I am so used to being in control of everything. Its what I'm used to and its how I like it. Maybe I crave it more because I was so controlled in my marriage and now I don't want to be held back. Wanting to be in charge goes hand in hand with my independent streak. Lately though I've been feeling the control slip away.
I am now feeling inherently vulnerable. The only other time I've really felt vulnerable was when my house was broken into quite a few years ago. Right now though I feel vulnerable in a number of ways. I'm feeling vulnerable physically and emotionally. Its an odd feeling. I really don't like it.
As a result of all of my psd issues with this pregnancy I have now been told that I am no longer allowed to drive. At all. This doesn't sit well with my independent streak. I don't like having to ask for help if I need to go somewhere. Combine that with the fact that I cant move well and I've been banned from most domestic duties I am now having to rely on others a lot. Its weird. I am used to taking care of everyone else. It feels odd that I am capable enough to grow a whole human inside of me and yet I need to sit down to put on my pants because I cant even bend my legs properly. I spend most of my days rolling on or off the couch or bed. Apparently its quite amusing.
For the first time the thought of being attacked physically scares me. Normally I would be the first to grab something and fight back if someone threatened me, but now that I have a tiny person to protect I am very aware of the need to protect my body. If I had to chose between fight or flight at the moment I would definitely chose flight. Which makes me feel very weak.
I feel vulnerable when I'm alone, not only because I feel so incapable of defending myself but also because I could go into labour at any point. I don't particularly like the idea of going into labour when I'm by myself. It will more than likely happen though. I know help is only a phone call away so in reality its not a big deal.
Is feeling vulnerable in these ways normal for pregnant women? Does everyone get this way at the end? I feel like I should feel empowered and in control at this point, yet I am feeling the complete opposite. I think I'm just paranoid that I worked so hard to get to this point I'm scared someone will take it away from me. Maybe its just because this is my first baby. Please tell me I'm not the only one to ever feel this way.