I know I haven't been the perfect pregnant person so far, but I still thought I was doing ok. However, this past week I feel like I'm failing at being pregnant and a mum (to be).
I have always put my baby's health before mine. I have restricted my diet to avoid listeria and then diabetes. I have avoided all pain relief and instead put up with immense headaches, back aches and muscle aches in order to avoid exposing my baby to anything that may harm her (lucky I have a pretty high pain threshold). I also stopped taking my asthma steroids during my pregnancy because it is not entirely proven that they are safe. This week however it has all gone to shit and I'm feeling a bit guilty about it. It seems my body has reached the point of exhaustion and has decided to give up.
The beginning of the week I had a major asthma attack and ended up in emergency. My asthma has been really good since Ive been pregnant so to not be able to breathe properly again really took me by surprise. It was so bad I actually thought if I managed to fall asleep I wouldn't wake up. So, off to emergency we went at 2:30am. I thought it would be a one, maybe two hour stay and then I would be sent home. Evidently not. I ended up being kept there for ten and a half hours for treatment and monitoring. I was also given steroids and told to continue taking steroids for the next week. Pretty much my worst nightmare. I feel like a bad mum having to pump my body with steroids just to be able to function. I know that by doing it I am taking care of me which in itself is taking care of her too, but at the same time I feel that by trying to protect her I am also endangering her. I just wish my body was strong enough that I didn't need to do this.
That wasn't the only health issue Ive had this week. My back was hurting since last weekend when I was at work. At first I dismissed it, then I thought it might be sciatica. Each day the pain grew stronger and stronger and my ability to move was diminishing so I finally got it seen to, by three different people in the end. Three different people came up with three different diagnosis, go figure. First the GP said it was muscular so sent me for acupuncture. That did nothing. The midwife told me it was sciatica and referred me to a physio. Then finally, after doing a thorough examination, the physio told me it is actually my pelvic bones separating (something they most definitely are not designed to do). Yes it is as painful as it sounds, but apparently quite common in pregnancy. Still, I cant help but feel like its my fault for working too much. Ive been so preoccupied with making money while I still can that I put having an income ahead of my own well-being. And now I get to pay for it. I now have to wear a support band, use crutches and pretty much stay off my feet. Again I feel like my body is failing her.
I'm starting to think that maybe my body just isn't cut out for pregnancy. Or possibly it was just my own strong willed, independent streak that has got me to this point. I just feel awful that by trying to protect her I have ended up in such a crap situation. I should have listened to my body more. I should have slowed down sooner. T says this is my body's way of forcing me to slow down and I cant help but feel he is right. I hate not being able to do everything. I'm so used to being able to do it all and look after everyone that it really throws me when I have to stop and look after myself. I hate feeling vulnerable. But, if this is what it takes to ensure the rest of my pregnancy is healthy and safe then this is what I must do.
I feel like I'm failing, but at the same time I'm doing the best I can. Everything I do is for her.
Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself.