Saturday, February 25, 2012

Finding Myself Young

I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world


I had been so defeated after years of being knocked down by continuous verbal and emotional abuse that I felt I had completely lost myself. My confidence was totally shattered. After being told how bad you are at everything every day no matter what you do you tend to give up. I stopped doing anything that I loved (mainly because I wasn’t allowed to anyway) and just started doing everything that he wanted to do simply to avoid the arguments. In the process I lost my friends, my dreams, my career, my passions in life and finally I thought I had lost myself entirely. I still felt like, or at least hoped, I was me somewhere deep down but essentially I was just living a completely meaningless life inside my shell of a body going through the motions everyday trying to avoid being yelled at. I had given up on everything because what was the point? That was my life and I couldn’t see any way out of it.
I am so excited that once I left and as my confidence slowly started to come back I started to realise that I was still me on the inside and now I could show it on the outside too. The young girl full of hopes and dreams who was once determined to take on the world and succeed was still there! Each time I did something new (or that I hadn't done in years because I wasn't allowed to) I felt like I unlocked another piece of my heart and I was finding myself a little more.
I also felt as though I had lost 7 years of my life. On the inside I was still the same girl I was when I was 19. Its like time had stood still and my soul just pretended the last 7 years didn’t exist. I felt like I was young again! Hence my blog is called finding myself young because thats exactly what Im doing. Its better than any age defying cream for sale thats for sure! I went from feeling like I was 50 because I was so emotionally beaten down to feeling like a teenager and I still feel like a teenager a year and a half on. Maybe just a little more worn on the outside.
At first I was a bit worried. I felt like I had lived my life backwards compared to everyone else. I had got married when I was young and was now single and getting divorced before I was 30, meanwhile my friends were all single in their early 20’s and are now getting married and having babies. I felt completely out of sync with everyone else and I struggled with that for a while. Im over it now though because there is no point comparing yourself to other people. Everyone is at a different stage of their life and everyone values different things so who is to say that its wrong to be where Im at? I am still rediscovering myself and I am absolutely loving my journey (despite originally being afraid of change I am now embracing it!).
You have no idea how invigorating it is to rediscover your passions and start doing the things you love on a regular basis. Especially when someone has stopped you from doing it for years. I urge you all to look inside yourselves and rediscover what it is you really want in life because the rewards really are amazing.

go find yourself


Toni x

3 comments:

  1. Love is not a license to tell someone else how to live. So often parents and spouses think it is, and try to control every move their loved ones make, instead of letting them be free to discover themselves and their own world.

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    1. True. It's very sad. I think I partially allowed myself to get into the situation because I didn't have a father figure growing up so internally I probably craved being told what to do in a way. At least at the beginning. Then (thank god) I realised it wasn't normal.

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  2. I really enjoyed reading this post, it reminded me of my past. I totally agree with Nothing Profound's response here as nobody has the right regardless to how much they claim to love you, to make you live how they want you to live. Very well written post.

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