Friday, May 24, 2013

I feel like I'm failing



I know I haven't been the perfect pregnant person so far, but I still thought I was doing ok. However, this past week I feel like I'm failing at being pregnant and a mum (to be).

I have always put my baby's health before mine. I have restricted my diet to avoid listeria and then diabetes. I have avoided all pain relief and instead put up with immense headaches, back aches and muscle aches in order to avoid exposing my baby to anything that may harm her (lucky I have a pretty high pain threshold). I also stopped taking my asthma steroids during my pregnancy because it is not entirely proven that they are safe. This week however it has all gone to shit and I'm feeling a bit guilty about it. It seems my body has reached the point of exhaustion and has decided to give up.

The beginning of the week I had a major asthma attack and ended up in emergency. My asthma has been really good since Ive been pregnant so to not be able to breathe properly again really took me by surprise. It was so bad I actually thought if I managed to fall asleep I wouldn't wake up. So, off to emergency we went at  2:30am. I thought it would be a one, maybe two hour stay and then I would be sent home. Evidently not. I ended up being kept there for ten and a half hours for treatment and monitoring. I was also given steroids and told to continue taking steroids for the next week. Pretty much my worst nightmare. I feel like a bad mum having to pump my body with steroids just to be able to function. I know that by doing it I am taking care of me which in itself is taking care of her too, but at the same time I feel that by trying to protect her I am also endangering her. I just wish my body was strong enough that I didn't need to do this. 

That wasn't the only health issue Ive had this week. My back was hurting since last weekend when I was at work. At first I dismissed it, then I thought it might be sciatica. Each day the pain grew stronger and stronger and my ability to move was diminishing so I finally got it seen to, by three different people in the end. Three different people came up with three different diagnosis, go figure. First the GP said it was muscular so sent me for acupuncture. That did nothing. The midwife told me it was sciatica and referred me to a physio. Then finally, after doing a thorough examination, the physio told me it is actually my pelvic bones separating (something they most definitely are not designed to do). Yes it is as painful as it sounds, but apparently quite common in pregnancy. Still, I cant help but feel like its my fault for working too much. Ive been so preoccupied with making money while I still can that I put having an income ahead of my own well-being. And now I get to pay for it. I now have to wear a support band, use crutches and pretty much stay off my feet. Again I feel like my body is failing her.

I'm starting to think that maybe my body just isn't cut out for pregnancy. Or possibly it was just my own strong willed, independent streak that has got me to this point. I just feel awful that by trying to protect her I have ended up in such a crap situation. I should have listened to my body more. I should have slowed down sooner. T says this is my body's way of forcing me to slow down and I cant help but feel he is right. I hate not being able to do everything. I'm so used to being able to do it all and look after everyone that it really throws me when I have to stop and look after myself. I hate feeling vulnerable. But, if this is what it takes to ensure the rest of my pregnancy is healthy and safe then this is what I must do. 

I feel like I'm failing, but at the same time I'm doing the best I can. Everything I do is for her.

Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself.

Toni x


11 comments:

  1. You are being extremely hard on yourself for "caring." You can't fail with love and your'e doing the best you know. It's time for you to look after both of you :-) You're going to be an amazing mom.

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  2. I tried to work as long as possible as well as plan a wedding while being pregnant. My body eventually told me to slow down and I ended up with sciatica. I couldn't walk or move without extreme amounts of pain. Take it easy don't be scared to ask for help if you need it. Your about to have a beautiful little girl to look after.

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  3. To be fair, you've tried to do what you thought was right for you and your baby. No one can blame you for not wanting to take medication whilst pregnant but the main thing is, you now know what to do after being advised by the professionals.

    As you draw closer to the end of your pregnancy, you should take it easy with rest and relaxation because when the baby arrives, you don't want to feel over-tired and exhausted. A new baby can tire you, so enjoy having your feet up for the awhile.

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    1. Im used to always multi-tasking so learning to slow down and relax is a bit abnormal to me still. I am enjoying being able to sleep in and have nanna naps though.

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  4. You're being way too hard on yourself! If junkies can have healthy babies, you don't need to feel bad about needing steroids to keep you alive.

    Go and order some ridiculously unhealthy takeaway, grab a heat pack and some panadol and kick it on the couch for a while.

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    1. Thats pretty much what we did the other night Liz. I just wish I didnt have stairs in my house, it would make getting down to the couch a lot easier and less painful.

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  5. Hi Toni, The pelvic thing sounds like PSD (or SPD - Pelvic Symphysis Dysfunction or Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction) which essentially feels like being kicked in the crutch repeatedly by somebody wearing steel boots - they can give you a belt (talk to a physio or a chiro) which wraps around your pelvis holding it all in place which reduces the pain. Also, bizarre as it sounds, ice pack your crutch. Stairs and hills particularly bad. I had it in both pregnancies - it's best equated to a pelvic sprain - but caused by hormones. Good hormones that do shitty things. It is debilitating and painful but it can be eased. It has nothing to do with anything that you are doing which is good or bad. It's just one of the 'joys' of pregnancy. Be kind to yourself. Pregnancy might be natural but it does some weird stuff to your body. x

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    1. Hi Alison,
      Yes it is pelvic symphysis dysfunction. Mine is all in the back (not right in my crotch thankgod) and it is horrible. They have given me the belt which helps me to feel more held together, but only minimises the pain by a fraction. Stairs are hell and unfortunately I live in a two storey house. All I can do at the moment is muscle exercises, heat pack and panadol (as well as the belt and crutches). I just hope it goes away once she is born.

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  6. I think you're being too hard on yourself. You need to do what you need to do to stay healthy and well through the pregnancy, even when that means taking medication. Endangering your health is not doing your baby any favours.

    I was on anti-depressants for my first pregnancy and my baby turned out OK. I also took whatever analgesics I needed and even had the odd glass of wine. Surprisingly, or not really, it all turned out well.

    Take care.

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  7. Oh you most certainly are being to hard on yourself and I can totally relate. :-) You are doing a wonderful job by the sounds of it. As mothers (including all pregnant mums and mothers-to-be) we could find so many things that aren't perfect about ourselves and the way we care for or raise our children. But you know what? I really think that we are all perfectly imperfect (it's my mantra at the moment actually! :-) ). You do your very best and usually that means making a series of choices none of which may be, what you perceive as perfect, but all, the very best choice you could make for yourself, your family and your child given the circumstances life deals you, and so perfectly imperfect. :-) Sounds like that is exactly what you've done mumma! Far from failure! In fact, you should celebrate your wonderful choices. Many would not have sacrificed or endured so much and now you make another fabulous choice......to slow down. :-) I'm really enjoying reading your blog by the way. I feel I can relate to it a lot. :-)

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