Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Does feeling vulnerable make me weak?




I am so used to being in control of everything. Its what I'm used to and its how I like it. Maybe I crave it more because I was so controlled in my marriage and now I don't want to be held back. Wanting to be in charge goes hand in hand with my independent streak. Lately though I've been feeling the control slip away.

I am now feeling inherently vulnerable. The only other time I've really felt vulnerable was when my house was broken into quite a few years ago. Right now though I feel vulnerable in a number of ways. I'm feeling vulnerable physically and emotionally. Its an odd feeling. I really don't like it.

As a result of all of my psd issues with this pregnancy I have now been told that I am no longer allowed to drive. At all. This doesn't sit well with my independent streak. I don't like having to ask for help if I need to go somewhere. Combine that with the fact that I cant move well and I've been banned from most domestic duties I am now having to rely on others a lot. Its weird. I am used to taking care of everyone else. It feels odd that I am capable enough to grow a whole human inside of me and yet I need to sit down to put on my pants because I cant even bend my legs properly. I spend most of my days rolling on or off the couch or bed. Apparently its quite amusing.

For the first time the thought of being attacked physically scares me. Normally I would be the first to grab something and fight back if someone threatened me, but now that I have a tiny person to protect I am very aware of the need to protect my body. If I had to chose between fight or flight at the moment I would definitely chose flight. Which makes me feel very weak.

I feel vulnerable when I'm alone, not only because I feel so incapable of defending myself but also because I could go into labour at any point. I don't particularly like the idea of going into labour when I'm by myself. It will more than likely happen though. I know help is only a phone call away so in reality its not a big deal.

Is feeling vulnerable in these ways normal for pregnant women? Does everyone get this way at the end? I feel like I should feel empowered and in control at this point, yet I am feeling the complete opposite. I think I'm just paranoid that I worked so hard to get to this point I'm scared someone will take it away from me.  Maybe its just because this is my first baby. Please tell me I'm not the only one to ever feel this way.

Toni xx

10 comments:

  1. The vulnerability as you approach your first birth is normal - it's something you've never experienced, and can't control how or when it happens.

    I've only just had to start sitting down to put my pants on, and am still driving without issues (although if I had a different car I probably wouldn't be), so I'm sorry you're having trouble in those areas - not being able to dress yourself is even worse than not driving, I think!

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    1. Ive been strictly banned from driving (especially because we have manual cars). I did drive last week and it was a huge effort so I kind of dont mind the ban. I just feel like Im very housebound.

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  2. I don't think I ever felt more vulnerable than when I was pregnant. Add a complication like psd & it adds an extra sense of fragility! All normal. Late pregnancy is a wondrous & torturous time - well it was for me anyway. I had nasty sciatica with my first & psd with my second - there were days when I worried so much about my babies & myself, but everytime I felt a movement I was reassured that it was going to ok - (& wished it would hurry up already!!) :)
    I was a source of never ending amusement for my partner - the way I waddled, having to 'turtle' roll myself on & off the couch & bed. He had to cut my toe nails & help me shave my legs! Nothing glamorous about late pregnancy for me!!
    As much as you can, enjoy the time you have to rest & do some self-care - it won't be long before 'you' become the last thing you think about each day - in a good way! :)

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    1. Oh Jodie your experience sounds so much like us. T finds most things I do amusing including my baby brain moments (which are getting more frequent).

      I cant wait for her to be here so I can meet her, but at the same time I love feeling her move inside me.

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  3. Ahh Toni, yes I felt this way to a certain degree with my first baby and my second. It took us a very long time to get pregnant and we were told for so long that we would never have children. When it finally did happen I couldn't stop myself from thinking that it was too good to be true and it will be taken away.

    It won't be though. You will be fine. It will all go according to plan and you will have a beautiful little baby.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so vulnerable at the moment. Not being able to move properly must be horrible. Hang in there. It will all work out in the end.

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    1. Yes I think a lot of my feelings of late have been because it took me so long to get pregnant. I keep thinking its too good to be true and its going to be taken away. I hate how infertility makes us feel this way

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  4. I was on bed rest with my last pregnancy and that was really tough. I had to hand over a lot of responsibilities and freedom to others, and I hated it. But towards the end you are so keen to see your baby, and for it to be over, everything feels a million times harder. Just be conscious of any depressive feelings you may have, and try to keep on top of them xxx

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    1. Being housebound is hard enough I cant imagine the frustration of bed rest! Ive been home for six weeks already and still havent watched one dvd yet, I would be so bad at bed rest.

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  5. Realising that you are about to be a mummy is enough to make anyone feel vulnerable. Soon you will have this adorable child in your arms who will be totally dependent on you. It's awesome and scary at the same time, so a bit of vulnerability, it's not a bad thing.
    Hope all goes really well for a safe delivery!

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    1. Thats exactly right Wendy its awesome and scary at the same time.

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