Thursday, February 28, 2013

Father figure




I used to sit and spend hours wondering what my baby's dad would be like (in the years before I actually started trying to have a baby). I had a picture in my head of what I wanted their relationship to be like. The thing about having a crappy childhood is that it makes you more determined to make your own family much more stable, more loving and more compassionate. I want to create a safe place for my children. A strong unit that works together to help each other, to have fun and be happy. A key ingredient to this was always going to be finding a strong, loving and supportive man to create this family with me.

I don't want to create the same mistakes my parents did. Not that they were essentially bad parents, I just wish that we got to spend more time with them. Growing up we didn't see dad very often because my parents owned their own business and were always working. Dad would leave for work during the day while we were still at school and we wouldn't see him again until we were picked up from the baby sitters at about 10:30 at night (and that was only if we woke up on the way home). On school holidays we would spend the week with our grandparents. I know they were trying their best to create a secure future for us by having the business, but unfortunately it came at the cost of being able to spend quality time together. That was the one thing I missed most in my childhood.

There were good memories though. I remember going on bike rides to deep water bend and spending time boogie boarding at the beach. Running through the sprinkler in the backyard in our togs. Jumping on the trampoline. Waiting for santa to arrive on Christmas eve and getting up all excited on Christmas Day. I wish we had more of these memories. Our time together was cut short as my parents separated when I was 10 and just three months later dad was gone. I wish we had spent more time together, if only we knew how precious and limited our time together would be.



The biggest thing I want for my family is to spend time together as a family. Even if its just doing small things like watching dvds on the weekend. Having picnics on the lounge room floor or camping in the backyard. Going to the beach as often as possible. I want my children to always feel as though we are there for them day or night. Most of all I want them to have an engaged, loving father figure.

I think T will be a great father. He's very caring and very responsible. He will be a good provider but also a great playmate. I'm pretty sure he will be one of those men who turns to jelly around his kids. They will have him wrapped around their little fingers. I can see I will have to be the bad cop because daddy will be likely to say yes to everything. Once he gets over his fear of changing nappies (which he will be conquering quick smart) I'm confident he will be very involved even with the unpleasant things. He's already made sure we've bought bottles so he can help with feeding. Actually thinking about it I might have to negotiate to get time with the baby. I'm sure he will be totally smitten from day one and I love that. I think I have definitely made the right choice with T. I couldn't think of anyone better to be the father of my children.

I want my children to have a very fulfilling, loving and happy relationship with their daddy. I know we will probably make some mistakes along the way, but as long as our children feel loved that's all I can ask for.

Toni x

UPDATE: T is a great dad and is definitely the big softie who gives her everything she wants and I have to be the bad cop all the time.
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Friday, February 15, 2013

Obviously I should become a morning person

I have never been a morning person, like ever. I could sleep until 10am every day if I wanted to regardless of what time I went to bed. At least that was before. Something has definitely changed of late (I think it has something to do with the tiny human growing inside of me). There was a time not so long ago when I had a great relationship with sleep - we were best friends. I think my baby must be jealous of my relationship with sleep because it is doing everything it can to break us up. I have gone from being able to sleep in (on my days off anyway) to now waking up at 6am each morning. That's ignoring each hour during the night I wake to pee. Some people may like getting up when the sun comes up and being up in the fresh air and all that, but I am not one of them. 6am I should be asleep. I want to be snuggled up in my blanket warm in my bed dreaming - not wide awake. If only my body would agree.



My brain and my body have an epic battle at 6am when I am suddenly awake (despite having no apparent real sleep). My body wants to get up and do stuff because for some unknown reason it is raring to go. Which is a really weird feeling. My brain on the other hand is logical and realises that four hours of broken sleep should not be enough to function throughout the day so wants to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, trying to go back to sleep in the morning is just as successful as sleeping at night so I just end up walking around like a zombie all day. That doesn't stop me from trying to force myself back to sleep most of the time though.

However, if I go against every fibre in my being and allow myself to get up early it seems I am actually quite productive. I don't understand how it is possible to feel so awake and fresh so early in the morning when I know I haven't slept anywhere near what I want. I guess it might be one of those amazing superpowers us pregnant women have? Maybe. I don't give in to it very often, but when I do I become a domestic goddess. What would normally take me hours to complete (because of constant procrastination) can be achieved in fifteen minutes. Possibly because I'm a lot more motivated to do it and also, maybe equally, because there aren't any interesting tv shows on that early to distract me. Either way T loves it when I give in to these moods. He even told me I could quit work if this is what will happen each day.

So I'm starting to think that maybe I should give in to my new body clock more and just bite the bullet and get up in the morning. It's obviously what my body wants, right? You know all everyone says to you when your pregnant (apart from how are you feeling?) is just listen to what your body is telling you. Afterall there are always nanna naps in the afternoon... and who doesn't love a nanna nap.

Toni xx
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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I always thought I would be a unicorn

Sometimes things aren't as we imagined, but they are perfect anyway.


You know when you have been dreaming about something for years, so much so that you can imagine it down to every single detail? It's no secret that I have always wanted children. Even after all my fertility problems when it looked so out of reach I still believed that one day I would get there. I always believed that I would not just have children, but that I would be able to carry them myself. I was always going to get pregnant.

I have always imagined that I would love being pregnant. It would be smooth sailing. I would have lots of energy, my bump would slowly blossom and I would breeze through it all. No morning sickness to be had (that's mums fault she set me up for failure there by constantly telling me how she never got sick with either of us). After spending years waiting, thousands of dollars on treatment, being jabbed by countless needles and taking various medications to create our miracle, it would only be fair that the pregnancy itself should be simple. Right? You know the movie what to expect when your expecting? I wanted to be the magical pregnancy unicorn (minus the blonde hair and bimbo-ness).

About three months ago I found out that finally my dream had come true. After almost 4 years trying (just over 3yrs before and nearly 6 months with T) I was finally pregnant. I am pregnant. Just over 15 weeks along today. Although some days I still cant believe it, the doctors assure me that it is in there. I think my brain still partially believes that the baby lives on the screen at the ultrasound clinic and not actually in my belly. Although my belly is coming along quite nicely - like I have swallowed a beach ball and it is slowly inflating. I'm sure it will feel more real once I can feel it kick.

Unfortunately, my theory that I would be a magical pregnancy unicorn turned out to be wishful thinking. I did feel great for about two weeks. Then of course, after complaining that I didn't have any symptoms, they all hit me at about six and a half weeks. It's that awesome point in time where morning sickness starts (along with sore boobs, peeing all the time, bloating, gas, indigestion, food aversions etc). I don't know how my mother got no morning sickness and yet I ended up with it for six weeks straight. Just lucky I guess. Whoever called it morning sickness was lying too - its all day sickness! The only time I didn't feel sick was when I was asleep. Nobody really tells you about the bad or I guess less than favourable effects of pregnancy. All the magazines are all about all the perfect people and their perfect pregnancies. Turns out I am more like Wendy (from the movie). In fact almost exactly like Wendy, with the fertility struggles and everything its freaky how alike we are.


As much as I love it, it has also been crap at times.

I am happy to say that after I got past twelve weeks the sickness just kind of stopped as quickly as it started. I occasionally get sick every now and then, but that is nothing compared to feeling nauseous all day. It is true that they say the second trimester is when you feel your best. I don't really have any extra energy yet, but I am certainly feeling much better. I hope it continues like this for a few weeks. Maybe there is still time for me to transform into the magical unicorn afterall.

Although I have had a tough time in the first few months I am still so very grateful that this has happened. Even though it hasn't been how I imagined, it is still perfect in every way.

Don't give up on your dreams, you never know when they will be fulfilled.

Toni xx


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