Ive never had the best relationship with my body. Ive always had some sort of issue with it. When I was younger I hated my nose, my hair was too curly (or frizzy depending on the weather), my boobs were too small and my stomach was never flat enough. Pretty standard complaints for most teenage girls. These concerns followed me into adulthood and my self esteem was never really high. These physical characteristics (or lack of) never really depressed me though. I still knew I was beautiful on the inside and essentially I still loved myself and who I was.
Fast forward a few years to when I started trying to conceive the first time when I was 23 and that's when my issues with my body got a lot deeper. It is extremely hard to maintain a healthy relationship with your body when it becomes the one thing that is standing in the way of your dreams. At this point in time I had very low self esteem and a very high level of self loathing. The external physical parts of my body weren't letting me down, it was all internal. It was invisible (which made it harder). It developed into slight depression again a few months ago when I was finally diagnosed with PCOS. I knew my body was against me for whatever reason and I really couldn't love myself. I posted about it on I heart my body day, but loving my body was the last thing I could do at that point.
I am so happy to say that from the moment I found out I was pregnant my outlook completely changed. I love my body. I have never loved my body as much as I do now, both internally and externally. At first I was amazed by the physical changes watching my belly slowly (and now rapidly) expand. After seeing the ultrasound image at 12 weeks I was in awe that there actually is a tiny human in there and that I made it. I always knew there was a baby in there but it takes it to a totally different level when you actually see it. When there are arms, legs, fingers, toes and organs perfectly assembled together into a jelly baby on the screen in front of you. I cant believe that my body that I once despised has been capable of making an entire human being. Now that I have started feeling tiny movements I am even more transfixed by my body and its capabilities. As I sit here writing this post I can feel tiny little bubbles and it is the best feeling in the world. My humble little body has created a whole new life. There are not enough words to describe how proud I am of my body right now.
|Our little jelly baby @12 weeks|
Each day I learn to love my body a little bit more as this journey continues. Small things no longer matter to me. My flat stomach has long gone, and I am completely in love with the bump that has replaced it. I am not worried about the weight that I have gained. I don't worry about my frizzy hair anymore because really I don't have the energy to worry about hair. And my boobs, well they have taken care of themselves (finally). Each time I walk past a mirror instead of looking for flaws I am too busy checking out my pregnant body and smiling from ear to ear. Pregnancy really has cured my self esteem issues. I don't think I could ever have issues with my body again because it is in the process of providing me with the greatest gift in the world.
I wish everybody could love and appreciate their body as much as I do right now. Remember you are all beautiful on the inside and the outside.