Yes Im so glad I got my baby even if we dont get to have any more. I cant imagine having to go through life without having a child. Thankfully a lot of the other ladies who were on the infertility road with me have since had babies or are currently pregnant.

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  12. HUGS...we were blessed with our miracle baby through IVF too...it was a long and emotional battle for six years and one that I am grateful for, it lead me to my Dino. What a beautiful girl you have, congratulations. Happy Saturday Sharefest

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    1. We are so lucky to have our miracle babies :)

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  13. I'm glad this story had a happy ending. It took us a while with my daughter including clomid (that didn't work), and a referral to the reprodictive specialist (which we never went to because I was pregnant), and it is scary even as shallow into that pool as I dived. I feel so much for women going through that. I too

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    1. I know I keep hoping in the back of my mind that the second time round wont be so hard because Im not eager to jump back on the emotional rollercoaster.

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  14. So glad you finally got your happy ending. I also traveled the infertility route to my miracle boy.

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  15. Love seeing your IG updates with your gorgeous little girl. What a bumpy road you had to travel to get to such a perfect destination!! Like Jess and yourself have said everything happens for a reason and you should be proud of yourself for still having faith and continuing to try.
    Very heavy read for Sunday Brunch! I hope it happens so much easier for you the next time and I really commend you for putting yourself out there xox

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    1. I dont think I could do anything but continue to try. If I gave up it would mean Id resigned myself to never having a child and I dont think I ever could have done that.

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  16. I'm happy to hear that you overcame it and even became a mum later. :) Thank you for sharing your story.

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  17. This was so well written. As a woman who doesn't have infertility I never know what exactly my sister-in-law/friends/who-ever who are infertile are thinking/going through - this helps.( Btw so happy your story had a happy ending!)

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    1. So glad it helps you understand Madaline.

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  18. I really hope you get to do it all again xx

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    1. Me too Alicia! Im already so clucky its bad.

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  19. I'm so pleased you did get your happy ending Toni but I do feel for everyone out there who struggle with the pain, frustration and stress of infertility. Lovely, heartfelt words x

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  20. I'm so glad that your story has a happy outcome. I wonder who the genius is that decided to put a fertility clinic next to a maternity ward. There must be a lot of women who had similar feelings to you as they walked past.

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    1. I mean genius in the sarcastic sense, just in case that didn't come across properly in my writing :)

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    2. Totally knew what you meant Tegan. I thought the same thing numerous times!!

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  21. We have something in common. I rode the IVF follercoaster too. I can thank modern medical technology for my beautiful bright 7 year old daughter. Imagine my surprise when I found myself pregnant with my now 4 year old the old fashioned way! It can happen!

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    1. So glad it happened for you the second time without IVF. I hope we can do it the old fashioned way too!

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  22. Thanks for linking up love. Your so upfront and honest. you're good to read. imagine if you had had children with your ex. how different life would have been... timing. now look at that blue eyed beauty x

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    1. I know, in a way Im kind of thankful for my infertility from that point. So glad Im not linked to him for the rest of my life.

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  23. So pleased that things worked out in the end. Once again, thanks for linking up for our Worth Casing blog of the month for June at Agent Mystery Case. Our Worth Casing winner is now on the blog and linkup for July now open.

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